‘Mean girl’

A team race. It’s not only speed, or the boys could finish alone.

DS got frustrated with less capable friends on DoE. I pointed out that supporting them was part of the task.

Civilisation flourishes if we support our weakest members. Otherwise it’s pretty dog eat dog.

I’m team collaboration.

My god I feel sorry for the OP. It's a race. It should be competitive, it is innately competitive, and declaring someone an effective bully because of what is a natural instinct is absurd. What the son has possibly learned is actually a negative, which is that some aspects of female culture are so communal that he should disregard them. A perverse result if you believe that girls should be empowered or capable themselves.

Whatever about the lack of enthusiasm - if someone threw food at my children I'd be making an official complaint. If there's anyone to complain to! You are not the mean girl in this.

I know you think they are just kids, but at this age they can still be on a pathway towards the person they will be when they grow up.

Absolutely agree. Sounds like your son
may be on the pathway to becoming someone who wants to win at all costs, even if it means bullying teammates to do so.

You keep ignoring the bullying accusation, even though it seems by far the most plausible explanation of why they decided to sit down, and is indeed the explanation given by your own son.

Have you even asked him what he was doing that they regarded as bullying? Or are you one of those people whose child is never in the wrong?

i got a good chuckle out of this OP. You are missing the point somewhat.

presumably jasmin paris runs because she wants to, not because some jumped up teenage boy is telling her to.

You seem like one of those proud parents who thinks their kids can do no wrong. Most people don't care about this stuff as much as your family do, that's life. You're not wrong for having your own priorities but you are, at best, naive and, at worst, entitled, for expecting everyone to share them in order to keep your son happy.

if this becomes a repeat issue for him maybe he should consider solo sports instead of team ones.

I would have been annoyed on ds behalf as well

having said that it will keep happening to him in group work for gcse and A levels and uni believe it or not, so maybe a learning opportunity for him now that its all over

incredibly frustrating

You must realise that there are few 12 year olds who are on a pathway to become Jasmin Paris and most people tend not to interact with them on that basis. If you’re happy with your own intensity levels and your son’s good grace then what is it you’re annoyed about? Is it that you don’t want to be called a mean girl? Maybe in that case you should channel your competitiveness into practising your people skills, because they’re a lot (a LOT) more important than your sporting ability in pretty much every scenario you’ll encounter - including sport-based ones - and it sounds like you and your kids are getting some pretty poor outcomes from your behaviours as it stands.

Have you asked ds what prompted them all to do this?

From the OP the girls stopped because the boys were bullying them. It’s not clear if the stopping was in protest of the bullying or because they were upset.

So they were making very good time, over 7-9 hours, but slowed down and ultimately stopped within sight of the finish line.

There must be a reason and I doubt it's laziness or lack of motivation, not after 7-9 hours of making good time.

Have you asked ds what prompted them all to do this?

I still don't understand why the hell you dismiss the non-walking girl's completion of a very long hike as some sort of failure; it looks like a real achievement for her!

Good point.

I thought the event with it being a kids one would have been a 2 hour job. But 7-9 hours is incredible for any 12yo to finish - and rather than saying “well done to your DD” OP decided to make a bitchy passive aggressive comment.

The other mum was far nicer than I’d have been

I think whats happened to your son OP is actually a tough lesson in what happens when you’re a shit team mate. You don’t win. The boys were clearly behaving terribly towards the girls for them all to decide to essentially boycott the race.

The boys thought speed alone would win them this race - when actually they’d have finished the race much quicker had they been more supportive, understanding and patient of their team mates. As a sportswoman and the mother of a sport woman I’m surprised you haven’t learnt that by now

OP, you’re not making this any better for yourself with your responses 🙄

The initial AIBU was about you being called a mean girl. Your comment to the other mother about her child was indeed mean. That mother’s self-restraint in only calling you a mean girl was admirable tbh.

It’s a peculiarly MN thing to be embarrassed about being good at something, or to want to do well

OP you’re labouring under the misapprehension that people are getting at you for wanting your son to win or do well.

They aren’t.

They’re getting at you because you won’t accept that not every child and parent has the same motivation as you do for competing in that event.

Do you have nothing to say about your son being accused of bullying? I’d be deeply worried if that was my son even if he excelled at sports!

I don't think anybody's disapproved of ambition or achievement here. You're very eager to brand the less ambitious or lower achievers as 'losers', and you may reasonably expect disapproval for that.

I still don't understand why the hell you dismiss the non-walking girl's completion of a very long hike as some sort of failure; it looks like a real achievement for her! We're clearly never going to learn what was behind the protest. They wouldn't have done that if they were just not interested; presumably they could have dropped out in that case. It's certain the team dynamic broke down and you don't seem bothered about how it happened.

