To not want to give up my day off?

💯

Weird how she thinks OP, who is reading, should see her laughing emojis making light of this.

I’d help a complete stranger in this situation. As would many others on this thread. Better hope you never suffer extreme mental health crisis and everyone just says it’s someone else’s job to care about you.

I don't think it's as simple as 'should you or shouldn't you'. It's about the risk, and the costs/benefits of different options, and tye relationship/responsibility you have to your DH and SS. I have lived experience of parenting a suicidal teen and it is really hard work and involves difficult decisions.

• Do you tend to have a level of parental relationship and (non-legal) responsibility to him? Do you and your DH make shared decisions about him or does your DH make the decisions and then talk to you about your involvement in them (in a positive way)?

• what is the risk of harm to your ss? Is he actively trying to kill himself, is he self-harming significantly or superficially, is he talking about wanting to die because he feels really really bad? None of these are good, and you can't ever know, but if you can work out what level the risk is, it helps to make decisions.

• Is your coffee rearrangeable? Is it a friend who is back from abroad for a week and you won't get the chance again for at least a year?

• Can DH miss work for once? Is it a team meeting where they all need to be there? Can he join by teams? Would his employer understand? What would the actual consequences be of this?

You could cancel your coffee, but equally DH could cancel work to care for an ill child. It's unfortunate but that's what parents have to do sometimes. I think I would say the same if it was a shared child rather than step-child - sometimes it would be reasonable to ask one parent to take a day off work to care for an ill child if the other had a non-rearrangeable and significant leisure activity.

This does feel like a crisis, if the suicidal thoughts have just developed. But it can go on for a really long time, so it helps to try not to be too reactive.

It depends on your meaning of ‘brand new’. By OP’s account, the first suicide attempt occurred 3 years ago, with other attempts within those 3 years. I don’t personally describe that as brand new. You might, however.

All I have commented on this thread is about the unhelpful conjecture and what I would do personally, so there is no need to lecture me on the OP’s position.

But it’s hardly a shocking word is it? Funny how that poster hasn’t objected to the poster berating OP for going for a coffee whilst her DSS ‘tops himself’.

It wasn’t just one post. See the four posts below. The tone of the thread from the anti-step-mum thread has often been vicious.

Cut him some slack and watch his fucking kid for him.

Your partner must be in knots with worry about finding his child dead and you can’t put your feelings aside about missing a fucking coffee? Wow.

I’ll come and sit with the boy whilst you grab your coffee. I actually give a fuck about people.

Fuck me, I'd do that for any child in that situation, it is only one day! One day and all you have planned is going for a coffee?

@justbecool25 living with someone who is battling serious MH issues it is exhausting and very difficult.

Noone can do this without keeping themselves in as best MH personally. Go have your day, you need it.

It is very important that you and your DH get as much support yourself, have you any work based resources? There is MH first aid courses. I found them very helpful and it linked me in with people who could help deal with the impact others MH have on ourselves.

Enjoy your small respite.

@bellezarara i think gloomy is feeling down for a few hours not having to be watched by relatives cause due to risk of suicide

Give over, gloomy just means feeling depression.

He won’t go through with it though will he, because if op doesn’t look after him his parent/s will be “forced” to. Which is fine because they’re his parents.

You booked special annual leave. That’s a bit different to a normal day off. I think you should explain that to dh! What would he do if you were at work as normal?
if it was a normal day off you’d be a bit unreasonable to refuse, but rare annual leave changes my response.

Or maybe friend could come to you?

Has your partner tried to rearrange his office day or has he just assumed you’ll cancel your plans? I do think that on a one off basis you should support your partner and SS but it’s cheeky if he hasn’t exhausted all avenues.

But that’s not true. If OP is required to be with DSS every Saturday then she is being told that someone does need to be present by her DP.

You and others seem to want it both ways, that the DP is burnt out and needs the Saturday football break and for OP to cancel her annual leave but also simultaneously that none of this is a big deal as it’s only been happening for a few nights.

Make your mind up.

Of course we know this is brand new to the OP @Didimum just like it is brand new to her DP and the childs mother. Unless they have supported another teenager through the exact same thing. The point is, the OP isn't his parent. Not much has been said about the child's actual mother washing her hands of her son, the OP has stepped up, stays with the child while the childs father goes to football, yet because she wants to keep a one off arrangement with a friend she hasn't seen for a while, she has been called allsorts of vile things.
If this becomes too much for the OP what happens then? More upheaval for her dss. She needs to do things for herself. That isn't selfish, it's self care. If it were my son in this scenario I would be making sure my partner kept his plans. There is no way i would ask him to cancel his plans. I hope the OP's dp shows some appreciation for what she does to support him getting time to himself.

I did not say you had, but other posters have.

The swearing post you mentioned was one post, not multiple, so there is no need to exaggerate the tone of the thread in general. Swearing at OP should not be tolerated, but that is a separate issue.

That’s false equivalence. The parent isn’t posting here, the step-mum is posting here, so your analogy makes no sense.

I haven't read the full thread.

I totally understand why you don't want to give up your day off.

Can you DH switch his day in the office as an emergency measure?

If you are their only option, I'd give up the day. I don't think I'd want to risk him doing something and regretting not being there.

I would then talk to DH and say as you weren't able to have your day off, you'd like a weekend or a Saturday or something to yourself and if he has to miss football then so be it.

I hope your SS gets better though I understand it's a hard road to be on

Where have I told OP what to do?

My posts below:

DP should drop DS at his mum’s for the day.

I can’t believe you don’t realise the actual mum or dad should be looking after their actual child.

So they’re suggestions for what, y’know, the ACTUAL PARENTS should be doing.

Mincing words is a nice euphemism for nasty posts telling OP ‘fucking do this’ and ‘fucking do that’, whilst giving a free pass to the football going dad and the mum.

💯

Grim isn’t it? They’re trying to convince us they’re oh so kind and yet it’s obvious they don’t care about this teen, it’s all just a stick to beat a step-mum with.

Again, this is a lot of conjecture. We don’t know if it is brand new to the OP, since it first began (which we know of) 3yrs ago.

It is not pointless in having the OP answer certain questions – namely the amount that her partner is sacrificing and his circumstances with work. Step mothering aside, partners should support each other with a myriad of life crises.

My father passed away last year (suddenly in his early 60s). My mother was in pieces, and still is in many ways, and my DH chose to support her by himself in many ways, and he does that to support me by proxy.

No one person gets to adjudicate on what is the absolute right in this scenario. You will have parents, non-parents and step parents falling on both sides of the coin.

An explanation of where my perspective comes from is not manipulation. But bye 👋

You are taking this whole thread as an attack on SM. It’s not. There are people who wouldn’t sit with someone suicidal and people who would, no matter whether the person was family or a stranger. Neither side understands the other.

As one of the few posters to have been in this situation my posts have been about balancing family and need for time out.

You are conflating this with previous threads and carrying over prejudices about my opinion. Now please stop hijacking this thread to rant against me. This isn’t about me or you, it is about finding a way through this for the OP, DP and DS.

YABVVU - could you live with yourself if he were to go through with it? Aren't a few hours of your day a very small sacrifice to keep a child safe. Shameful reaction to this scenario in my opinion.

Sorry but yabu. I can't imagine the stress your partner is under and he's probably terrified about leaving the house to go to the office. Do it for him.