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Original poster

Wedding dilemma- to uninvite sister!?

37 replies

Simplelife178 · 14/04/2024 12:42

Me and fiancé have been together 5 years, have a toddler together and have recently decided to get married this summer with immediate family and very few close friends. The wedding will be very small, casual and no thrills however we are very excited about our special day and is costing us around £5000-£6000.

The guest list has been the hardest part for us with only 20 guests, we’ve been brutal with invites (and I have a large family!). One sister I have very limited contact with as she is an alcoholic and this has caused many family frictions. Pressure from my Mum meant that I invited her a month ago despite not talking much and she accepted.

Fast forward to now… She has relapsed and her drinking has been a huge issue again! Emotionally abusive to other family members and relying on other family members to look after her very challenging children. Everybody, myself included, is feeling the stress around this and I am really gutted for her. She has lost some of her children and her life now revolves around a new love interest that she puts above everybody else. Everybody else in the family is to blame for her issues according to my sister.

My sister is likely to be drinking heavily still at the time of the wedding. If I uninvited her I would be able to invite a good friend and her husband who I actually have contact with and a closer relationship with. Both me and fiancé would prefer friend and husband there over sister as my family would not be able to relax and enjoy the day with my sister around alcohol. It would change the whole vibe and my mum will end up babysitting my older sister and will get completely wrapped up in her drinking !

AIBU to want to uninvite her so we can enjoy our day the way we want it? I am worried our day will become all about her. Some more distant family members have already cut her from their lives and there will be an awkwardness at the wedding.

If we do uninvite, HOW do I let her know? I do feel bad and love her as my sister but worry she will spoil the day. Both my parents understand and support my worries as they know they won’t switch off is she is there.

Please help and advise!!! Thanks in advance

OP posts:
HummingbirdChandelier · 14/04/2024 16:21

I feel your pain @Simplelife178 , my sister was the same, but my wedding had about 100 people so it was easier to dilute: I got a friend to “babysit” her

I’d send a message as suggested by pp saying you love her, but she can’t come

BoohooWoohoo · 14/04/2024 16:02

Your mum is very unreasonable here. She pressured you to invite her yet says that she supports your worries? She’s being unfair.

Of course you don’t want drama on the day and for your mum to have to babysit your sister.

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2024 15:59

Tell your mum to do it snd wait for the waterworks and guilt tripping to begin. This is typical of alcoholic families where the one with the disease controls everyone else with their demands.

“I’m not drinking so reward me by inviting me!”

”I’m drinking so don’t punish me by not inviting me!”

“Maybe if we include your sister she will feel good and stop drinking!”

“If you disinvite your sister she will relapse.”

Do you see how all these statements make you responsible for her choices?

Look into Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) or Al Anon and read up on alcoholism as a family disease—not that everyone has it but that everyone learns to tip toe around it. Until you stop.

Bumblebeeinatree · 14/04/2024 15:59

She may of course turn up anyway, probably drunk. Contingency plan may be required.

PastaBaby2024 · 14/04/2024 15:55

Absolutely uninvite her. With only 20 people there, the whole thing will be about her. I have alcoholics in my family so I am less sympathetic than other people maybe.

Alcoholics do not change. It's not your fault. Don't ruin your special day for their sake. It's not worth it. They don't give enough of a shit.

Createausername1970 · 14/04/2024 15:51

Your mum put pressure on you to invite her, so your mum needs to step up and help you sort the problem out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2024 15:50

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2024 12:57

Do her this favour: tell her she is uninvited and mean it. She needs to hit rock bottom before she decides to deal with her addiction. Though if she lost her children she is pretty devoted to her addiction.

Hard agree with this:

"DSis I love you. Your drinking is badly affecting everyone now and I can't have that at my wedding. So you can't come. I hope you get the help you need."

No 'sorry' no long explanations. She knows why. Blank truth.

Sapphire387 · 14/04/2024 15:45

100% disinvite her and invite your friend and husband.

This is your wedding day, you can't risk having it ruined by an alcoholic who won't help themselves.

Tatas · 14/04/2024 15:39

I'd just message or speak to her in person (whichever is safer for you) and tell her she's too much of a risk to have at the wedding. Might be worth telling family at the same time so you're all a united front and it's not a surprise to them either.

Just tell her she's too much of a risk and you can't have that sort of behaviour on your wedding day!

Original poster
Simplelife178 · 14/04/2024 15:37

Thank you for your replies. I am leaning towards asking her not to come just struggling with how to word it.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2024 12:57

Do her this favour: tell her she is uninvited and mean it. She needs to hit rock bottom before she decides to deal with her addiction. Though if she lost her children she is pretty devoted to her addiction.

Vivi0 · 14/04/2024 12:54

I am worried our day will become all about her.

It will.

If you were having a large wedding, this would be less of a problem. But with her being one of only 20 guests, she will ruin the day for you.

I would just call her to let her know that because she was drinking again, you were rescinding the invitation because you don’t want to deal with this on your wedding day. Tell her that you love her and that you are there for her, when she decides to get sober again.

If you don’t feel comfortable calling her, just send her a text or an email.

Don’t feel bad about this. People in active addiction are amongst the most selfish and self centered people on the planet.