To not want to give up my day off?

YABVU. I'd stay at home for any 16 year old who'd need company as was possibly contemplating suicide. And if I was your friend meeting you for coffee, I wouldn't WANT to see you if you left a 16 year old, possibly suicidal, boy just so you could see me. No, really. Shouldn't even be a post. You say you really "care" for your SS but not enough to skip a coffee and a look around the shops?

Someone definitely needs to stay with him.

Does his dad need to go to the office? Is it a preference or a work necessity? Or, and only you can judge this, is your partner at the end of his tether with doing 24/7 and in need of a mental health break at the office (such as that is).

Why doesn’t DH want to ask DSS’s Mum?

If it’s necessary for DH to go in and he can’t ask DSS Mum for a good reason, I think you should cancel.

OP I understand completely and especially after reading your last update. People think "oh it's just a coffee, how can you leave a suicidal SS?"
But it really isn't that simple. He has been suicidal for 3 years now, your partner has now started sleeping next to him and not letting him out of his sight... This is neither feasible nor healthy for everyone involved. Easy for DS' mum to wash her hands with "can't cope" but you the Step Mum having to pick up all the slack. You have clearly been really patient and supportive to your DH and SS but your own mental health is important too.
I get your DH is scared that DS might do something any moment but the reality is, well he can anyway - when your DH is asleep, when he is in the shower, when he is on a phone call or busy making dinner.. endless possibilities and no one can truly "watch" another person 24/7. You can't live like this indefinitely.
Now seeing your friend is important to you as you dont go out or see people much, so I am guessing it feels very special to be able to do this. Perhaps you need to offload and get support from your friend too, no one can blame you. Given that DS' mum has had such a long break from caring for him, it's really not much to ask that she occasionally trades places with you and DH. In fact, you all should put something regular in place, where she can spend time with her son and takes some of the pressure off you. Very selfish if she doesn't!

Yes this, or dp could even take him along.

But more importantly, this child badly needs to be in in-patient psychiatric treatment. Is your oar6ne5 actively working on this OP?

Lots to think through. Everyone needs to recognise this is a long game. Dp presumably can’t quit work, but he should be able to see that he hasn’t skipped playing football and you’d really like to have a friend catch up that rarely happens, he may not want to ask his child’s mum, but he also may have to. He should explain that his mum loves him and wants to support him too, and he needs someone there all the time so that may be different people, He may not feel that way given she couldn’t handle it in her home, but when he’s older he will understand better.

This or let the child’s mother know how much he’s struggling.

It’s really unfair to guilt trip @justbecool25 into staying home or cancelling plans already made when there’s 2 parents to support their son.

What about the dad gives up football every Saturday so op can have that day as a day off?

It’s not pleasant, but if someone is intent on committing suicide, they will eventually find a way. No amount of babysitting will prevent it

Sadly lots of people have suicidal thoughts 24/7, but that doesn’t mean they plan on following through with them, it’s just scary disturbing thoughts.

I think one of his parents should stay with him. Where is his mum? Or can dad not stay home since its a serious issue? If there was no other option, obviously I'd stay with him, but I'm sure he'd be happier with one of his real parents

Just wow 😮 😮 The boy has been having suicidal thoughts and you’re prioritising a coffee over taking care of him! Yes, he’s not your son, yes his biological parents should be doing it but it’s not much of an ask.

It’s not being a martyr, stepson is OPs family. I can’t get my head around her preferring to meet up with friend than be there for him.

I have questions

1. for how long and to what extent do you acquiesce to the requests/demands of someone who says they will kill themselves if you don't?

2. If he is seriously suicidal, why would @justbecool25 being in the house stop him?

3. How about he goes to school?

I'd explain and invite your friend could come over to your house.

It's all well and good people saying the Mum & Dad should change their plans. Realistically if they are both working they need to minimise the number of days they take off work to mind the boy when they can. Taking loads of days off could be potentially put their jobs at risk.

Lots of MN posters seem to live in ideal worlds where redundancy and discrimination never happens, unfortunately redundancies do happen and one of the things companies score people on is reliability.

This is going to creep up to you being responsible for step-son from every Saturday, to two days a week, to all your holidays, to half the week and longer.

Put in place boundaries now. He needs to sort this with child’s mum.

I've been a SM for a long time and have always been careful not to end up picking up the slack for DH or DSC's mum but I would 100% do this OP. In tough times family's have to pull together and I would feel I'd let my DH/DSC down massively if I said no under these circumstances.

💯

Don’t let this thread guilt trip you OP. Mumsnet is full of martyrs.

I would ask DP to ask his ex but be prepared to do it if she won't.

It's horrific being the adults in this situation and I'm sure you need a break from it as much as your DP and his ex.

Seriously?! As a one off to support an extremely vulnerable child how can you even say you resent it? I can’t believe you even ask this question. It’s not about mumsnet martyrs or everything falling to the stepmom. It’s helping someone you love and care about in their time of dire need. Is coffee and shopping really worth it in this instance?

Partner needs to ask mum and you can be the back up if she absolutely can't do it. He is her responsibility before he is yours.

Wow- just wow. Your ‘dear’ husband lets you shoulder this awful responsibility whilst jollying off to football and now the office. I would rethink this arrangement OP.

It's ONE day, can a step mum not help for ONE day? The fact op has been asked would suggest the mum isn't available.

You seem to be taking this all very personally

@WaitingForMojo absolutely and I appreciate that the poor boy is experiencing a horrendous mental health crisis.

I have personal experience of something very similar- these situations are long and hard for both parent and child. Getting early, appropriate help is vitally important for the boy, and to help reduce stress and burnout for his dad. It's easy to overestimate your capacity to cope and not push for the help that's needed.

OP gently prompting her partner to make sure this is happening will benefit everyone

As I said, the reality is often much more difficult than the ideal situation, and my heart really goes out to this boy and his father

There is no way as a father I could go into the office.

YANBU. Your husband is…. why is he prioritising going into the office if his son is suicidal and needs to be watched? Imagine if something awful happened that day when he decided to go to his office. I’ll be flamed, but it isn’t your responsibility - it’s you DH and you SS’s mother who should be dealing with this. It’s a horrible responsibility to put on your shoulders and as a parent I simply wouldn’t ask someone else to do this- especially for the sake of having to attend an office. DH needs to speak to his employers about the situation.