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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my day off?

729 replies

justbecool25 · 13/04/2024 22:43

I suspect I might be BU

I've been with my partner for 7 years and he has a 16 yo DS, we have a good relationship. When he was 13 he first attempted suicide and he's been struggling mentally since with many other attempts. He seemed to be doing well for a while but he's been struggling again recently. CAHMS are involved but can't do much.

His mum told partner she can't cope with him struggling and so he's been living with us full time for around a month. He has told DP he feels abit better as he has his own space (he was sharing a room at his mums) and our house is a lot quieter but a few nights ago he asked DP to stay with him as he was having suicidal thoughts. And since then DP has been staying with him every night and not letting him out of his sight.

He works from home usually but once a month he needs to go into the office, this is Monday. Stepson is off school currently due to his mental health and school are putting more pressure on him about exams which isn't helping him mentally. Professionals agree.

I've got a day off on Monday and had planned to meet with a friend for a coffee then look around shops but DP has now asked me to stay home with stepson to keep an eye on him.

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to give my day off up. AIBU? I do love and care for stepson, I'm aware this thread may not seem like it.

OP posts:
Didimum · 14/04/2024 08:36

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:24

She hasn’t asked people to tell her what to do

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Let’s not pretend posing a question on an internet forum doesn’t lead to others telling OPs what they think they should do. It’s the whole point of an advice forum. And the nature of that doesn’t change simply because you disagree with it.

LolaSmiles · 14/04/2024 08:35

I'd be willing to rearrange coffee given that the boy's father doesn't seem to be offloading his parenting responsibilities on a regular basis.

I do think that really the first port of call is the child's mother. He might prefer having space at his father's houses but she's still his mum and it's not unreasonable for her to be involved in his care unless there was a good reason for her not to be.

I'd still skip coffee to be with him though, or maybe invite my friend for coffee at home.

NearJohnLewis · 14/04/2024 08:34

As a one-off I would cancel this time. I would not make it my regular routine.

It’s a shame there is no MH support. As a long-term measure, having 24/7 support is untenable. And people can still try and kill themselves with others around.

CAMHS should help create a plan, including a crisis plan that SS can take ownership of. If he can’t be left alone for a minute then that’s a crisis situation and should he even be at home?

So many people are heroically saying they would stay with any suicidal child, even that of a stranger or acquaintance. I am not sure I would. It’s a hell of responsibility. And the consequences of things going wrong are monumental. I think it’s ok to give this a lot of thought.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:33

ShiteRider · 14/04/2024 08:28

Don’t be obtuse.

They’re shocked that people are so uncaring that that wouldn’t sacrifice a coffee date to support a suicidal child and rightly so in my opinion.

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You’re the one being obtuse, she was responding to my post so clearly referencing me.

It’s not very caring of the dad to pick on the easiest option is it? He refuses to ask the mum but has no issue with swanning off to football every week and leaving OP to it.

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 14/04/2024 08:33

Why can't your partner cancel his day in the office, on the perfectly reasonable ground that he has a crisis at home?

susiedaisy1912 · 14/04/2024 08:31

user1492757084 · 14/04/2024 08:24

Not a bad idea to take him on the coffee date too..

As someone who has suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts in the past I can tell you now being forced out of the house to a noisy coffee shop to sit and be ignored by the people who made me go whilst I was feeling that bad would have probably tipped me over the edge.

IgnoranceNotOk · 14/04/2024 08:31

Stopsnowing · 14/04/2024 06:46

I was told specifically my dc would not get hello until they attempted suicide. It was terrifying and outrageous.

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I’m so sorry - it’s the worst possible situation.
There is nothing…

I hope your DC is doing better now?

PollyPeachum · 14/04/2024 08:29

We could believe that the OP is open to suggestions from us.
We might believe that the OP has already thought of inviting the friend over or taking the lad.

Perhaps both statement are true.

Mumofoneandone · 14/04/2024 08:29

Could you friend come to you for coffee?
If your partner can't change his working in the office day, under the circumstances, you ideally do need to change your plans. Work out some 'satisfying' things to do at home, so that you feel you have achieved something on your day off. (That's if you don't need to be sitting with SS the whole time but just pottering about.)
It is a really tough situation but hopefully you will all get through it.

ShiteRider · 14/04/2024 08:28

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:23

You’re shocked that people are saying the actual parents should be the go to people?

