To not want to give up my day off?

Football ? Football !!! please don't tell me I read the word football in an update where stepmum cares for partner's son ?

wow !

@harriethoyle but she DOES give him a break most Saturdays when he goes off to play football with mates, and the one day she has to herself she has to babysit again. She has stepped up and the child has a mother that has been taking good care of them for a few years now.

I'm a SM and usually firmly on the side of those in that often thankless role. The first wives club on here tie themselves in knots to criticise SMs.

But fuck me @justbecool25 you're really prioritising one day of wandering around the shops and getting a coffee over your DSS mental health? I'm genuinely gobsmacked. I cannot understand why you wouldn't want to give DP a break and DSS your support. Time for some self-reflection I think because if this isn't a situation in which you step up, a relationship with a parent may not actually be for you...

I wonder does the mother know that the sons mental health has deteriorated again?

I wonder if the dad was feeling a bit smug that the son was feeling a bit better now that the child was living with him than when he was with the mother.

(Smug is probably not the right word for such a serious upsetting situation but I have brain fog right now so I hope you can understand my point regardless)

And so he doesn't want to tell the mother that within a few weeks the son has really deteriorated?

It just seems so odd to me that she had full time care for years when her son suffered mentally, and it was only when the mum said she couldn't cope with it that the son moved in with him and now he's saying he doesn't trust her.

It does kind of come across like maybe he's trying to make out he's the better, more responsible parent than the mother.

I would sacrifice any social event to safeguard someone who is actively suicidal, no matter who they were. I wouldn't give it a second thought. I'm surprised that it's even a question to be honest. I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason they were left alone and acted on their suicidal feelings.

Why wouldn't the boy's own parents want to step up and do more to try and help their own son's mental health? I'd have thought that was a far more relevant question.

Assuming that her partner is able to take the day off work - in theory he should but we don't know the importance (to his job) of going in

An idea- OP may want to spend the day doing something ncie for herself after giving up most of her weekends to babysit the child anyways. Maybe you could volunteer your time take them out instead?

To me it seems the dad is either having a bad relationship with ex and tries to create a chasm between the child and the ex, or is a helicopter parent who wants to do it all but then not at the cost of his own free time, so gets a free childcare aka OP by guilt tripping her to give up her weekends and holidays to do something he should be doing himself.
OP, Id get the mum involved.

For people who say 'invite your friend' - the best thing in the world is havind a drink with a mate and a 16 yo in tow who I bet is extatic to sit listening to adult conversations. As a one off, Id do it of course, but end of football Saturdays for the dad.

Here’s an idea couldn't you use your day off to take your stepson somewhere nice instead. You know that may help his mental state. Why wouldn’t you want to support your husband so he can go work
relaxed knowing his son is ok.

Haven't RTFT but if a stranger off the street said he was suicidal and could I stay with him for a few hours I'd raincheck a coffee- or at least I'd invite the coffee friend over to my house.

The child was living with the ex from 13 when these problems started, he's 16 and only moved in with the dad in the past month after the mother said she couldn't cope with him struggling.....so it does seem very odd that he's saying he doesn't trust the ex because she has younger kids to mind.

Can friend not come to you and have a coffee and catch up?

Normally I’d say go and ignore DSS but not this time. He’s a young man who has massive needs. I would be doing this for your partner as much as DSS.

But should the pressure be put on OP just because the partner does not 'trust' his ex- and we dont even know the reason for that, maybe he's creating the situation where he is trying to take on too much on hismelf but has no means to actually do so.

Your partner has asked for support because he trusts you and doesn’t trust his ex. Ask your friend to come round to yours.

Yes l agree with this. Could you meet your friend ine evening instead op?

@justbecool25

I think 🤔 if his mum is not able to or doesn't want to,
Could your stepson come to the coffee ☕️ meet up too?

Or

Could come over to your place and have a cuppa an catch up there instead,
if its nice day nice day Could sit in garden too if you have one ?

It's far too much of a risk step son being left alone for a while

Yes and if the partners offered zero support or help at all then the relationships would end anyway for that reason. People won't forgive or forget that and will take it that their partner didn't give a shit about them or their child. Trying to pretend otherwise and saying that refusing to step in ever will remove the issue as a point of conflict is just complete fantasy talk, its far more likely to damage the relationship beyond repair and create deep hurt and resentment that will last forever, even if the person with mental health issues recovers fully and the burden on the family is no longer there.

Same, and I don’t even have kids, but I quite like people staying alive

He goes every 2 weeks to home games. The OP hasn't said that she has an issue with it, and as the current crisis only started a few days ago he probably hasn't went when this has been ongoing.

She said he goes to the office one day a month, and the day changes every month so it's possibly very important to go in so as he knew the OP was on annual leave he asked her, if not then surely he would have stayed at home.

Also medical advice says to go to A&E but that doesn't mean it's the best option, OP said they have done that in the past and it makes the anxiety worse.
In my local town there is a river where volunteers patrol it all night long to try to prevent people committing suicide.

I would say that half of the people they rescue are people who have literally just come from A&E, got no help there and then make the 5 minute journey to the river.

You're a charmer, aren't you?

OP - it's a hard one but I don't feel you are been unreasonable! Moving forward they need to get some help. No one can be with him 24 /7. Maybe your husband can explain the Sirius too at work! I also think he would prefer his mum or dad.

I'm guessing that his dad has tried to get time off work & can't, in which case I'd do it as an emergency this time.

I think he needs to take his son to A&E in future if this is what is advised though.

If you believe that that will be better long term then you live in fantasy land. Not many people would forgive or forget that, they would feel deeply hurt by it and think that their partner didn't give a shit about their child. Whether that was true or not wouldn't matter because that is how most would feel in their head.

No I don’t live in a fantasy land. I live in the real world where every adult caregiver for a mentally ill child has to learn to manage their resources carefully. Or they lose lovers, partners, siblings, and spouses when they can’t manage the infinite demands their child places on them. You see this all the time!

I think some posters would do well to realise that people who have direct experience in this may be responding in an emotional way as it is so horrific to go through.