Birthdays - what’s normal in your family?

I have no idea what’s normal in other families but I’m in my 20s and always make sure I send something for my parents’ birthdays. I try to give cards and presents to everyone who gives them to me on my birthday. I think it’s rude not to.

I put no pressure on my (adult) kids about presents in general, but we always get together around the birthday date for a meal. Both kids offer to help me throughout the year and are always there when needed and that's what counts to me. Also appreciate a card and words a million times more than a present that I don't particularly want or need.

We’ve always enjoyed celebrating birthdays. We always make sure our kids have cards, presents, cake for their birthday and either a birthday tea, meal out or takeaway. I always visit my parents on their birthdays with gifts and cards.

i’d be upset if my kids hadn’t acknowledged it on the day (was actually a big birthday for me last week and adult stepson didn’t acknowledge it until 11.30pm)

In that case I’m so sorry! Hopefully she’ll become more thoughtful the older she gets 🥰

We’ve never made a big thing of birthdays, so none of my now adult children or I expect a big fuss. We tend to send a WhatsApp message saying happy birthday, sometimes a card, and perhaps a phone call. The grandchildren get presents from their parents and me, but not aunts and uncles. I’m inclined to think that expecting a whole gaiety-song-and-dance is a bit grabby.

No that's not okay, definitely say something op!
In our family every birthday is celebrated, my sister and I are both in our 30's now but we still make a point of visiting mum on her actual birthday with cards and gifts and either going for a meal or getting a takeaway. Shes always gone all out for us even now and shes the most important woman in our lives so why wouldn't we!

I would pull them both up on it tbh and tell them exactly how it made you feel.

It's not okay imo.

I’ll rephrase mine and put the emphasis that birthdays are for children, but children of all ages. My mums always made a fuss of mine and expected little to nothing for hers. Same going down the line

Personally I feel like birthdays are for children. I do the same for my kids, cake, bespoke decorations, meal or day out, party, presents, bigger cake on special birthdays and perhaps bigger present.

I don’t know if it’s just because my birthday is 18th dec so close to Christmas, but it’s not really that big a thing. If I fancied going out then I’d invite people, kids included. My eldest is 13 and she’ll say happy birthday but wouldn’t buy me her own present or make breakfast.

its really just a day you were born?

Adult birthdays are not a thing, and pretty much ignored. No kids. But I think it's only us over 50s who bother about birthday cards, isn't it? Cut back on the fuss over your kids" birthdays - theynare not children, and may find it embarrassing. Then everyone can just get on with their liv4s.

With my mum I usually see her on her birthday as we live nearby & are very close. If I couldn't see her for any reason I would definitely phone her and give her a gift either before or when I next see her

With my dad it's always a call on the day & card with gift the next time I see him which would be during the week of his birthday. We have always celebrated our parents birthdays. DH was the same with his mum until she passed away at 90.

Have you told them you feel disappointed by their lack of effort? Even if they’re bright they’re not a mind reader. If you’ve always been fine with them not making an effort, you’ve told them that you don’t care about a fuss on your birthday, but that’s clearly not true.

I'm in my late 40s and make sure my parents have hopefully thoughtful gifts and cards for their birthday, we don't live near (2 hours away) so if I know we'll see them a week or so around the event I'll send the card for the actual day and then give them the present in person. If, I don't think we'll be seeing them for some time, I tend to try and send something like a cream tea etc that they can both enjoy.

When you say child is it a son or daughter? My guess is a son as I find my son does everything at the last minute and has to be reminded so many times!

I'm an adult child in my thirties and my parents have a card and gift on their birthdays. You mention that you used to make a big effort for their birthdays, but were you children ever led to make a fuss for your birthday? How were they during their teens? It could be they're learning way too late that gifts between parents and adult children are generally reciprocal, not just something that happens to them. Have you talked to your child about how you feel about their lack of effort on their birthday? Maybe setting out gift expectations and a rough budget for gifts would work. My family has had a budget for gifts since we've left university, and ti works well.

My youngest is like this, eldest always makes sure they give card, gift, flowers on the day. Both fully grown adults and I find it quite hurtful too that youngest is so seemingly uninterested. I always celebrate their birthdays and Mark the ocassion. It made me feel a bit sad and really hurt. They arrived weeks later with something. Next birthday Im going to send a card and give small gift next time I see them, maybe point will sink in. It's basic lack of effort tbh and absence of organisational skills.

We have never put much emphasis on having presents before the day etc.
It's something my mum has only done since retiring....and I find it quite annoying that we have to make arrangements for both her and MIL to drop things off before the day when we are due to see them the day after or within a few days.

I have so many things in my head between work and kids my ADHD procrastination does not allow me to plan ahead.....I also find my mum impossible to buy for.

But I would go round on the day with something, or explain why I couldn't. Unless we had plans with the birthday person within a week.