Partner fuming with me for this

This thread is nuts! OP , I’d think carefully before marrying this man. He sounds a nightmare.

You had a couple of drags of a friends cigarette while having a drink.
Remarkably enough, regardless of anybody else's opinion, it's a legal activity which adults can partake in if they choose to.

The idea of a pouncing face sniffing and subsequently sulking partner is way more off-putting than a waft of cigarette smoke imo.

Partners dont own people.

Most people don't live to please their partners.

Even your violin example doesn't work because the same argument would be that OP could smoke when her DP is out. She doesn't do this. He has basically banned her from ever taking a drag on a cig ever, regardless of whether he's there, nearby, faraway etc.

There would be a difference here IF OP had sworn to him that she would never touch a cig again off her own back. Doesn't sound like she's ever made a promise or even an agreement that she won't smoke around him. She just doesn't smoke (through her own choice) but has very occasionally had the odd puff when she felt like it. Antagonising him would be smoking around him or talking about all the times she has smoked etc.

Under these terms @Loloj would have to keep all her smoking and meat eating friends away in case they stink the house out.

No idea if her dp drinks, if he doesn’t they’d have to stay away too since a lot of alcohol especially red wine stinks the place out.

A lot of us wouldn’t have any friends left on that basis

And
Its OPs house!

FGS, you knew what I meant.

If wearing leggings antagonized their partner should they not wear them?

If eating meat antagonized their partner should they not eat meat? etc.

I wasn't talking about one partner loathing all of them either. They were examples.
You really are the master of twisting stuff on this thread!

Well spotted @MsLuxLisbon 🤣🤣🤣

Not liking something is not the same as something that people loathe to the point it antagonises them.

If a person loathed that many things I wouldn't be with them!

My partner also dislikes my piano playing, but I'm good at the piano, so although he's not going to sit and actively listen, he doesn't have a man sulk over it and go and hide in his man cave whilst ranting about the noise! 😂

She didn't do it to deliberately antagonise him though did she?

Agree with a previous poster that your comments are gaslighting.

OP had a couple of drags of a cigarette and you're now trying to spin it like she deliberately smoked only because she wanted to provoke a reaction from him.

Doing something to deliberately antagonise someone then accusing them of over-reacting and trying to make them doubt their own reaction IS a form of gas-lighting and has been highlighted in this very forum many many times.

a decent spouse or partner wouldn’t invite a person over, let them smoke on the property, and then have them come inside the house.

Op is rude and then tries to pretend that the problem is that the person she shares a home with is upset by her lack of consideration.

Straw man arguments coming in thick and fast.

Exactly. Imagine if OP had said her partner insisted on her only ever eating healthy, low calorie food to stay in perfect shape and then “caught” her sharing a cupcake with her friend - oh, the betrayal!

So where does that end then?
If your partner dislikes you wearing tight leggings do you not wear them because that's basic respect?
Or if he doesn't want you to eat meat?
Or if he doesn't want you inviting your mother over for a cup of tea?
Or if he doesn't want you to watch reality shows?

Basic respect for your partner is not being a control freak who thinks that they get to dictate to your partner and expect them to follow your rules.

That’s a shame he’s a dick about you playing the violin, he should be supportive of you learning something new really.

Mainly your gaslighting comment. Doing something someone doesn't agree with is not gaslighting, or almost gaslighting.

Over reaction from him and then moody sulking? I would be really ticked off with his reaction.

I'm with your partner. He has made it clear how much he hates smoking so for you to smoke when you are at home with him is pretty disrespectful. Personally, smoking at all now you are in a relationship with him is disrespectful.

My DH was a social smoker when we met and I hated it. He never (after 1 cigarette) smoked if I was out with him and when the smoking ban came in (which coincided with us getting new life insurance) decided he would stop smoking when out with just his mates as well as this was so few and far between.

Only once have I caught him smoking since then and I was furious and told him I would leave him if he did it again, and I mean it.

