Partner fuming with me for this

I personally don't smoke and don't mind dating or being with non smokers.

But, having said that, I'm dating right now, and if it was a smoker, I wouldn't date them, in general.

That comes from the days of dating in late 80s/early 90s and I had one boyfriend (still a friend now) who smoked when we ate and blew smoke in my face. We had one small argument about this, as I found it disrespectful of him to do this, whilst I was eating. I didn't mind him smoking otherwise though. But that was then and this is now, smokers are now pariahs generally and can't smoke in pubs and other venues. I do feel sorry for them in some cases because smoking is a choice they make, but it's not one I made, personally.

Okay, I do understand it in your situation.
I wonder whether all the other people on here who criticise OP have similar issues though or whether they’re just doing it out of principle.

Even though you know how he always kicks off and goes on about other people smoking? Come on, you can't be that surprised. Talk about own goal. You already know what he thinks about it. You already know how he reacts about people smoking. So you smoked on a fag and somehow expected a different reaction to the one you already know he always had.

I don’t smoke, but several of the replies on this thread seem like something out of a parallel universe to me.
Someone having a cigarette outside means they would “stink the whole place out”? Or that they “betrayed trust”? So much drama.
I can’t imagine treating my partner like this or him being that controlling towards me.

I only know one smoker. It drifts in the windows if they smoke in my garden and I get a migraine, so smoking takes place on the road outside the house. They could smoke at the back of the large garden but my kids play there, so no-one smokes out there. Even that smoker was forced to stop smoking when it caused serious medical issues, so now I don't know any smokers.

???

What's the issue? If your partner REALLY dislikes something then you just don't do it. It's basic respect for your partner.

If you CHOOSE to do something you know full well your partner dislikes then you can't really be surprised at such a reaction.

My DH HATES me playing the violin. I don't blame him - I'm a beginner and it's terrible. He hates it to the point of getting really pissy and grumpy if I play, then storms off to his man cave. So I only play when he is out. It's respect. He's not telling me I can't play - that would be controlling. I am just well aware he hates it, so if I choose to play within his earshot, then I'm choosing to antagonise him.

I would because every occasional smoke he has would give me a migraine. I don't know, maybe I'm allergic to it, but I can't handle it even stick to people. If he loved me why would he want to give me migraines? I know most people don't have such a strong reaction to smoke, obviously I'm coming from the pov of my own experience.

Smoking is a gross habit but of course your husband is massively overreacting to you taking a couple of drags on a cigarette.

If you were smoking regularly behind his back, yes, he would have cause to be upset. But not for this. He's being ridiculous.

I also think that it's massively inappropriate and a huge red flag that he kicked off like this in front of other people. He also has absolutely no right to be making snide comments about your friend's smoking; it's none of his business.

I don't smoke but I have friends, family and neighbours who do. None of them have been disowned by friends or divorced over their 'habit', as some people on this thread have suggested they would do 😂. I have never ever come across anyone in real life who hasn't allowed someone to smoke in their garden either. Mumsnet is a weird place at times.

Which comes down to trust. He'll be thinking if he wasn't there, OP would have smoked more and not mentioned it.

Like @Christy135's experience, it's about being lied to by someone you should trust.

They are engaged, so only normal to question if she'll start smoking again after theu get married.

If she knows she can't stop, then don't be woth someone who has issues with it.

Reminds me of the tattoo thread. People saying it's the person's right to do as they please. But we pick partners we share values with, it's not ok to undermine that.

I also agree. Ending a marriage over an occasional cigarette? Sounds crazily controlling to me, and I don’t even smoke!

I love a good smoking thread. Brings out the anti smoking brigade in full force 😂

I smoke and have non smoking friends. They are perfectly fine with me smoking outside, then coming back in when I visit them. In fact they've usually set up something for me to use as an ashtray, like an old tin can! If they had an issue with it, they wouldn't keep inviting me.

If you're a smoker and going to have a few drinks, then yes you will want to smoke. OP's partner shouldn't have even been there that evening, he was meant to be elsewhere. Bad enough he gatecrashed OP's time with her friend but he had to get all judgy about it too.

