To not want to give up my day off?

I literally despair that people won’t help a child and that going for a coffee would trump that. That poor lad. I wouldn’t care if he was biologically mine, a step child, a nephew, a neighbours or a strangers! If the kid needs help/support why wouldn’t you help.

To add to the above, can you meet up with your friend at the weekend instead and your partner miss his football to accommodate your time away?

No @IgnoranceNotOk its up to the OP's partner to garner some proper support for his son so it isn't left for the OP to do. It blows my mind that I have to write that. The OP has plans to meet a friend she hasn't seen for a long time, the child's actual parent will have to sort it out. The OP watches her stepson for her partner, while he goes to football every Saturday. He needs to be going out of his way to ensure the OP gets to meet her friend. Otherwise the OP might wake up one day and decide she's had enough. Then he faces the task of finding another woman to take all this on. The OP would be grand.

We need more information from OP:

• How long is the football? Is DP away for a couple of hours?
• How much of the rest of Saturdays do you get to yourself?
• Do you have a second day off E.g. Sunday?

All the advice is dependent on these answers as it changes it say OP only has one day off a week and if DP is out 10-8 because of football.

But I think OP can see DP needs a break so does most Saturdays and the last few days DSS has been in crisis so DP is obviously trying to juggle working and maybe his office, like many people here, don’t understand how severe mental health issues can be. So he has to go into the office and as it’s only once a month is hoping that next month DSS won’t need the support he does now.

Would OP stay with him if he lost his job and needed to be a carer for his son?
This is what my dad has been for the last 18 months so it might be worth weighing up what she’d prefer.

Firstly, I'd ask whether the mum was able to help. If she cannot help, I'd absolutely step up and help. I'd want to help my step son if he was struggling to this extent.

Well I would take DSS with. No he probably doesn't want to go, but since he wants to self harm we've already established that he is in no fit state to make good choices. Buy him a nice fluffy coffee and maybe a new pair of jeans.

And why DP can't change his One Day A Month At Work is a bit of a mystery to me.

The OP's dp pisses off to football every Saturday and the OP watches her stepson. What do you think about that? Shameful isn't it?

OP does need some time to relax and recharge, so does dad so I can’t hate on him having a couple of hours at football after caring for his son 24/7 the rest of the week. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone suicidal, you work to their schedule and take your moments when they are up

Right, so you can't hate on his father for wanting his football every Saturday, so there's no problem with OP wanting to meet her friend just this once is there? This is her moment, her one day off. Her partner or the child's mother will have to step up. Sounds like the OP already does. Weekly.

You don't want to give up a coffee date to help a suicidal teenager?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Nope, the son is only living there a month and the dad is already running off every Saturday to play football and yet expecting OP not see her own friend on her annual booked leave for this purpose, instead of asking his son’s mum to step in.

Your hypocrisy is astounding.

It is so difficult it is to get someone admitted to an NHS mental hospital. Wanting to kill yourself is not enough and even if someone does try, they’ll likely be released after a night.

And private in-patient treatment at around £5,000 per week is beyond the reach of most, or would cause major damage to savings and retirement plans.

OP does need some time to relax and recharge, so does dad so I can’t hate on him having a couple of hours at football after caring for his son 24/7 the rest of the week. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone suicidal, you work to their schedule and take your moments when they are up.

As awful as the situation is, your stepson is not your responsibility. He has 2 parents who brought him into this world and its their job.
Whilst you are supportive to your DH and care about your stepson, I don't feel this is your job to stay hone and care for him/watch over him to the detriment of your own life. Of course, help occasionally for the sake of helping your DH but boundaries should be on place.

Exactly. We see through them and their #bekind that only applies to step-mums, much to their irritation.

And I’m not even a step-mum.

Nope, you can try and obfuscate as much as you like in order to make it seem reasonable but the bottom line is that there is a kid here who is struggling to the point of being suicidal. Sounds like dad is there the vast majority of the time but has a few hours a week, which is really important in terms of pressure relief and son doesn’t want to spend time with mum. Unless there’s a huge drop feed that OP never leaves the house and gets space this is not a big deal.

Regardless of relationship, the ethical thing to do is to cancel or rearrange a coffee date. Someone upthread said they’d do it for a nephew or family friend, I think most people would.

It is always, without fail, the same when a stepmother is involved. Mumsnet expects far more from the stepmother than the actual parents.
I especially like how some posters have either totally ignored or minimised the OP watching her DSS while his father goes to weekly football.
Oh what knots women will tie themselves in to try and convince a stepmother she is just not doing enough.

This boy is being let down by all the adults around him.

This situation needs intervention from professional bodies now, not some patched together random supervision by people who don't seem to give a toss one way or the other.

Why is this all about OP and her DP? What about the mum who seems to have abdicated all responsibility?

The lack of empathy here for a child who is suicidal is so sad.

We live in a world where mental health support is non existent for children and young people. So unless the people around them are there to support a young person has no chance of support. He is obviously in crisis, so yes I’d say stay home .

It is one day of your whole life.

Hmmm, cup of coffee or taking care of a suicidal child….. you really need to ask?????

Exactly.

You are not the only one who said this but if risk is really that high, then the friend should not be coming for coffee. When the OP is chatting with the friend downstairs, the boy could take an overdose or cut himself.

If the suicide risk is such that the dad has to sleep with his son, then none of these options will work. It sounds like he needs 24/7 supervision. That won’t work if there are guests at home or he is allowed to wander round the shops whilst the OP has coffee. Either he is a significant risk or he isn’t.
Playing devil's advocate here, if the situation is such that the boy's father can work from home most days and that's been deemed ok, why can't the OP have a friend over for coffee at the house?

If it's not safe for her to have a friend for coffee because she needs to be providing constant emotional support and not have her attention on anything else, then it's also not safe for the child's father to work from home because his attention is elsewhere for large sections of the day.

If the dad was happy to leave his son at his mum’s for 16 years then she must have been a caring mum otherwise why leave his son there?

And OP has explained that DS prefers his dad’s house as he has a room there. That doesn’t mean DS doesn’t want to spend time with his mum.

I totally agree with this.

have people thought how trips to the bathroom for the boy would be managed, for example?

That poster didn't say on suicide watch every Saturday.

But Op says she stays with him most Saturdays so the dp can go to football. She is already doing alot.

Funny how yoj don't mind her socialising time being cut into, cants understand why she would need a break. But also try to play down that Op also facilities the father of the child going to his hobby. And ignoring the lother isn't actually doing any of it at the moment.

If it’s irritating me then it must even worse for the OP who is the recipient of the supercilious instructions from randoms on the internet. The thread isn’t here for you to kick a woman already doing a lot whilst the actual parents are off playing football or whatever.