to think this CAN work - son and pregnant daughter-in-law moving in

I've seen this go not so well in my wider family. My recommendations would be -

• Charge rent. Doesn't have to be a lot (and if you want to you could save it to give back to them once they leave) but it makes it absolutely clear that they are living in your home.
• Make sure they contribute towards bills. Your energy and water bills (if you are on a meter) will definitely increase.
• Agree and have in writing when you expect them to leave. Don't agree to them moving in 'for about 12 months' - this is too vague and open to misinterpretation. They need to know when they will need to move to their own place.
• Agree and have in writing 'rules of the house' e.g. housework, use of washing machine, where clothes are dried, use of heating. These things can sound very trivial but they are often where resentments start and often arise from different expectations.

The bedsit being sold is not a reason to move out.

The LL will have issued an S21 with a requested date to move out. They don't have to move out. The LL would then have to take it to court and appoint a bailiff to evict them. Once the bailiff is at the door the council will have to house them. If they get allocated somewhere awful you could then go back to the plan of letting them stay with you.

To answer your question though, just do your own thing if they live with you and set clear ground rules e.g. cooking, cleaning, bills, food sharing etc...

You sound like a really thoughtful, kind woman OP. I wish all 3 (4) of you the very best.

They aren’t going to be able to save, though, are they? First a period of maternity leave, where income will be reduced, and then, in order for them both to return to work full time to earn the money to save, they will be having to find the money for childcare - which in London, will be close to the equivalent of mortgage payments each month. Even if the ‘free’ (actually part funded) hours kick in, in due course, there will be a large deficit to find in childcare costs alone. Then all the costs of everything a baby and soon a child needs. I can’t see them being in a position to save meaningfully (given they want a London home) until the child is at school. It’s going to be six years, really, before they can make a dent in the size of deposit they are going to need. And that’s if they don’t want another child in that time.

Are they married and / or is their relationship rock-solid? It is about to come under enormous strain. Was the pregnancy planned?

I would charge some level of rent, even if you gave it back when they move out.

I'd set out three monthly family meetings where you all sit down and talk calmly about what is / isn't working and what will be changed.

Get them to understand before they move in you have the right to charge market rate for the room, you have the right to evict them with no formal warning. Ie what they get in a rented house share as lodgers. You are doing then a favour with better terms than a lodger so they must not take the piss or they will be lodgers.

Had this conversation with my son when he finished his a levels. Sadly he became unfit to work due to mh issues so now he contributes nothing and complains at lot! He is off to uni in September but he will not be moving back home unless he was working and paying his way. He initially agreed to all of this, but then never did any of it.

It's very easy to fall into a piss take and then your stuck with a vulnerable adult who couldn't cope without your support. Not so bad at 18, 19, 20 but older, married with kids? If you never charge rent why would they ever leave?

That could take longer than you think

I thought exactly the same!

The man is responsible for his bloody self.

I strongly recommend that you charge them rent. Find out the going rate for a double room in a shared house in your area. If you don’t need this money then save it and give it back to them as a contribution to their deposit when they move out. Have a clear plan for utilities - it sounds like baby is due in the winter so you need to account for the additional cost of daytime heating, for example.

I am sure that they are conscientious people and will move in with the best of intentions but they could get very comfortable with some extra cash in their pockets and a babysitter on call 24/7, and you may struggle to move them on. As pp have said I think it’s naive to assume this will only last a year.

Finally, don’t forget yourself in all this. It sounds like you are relatively young with a lot of life left to live. Apologies if I’m wrong but it sounds like you are single. What about if you met someone?

Babies can be...

I just wanted to add some encouragement. You sound a perfect MIL, I would be immensely grateful to have you as the granny to my dc.

DH, dc and I stayed with my PIl when we were between accommodation. It was only for three months. My experience was overall positive but as a “fully established adult” with dh and child, I did find it quite hard to adapt to living under someone else’s roof. The hardest thing was feeling guilty and awkward - mil wouldn’t “let” me do our own laundry and then would comment wittily on my choice of apparently racy underwear which was extremely awkward as I hadn’t really thought my underwear was especially controversial! My commute from her home was over 90 mins each way (we were desperate at the time) but my dh worked nearby so he was able to do the pick up from nursery and tbh I spent as much time at the office as possible so I wasn’t in PIL’s space too much. I did feel like I was in the way or a spare part all the time.

We made a contribution to food and bills, otherwise I would have felt absolutely shit about the situation. My pride and upbringing would not let me scrounge so please bear this in mind - if they want to contribute please let them!

PIL were very kind about making meals for us when we were all home, so we did have family meals several times a week - the rest of the time I lived off microwave food (work canteen provided breakfast and lunch).

So overall it was fine but I did not feel like it was my home, I never got to watch my choice of tv programmes but it was expected I’d sit in the living room with what was left of the evening and watch tv as that’s what they did. I didn’t mind and it became a window into understanding my dh and how he was brought up.

Also dh wouldn’t have sex with me the whole time we lived there as he said it felt disrespectful!

I wouldn’t do it again, but I am still exceptionally grateful to PIL for their help at a time when we were completely out of options, and many years later we have a really good relationship - actually far more comfortable now than it was all those years ago. Plus my PIL clearly loved having the time with the grandchild so I’m glad I could give them those memories.