If I had a partner who was having his friend round for the evening, when I was meant to be out. I wouldn't then hang around them being judgemental about what they were doing. I'd take myself off to our room and watch some TV or read.

😂😂😂. This really is the thread that keeps on giving!

Actually I do think cocaine use is just as bad as eg smoking but the big difference is cocaine is illegal and smoking isn’t. They’re both addictive substances though.

Like a few reformed party girls back in the day, yes I do think cocaine use is appalling, and I’m aware that I’m a bit of a hypocrite because back in the day we didn’t care and even joked about where it came from. As you age you either do it on birthdays or Christmas or you don’t do it at all, like me. In fact the people I do know now who do recreational drugs in their 40s/50s, they don’t care when they do it because “it’s only the odd occasion isn’t it and we get the pills etc checked don’t we? Not the coke though!”

I’ve seen enough people die young or 40s/50s and older get addicted to drugs and die of drug overdoses and they’re not even the people you’d say are proper druggies on crack or heroin which is probably why i’m so evangelical about addictions now.

In OP’s case though, her partner did overreact but as I said before I can see why he did it.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere it sounds like the timing was a bit weird as OP's friend was staying Saturday night, partner was unexpectedly there and her partner had work the next day (yesterday) but hopefully they've had a chance to talk about it all now

I'd imagine they've talked about it loads as it's a sticking point for him.
Also on the day and he reluctantly accepted having the friend over, only to find out OP has smoked too.
We've all had arguments in the heat of the moment.

OP should have owned it, apologised then addressed how he spoke to her.

Two separate things.

I never think of smoking anymore, but this thread hasn't half made me fancy a fag. Some of the best social times in my life were spent in pubs, at parties or around a campfire, sharing fags with other smokers.

His reaction is not normal or reasonable. A lot of pp's reactions are the same 🤨 smoking doesn't make you a bad person, it's not like you were smoking crack and cigarettes doesn't cause a change in behaviour like alcohol etc. I bet they drink but are less judgemental about that.

Ive been in a situation where I‘ve said to an ex at the very start of the relationship that I can’t be with you if you smoke. He swore he would quit. But he kept doing it.
We had some big arguments with me having a go at him about the broken trust and him saying I shouldn’t control him.

I would never comment on a guest smoking though.

I dont understand why you would have smoked anyway, seems odd to me

But the problem is its not just about you doing that, its about you bringing your smokey self back into the house, back into your sofa, bed, bathroom, all spaces which are shared.
I wouldnt really want someone visiting me smoking in the garden personally because its all over their clothes and then they sit down on my furnishings stinking the place up

Presumably that played a part in his reaction.

I dont blame him to be honest.

I really don’t know why I smoked last night - but I feel it came more from a nostalgic place, drinking with an old friend - as opposed to any form of addiction.

Stop justifying it!! It was your choice to make. No excuses, explanations or justifications are needed here! Your sulky partner needs to grow up, chill out and stop being such a babyish twit about it!

Not read all the posts but am a bit shocked at the anti smoking strength of feeling. I have never smoked and don't really understand the appeal but I have never thought of it in such negative terms as people here and the OP's partner. I tend to have sympathy for people who have addictions.

OP I think this thread might provide you with some insight into why your DP reacted in the way they did but don't assume this is the most reasonable of reactions. There are probably reasons behind the strength of feeling that if you knew you might have sympathy for. Perhaps it's intense concern for you, I don't know. I would find his reaction difficult to live with as it feels very controlling. Try and talk to him and see if you can understand why he reacted like he did but be prepared for a lack of clarity. Good luck.

Out of curiosity, if the house blonged to him and OP lived with him, would it also not be 'her house' - or do you see partners in this setup having the same rights as lodgers/tenants if not less?

Fair point about people selectively choosing what they think is toxic. Fortunately for me and my friends and associates, we don't use any of the things you list. I do sometimes burn the occasional essential oil, but it's the real high quality stuff that's pure oil.

I agree with your last paragraph. Whether that would be a deal breaker for me would depend on how often 'occasionally' is. If the smokes are more important than our relationship anyway, I'd prefer to know that, as I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I ranked below a ciggie.