I’m the worst kind of ex smoker who can’t stand the smell of smoke or the thought of cigarette ash anywhere. I have a friend who smokes and I do let her smoke on my balcony but really hate it. .The last time she was here I later discovered she’d used my glass tea light holder as an ash tray if I’m behind someone in the street smoking I have to hold my breath and dash past them. The smell genuinely makes me feel sick. It does stink when people come back in and for a while afterwards, as well as lingering on clothes. I remember the winter after I quit, digging out my winter coat and being absolutely horrified by the smell even after it had been in the cupboard for the best part of a year. Even hours after a cigarette, you can smell it on someone lying next to you because it sticks to hair.

I agree with a pp that he wouldn’t have had to get close to OP to smell it. I would’ve been able to smell it from another room. And from personal experience, a couple of drags of someone else’s fag can be a slippery slope into smoking again, even if you’ve managed it in the past. If OP were my partner I’d be very unhappy about it, but I’d have waited until her friend had gone home to talk about it. I think the way he handled it isn’t very nice but I do get where he’s coming from, since this is his understandable line in the sand which he made clear previously. In his shoes I’d feel like a few drags were more important to you than the relationship.

LOL. You do have to be careful with usernames.

Then again I make jokes about coffee a lot, but I don't really have it that much.

I'm not sure how I'd feel if I didn't react so strongly to it physically (though I wouldn't choose to be with a smoker because waste of money and health reasons).

I think principle can be enough if it's against someone's values. I developed strong views about smoking even outside my physical reaction because I grew up in a household where my one parent smoker operated on the principle that 1. Can't afford food? Oh dear, still money for smokes! 2. Can't afford an infant car seat? Oh well, still money for smokes. That sort of thing. That's always seemed wrong to me and even as a child I noted that risking the life of a child in the car made the smokes more important than me. The parent said, "Oh, but it's an addiction." Couldn't help but feel that the life of his child in the car came behind servicing the addiction. As such, I don't have a lot of respect for smokers in general. Maybe it's not fair but it's how I feel.

I love that you are judgy about smokers yet reference gin in your username. You couldn't make it up.

I hate the way he was almost smugly lurking, awaiting you to slip up. Then almost taking pleasure in chastising you for it.
I guess as a smoker I'm biased but for god's sake. You don't smoke! The stress of it all might make you start smoking something even stronger, lol.

Well, I think it could be seen as a question of trust - or a wish to control the other person.
I just can’t imagine setting such rules for my partner.
I can’t imagine telling them I didn’t like people smoking/ drinking alcohol and then expecting them to never ever have cigarette/ the odd drink.
They couldn’t “betray my trust” because I wouldn’t be making such demands in the first place.
I’m obviously not talking about serious addiction, but it doesn’t sound to me like the OP was addicted to cigarettes.

Yep, this exactly. It’s funny how people will overlook and sympathise with abuse when it conflicts with their own personal dislikes. She didn’t ask for everyone to berate her for smoking and tell her how much they detest it. She’s asking for what should be an impartial view about his behaviour which is abhorrent. There are ways of communicating properly and respectfully without being controlling and abusive just because you actively dislike like something and nothing excuses that sort of behaviour. She had a couple of drags on a cigarette. That doesn’t make her an “active smoker” or a liar. Just because you don’t smoke, it doesn’t mean you have to be anti smoking and treat everyone who does with venom and like they’re a criminal. If you genuinely believe you are morally superior because you don’t smoke and think you can talk down to people who have an active addiction then you’re an emotionally weak moron. I don’t smoke as I’ve said in my own pp but I don’t judge people who do because I’m not a total wanker. Yes, he has the right to not be with her, he doesn’t have the right to treat her like a second class citizen in her own home. If he can’t abide the smell and believes it’s that disgusting then he can move out, find his own place and live in a completely smoke free bubble. I would bet my life this is far more to do with control than it is about smoking.

He sounds insufferably pompous. A sanctimonious, self-important little pillock. Is hoofing him the fuck out an option you'd consider? That way you'd be able to make your own adult choices without having to face the third degree 🤷🏻‍♀️