You’re easily shocked.

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Don’t be obtuse.

They’re shocked that people are so uncaring that that wouldn’t sacrifice a coffee date to support a suicidal child and rightly so in my opinion.

user1492757084 · 14/04/2024 08:28

Op hasn't made her post a vote option.

I think she fully expects discussion about her dilemma - opinions, ideas etc. So it is not rude to suggest options.

Tumbleweed101 · 14/04/2024 08:27

Invite your friend over to yours for lunch on this occasion. It sounds like a stressful time and YANBU to want to get out but if you are the only available adult for whatever reason I’d probably just do it this month.

Are other plans in motion to support his mental health issues through professionals in the longer term?

Zonder · 14/04/2024 08:26

user1492757084 · 14/04/2024 08:24

Not a bad idea to take him on the coffee date too..

I suspect neither he nor the OP would enjoy that!

Why would a 16 year old want to go for coffee with a couple of older women?

IgnoranceNotOk · 14/04/2024 08:26

MariaVT65 · 14/04/2024 03:29

If you use your day off to look after your stepson, i’d also be asking your DP:

-What would he have done had you gone to work that day?
-When do you get a day off for yourself?
-If SS really needs to be watched 24/7, surely he needs professional intervention eg to be sectioned?

It is not easy to be sectioned. You can sit in A&E for days on end and there are no beds left so they don’t want to section you or admit you.
The crisis team are beyond useless and give advice like ‘splash your face with water’ and CAMHS waiting list is years long and hard to get onto in the first place.

It’s no wonder suicidal rates for males are so high as even when they ask for help there is none.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:26

user1492757084 · 14/04/2024 08:24

Not a bad idea to take him on the coffee date too..

Are you serious?

Funny how no one expects the dad to take DS to football with him every week, but two women are the perfect people to take a 16yo boy for coffee.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:24

Didimum · 14/04/2024 08:23

Well she’s asking … so??

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She hasn’t asked people to tell her what to do

user1492757084 · 14/04/2024 08:24

Not a bad idea to take him on the coffee date too..

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:23

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/04/2024 02:23

It's a coffee versus potentially a child's life.

I've been shocked at the attitude of some step mums before on here but this is a whole new low.

Actually makes me despair for mankind.

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You’re shocked that people are saying the actual parents should be the go to people?

You’re easily shocked.

Didimum · 14/04/2024 08:23

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:20

Women here just love telling women what to do. So patronising.

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Well she’s asking … so??

GucciGin · 14/04/2024 08:22

OP - take him with you. He can sit on his own table, read a book, on his phone. Might be good for you both. Go for a walk with him afterwards.
Don't cancel if he can go with you. Or ask your friend to come to yours for a coffee.

Didimum · 14/04/2024 08:22

I absolutely would sacrifice my day off to stay with this boy, yes.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:20

Love51 · 14/04/2024 07:52

As someone who has previously been suicidal and been through teen depression, lived with parent with depression and several bouts of my own adult depression I'd be challenging staying in the house. It feels safe but doesn't help. Too ill for school, yes. But I'd be taking him for a walk / swim / bike ride every single Saturday if he doesn't like football. And on your day off on Monday I'd move the coffee to a retail park so if he doesn't want to join you he can wander round the shops.
Also I'd be cutting the WiFi at 10pm to encourage good sleep routines, depression and most mental illnesses wreck your sleep then the wrecked sleep makes recovery harder.
Good luck to you all!

Or maybe the actual mum could take him?

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:20

susiedaisy1912 · 14/04/2024 08:02

You need to postpone your coffee with the friend or ask her to come to yours for a coffee. Support your dp by supporting his son.

Women here just love telling women what to do. So patronising.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 08:17

HesterPrincess · 14/04/2024 08:08

If he's actively suicidal, then he needs a parent looking after him.

Your DP needs to book the day off or he needs to go home to his Mum.

It's not your responsibility to prevent him from taking his own life, as harsh as that sounds. Imagine something does happen, how is your DP going to treat you?

💯

PollyPeachum · 14/04/2024 08:17

I don't think you are BU at all in voicing about how you feel a bit miffed at missing a meet with a friend.
I'm sure you will put on a cheerful face and do the right thing. Please explain to your friend as much as you can about your reason for change of plan.