Still, enjoy your superiority and I'm sure DS will get a happier result next time.

You sound intense. I'm wondering if this has rubbed off on your son, and perhaps he and his friend crossed the line into bullying the girls, leading them to switch off and ultimately abandon their team mates. A team needs to work together not just have a bully and subordinates.

Have you talked to him about it, or just assumed the girls were at fault?

You're right, I had misunderstood that part.

Sounds like exactly the sort of thing that parents should keep out of tbh.

Isn't the point of these things to learn teamwork anyway? He learnt that he cant just expect other people to do things the way he wants, simply because he wants them to. The girls learnt they can do more than they're capable of, but also that they don't have to pushed around if they don't want to and that certain competitions can indeed be opted out of.

They'd spent 7 hrs together so im sure theres a backstory and the girls would have a different version of events anyway.

You're not unreasonable at all.
Why parents sign their children up to events and competitions that they think their children will be useless at or not finish is beyond me. I'm all for trying new things, but choosing a team event where someone's poor motivation and attitude could ruin it for other people seems foolish to me.
We used to see this on activities such as Duke of Edinburgh or outdoor weekends where the parents signed their child up and then half a dozen teens had to slow down all the time or stop for moaning from the child who didn't really want to be there in the first place.

@zoomfamilylife - you and many others seem to be ignoring the fact that the mixed team was winning, yet staged a protest within sight of the finish line.

This doesn't suggest a girl who couldn't handle the event. If anything, it implies a co-ordinated effort to stop the boys claiming victory, the two girls sacrificing their own team win to make a point.

It's not unreasonable to wonder what prompted them to do so.

We don't know. But the only thing we can comment on, because op quoted herself, is that she said something unkind about another child to that child's mother.

The OP asked if she was unreasonable to think that the other mother should be more encouraging, and also avoid team events where the daughter is either unable or unwilling to play her part. Not unreasonable - it's community-minded.

It sounds like a case of the parent putting her daughter's self-discovery needs over the needs of the other children, which is unfair - because there are other ways that the daughter could have learned to overcome her fears of a long walk.

The soft bigotry of low expectations is a real thing and damaging, though of course it might sting to have it pointed out. But I would take the OP's comment as 'a little bit straightforward' rather than 'mean'. Most people would have been reasonably irritated.

I have a DD and a DS and at this age, 12-13, this scenario would have been completely plausible. Something happens to girls when there are enough of them, and just a few docile boys, where the girls just become bullies to theirs poor
boys. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s shameful.

My DS was just that type of boy. Excelled at every sport he tried his hand at (social anxiety meant he killed himself to always be a winner). Also a little small for his age, and at that age the girls towered over him. He quickly learned to give mixed sports a swerve. Being good at them he was always picked for the team; he only ever chose boys’ teams (and was branded all sorts of things by the girls for doing so). Once puberty hit and he went through his growth spurt, everything started evening out, and anyway they started focusing more on academics than sports.

My DD was never interested in or played sports, but she was well aware of this dynamic and used to regularly report back about gymnastics and volleyball. Some terrible antics.

It’s a very British thing to sneer at competition. People should be winners accidentally and modestly. No brash celebration of ambition is appreciated.

You do you OP. The mean girl comment was 100% born of insecurity.

None of us were there were we, so mostly pointless speculating.

Maybe girls were wrong to slow down to the pace of the slower group, stop altogether as a protest, throw a sandwich at ds. Maybe they didn't have the competitive spirit and let the team down as opposed to says.

Maybe there was a good reason why they slowed down and ultimately stopped. Maybe op's ds didn't cover himself in glory but hasn't admitted it.

We don't know. But the only thing we can comment on, because op quoted herself, is that she said something unkind about another child to that child's mother. 'Mean girl' sounds about right based on that comment alone. And since we're hearing op's pov, not unreasonable to assume it might have been delivered in an even more unkind way.

Whatever happened, ds has got at least ten years of education and group tasks ahead of him so maybe needs to get to grips with the fact that he can't control other people.

❄️ Snowflakes having a bit of Wobbly's yet again,🙄

It's not even some young people who can be like this

even people my age too,

It's interesting they are quick to be speak up and be straight blunt about things and other person got to take it on the chin,

and yet if someone is straight blunt tell it as it is in exactly the same way 🤔

they act as if they have a good case to say they are a victim of bullying or

How is it different then for them?

People can be so hypocritical when it suits them
Hypocritical nonsense and bullshit 💩 and boringy too..🥱