It can work, but it's hard work. First of all, define boundaries. Very clearly. Like showers, contribution to bills etc. If you're not asking them for contributions then you need to set out limits. E.g. if they have a baby this winter and she's home all day, you're out at work and she has the heating set to 22 degrees day and night your bills will be astronomical. You do need a plan in advance of how you will tackle that. Even if its an 'I'll pay x amount, if you use more and bill is more you pay it'.

There's a trickiness around savings. You may not charge them so they can save, but if you see them out buying expensive brands of baby stuff, deciding to go on a babymoon etc is that going to cause tension? What if something happens such as pregnant DIL hitting 8 weeks and getting really sick and signed off work on very low pay?

Boundaries around visitors/involvement with baby when it arrives. You shouldn't be kicked out of your own house. Equally you may not appreciate the stream of visitors, but maybe there will be bad feeling on her side you live with new grandbaby they maybe can't see as easily or as well. They may appreciate help with baby. But also be careful not to go in with unsolicited advice, and overbearing with it. Even if you just say to them "I'm here. I'm very happy to help you, answer questions, show you how I would do something, take baby for a couple hours while you nap or shower etc if that will be helpful to you. In fact I'd really enjoy it, but I don't want you to feel any pressure so please ask if you would like it." But that also brings in the other biggest factor in these situations. Personality.

These set ups don't work well when someone is the type to let stuff simmer in silence then explode. It needs open, honest communication without pussyfooting around eachother. As by the time that party explodes, the relationship is very damaged. If she is too shy to ask for the help, or feels pressured into receiving it even if the pressure is unintentional then it can go badly. Same if you don't tell them they're overstepping boundaries until they've crossed so far the line can no longer be seen.

If they were renting somewhere before, why can't they again?

Although I see it was just a bedsit, so perhaps they weren't on the most solid footing already... How old are they? Anything much more than very early 20s, they need to get getting their arses into gear. A couple, working full time, should be able to do better than a bedsit, unless we're talking dead-centre of London.
Maybe at this point, "a stable living situation" is a better idea than "homeless young couple have baby"?

I agree with this. They need to be respectful that it is YOUR home and all need to sit down and have some general rules before they move in.
It doesn't need to be a bad idea because it's a mum supporting her family. Just need to be sure everyone respects each others space, not expecting you to be the default babysitter and just cleaning and chores expectations too.

She has a masters in one stem subject, but actually is finding she needs a qualification in a different stem subject too, in order to advance in her career - renewable energy- you ideally need qualifications in both engineering and ecology, and she currently only holds a masters in one of those, so is working an achieving the other. She is on track for a first.

"Ideally", eh? How many people working in renewable energy really have two masters' degrees? And decide to have a baby at the same time?

Is she finishing her degree work this summer before the baby comes? Otherwise moving in with you doesn't sound like a short term solution at all.

They are cleaner and tidier than I am.... and yes, we all work outside of the home

None of you have a newborn, right? And they are both out all day at work and live in a bedsit so not much space that needs to be to cleaned and tidied. That's all about to change....

It can work but there are huge variables, ie size of the house and whether you all maintain independent living space. Some friends of mine tried it and it nearly drove them to divorce. They always seem to clash with cooking same time, them sleeping in (appreciate not once baby arrives), but also you will be having the disturbed nights as well.

in the end they got so desperate they paid the deposit on a house for them as was cheaper than divorce!

My cousin and gf moved in with her Mum, who was single, for 2 years so they could save for a deposit on a house. It worked well, cousin has to be told to do things more, but it was mainly banter. They did pay some rent, but mainly for their food. Looking back now and seeing my cousin with his future MIL they have a special bond which is really nice.

No advice to add but what a lovely person you are op. Wishing you all the very best of luck and much joy with the new baby when the time comes.

Me too - did we get an answer as to why these two women are responsible for him?! I can’t be bothered to rtft to find out.

There are threads every so often on here about new mums living at their in-laws with partner and baby. Obviously, the ones that appear on mumsnet are when there is tension and it's not working. If everyone's getting on swimmingly then there would be no need to post. But the kind of tensions that seem to come up include:

• chores- who does what chores and how everyone is expected to contribute and pitch in
• space- making sure everyone feels comfortable in the space, so that the new family don't feel completely entitled to the space, take over and the parents feel resentful but also the new family don't feel like they're tiptoeing round the whole time
• noise
• rent and financial contributions- who is paying for what including food, who shares what food etc.
• what level of help and support is expected
• what's the relationship like between the daughter in law and the parents in law, given she's going to be home most days with the baby and son is going to be out at work
• what if she is raising the baby in a way you find difficult/disagree with
• boundaries e.g. my parents didn't like me openly breastfeeding- my Dad tended to walk out of the room (we didn't live with them, but when they came to visit) and they found pumping even worse and thought it should be a private activity
• visitors, who controls the TV etc.
• are there limited parking spaces? Who's going to get them?

I feel like a lot of these could be cleared up with really clear and frank communication and the beginning, rather than just hoping for the best.

Have you read this thread? What are your other DC going to think?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5048945-parents-moaning-their-pensions-are-not-enough?page=1

Yes I think it could work really well. We did the same. It’s a great opportunity for your son and daughter in law to save some money and have help with a new born. Lots of other cultures live with family.