Page 2 | To ruin the dynamic with a third child

Mygardenisaswamp · 2024-04-13T19:20:19+00:00

We currently have a nearly three year old and a nearly one year old. I would like a third, but I'm concerned that having four years (assuming I get pregnant immediately like with the other two, it might be longer) between DC1 and DC3 will mean they won't play or be interested in the same things. Also concerned that as they get older we won't have enough time for a variety of hobbies and interests. Oh, and also concerned we'll be stretched too thin regarding emotional support and energy. If relevant, I'm currently a sahm. Partner works 7.30am till 6pm. No family help. Are we insane to consider ruining our happy little family by having a third? Anyone one of three and can give their opinion on how their childhood was (particularly if close age gaps)? Any thoughts?!

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 13/04/2024 20:47

Mygardenisaswamp · 13/04/2024 20:44

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 it's such a gamble isn't it! My first is quite sensitive and really needs one on one time. And the moment the baby is very easy going, confident, and generally happy. But who knows how their personality will develop. And if the third was to have additional needs or even just be clingy I would be very worried I wouldn't be able to do a good job.

It is and mine at elast mine have definitely got a bit of something with me eying up the third.

So it's exhausting and it's never ending. The cleaning is relentless
And while you've said money is good so much can change.
I am so glad we moved into a 4 bed so everyone can have their own space because this turned out to be a necessity.
So on that front I wouldn't have a child if they had to share.

isthewashingdryyet · 13/04/2024 20:46

Partner, not husband.

do you work ?
pay into a pension ?

own or rent ?

these things are more important than you think

Original poster

Mygardenisaswamp · 13/04/2024 20:44

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 it's such a gamble isn't it! My first is quite sensitive and really needs one on one time. And the moment the baby is very easy going, confident, and generally happy. But who knows how their personality will develop. And if the third was to have additional needs or even just be clingy I would be very worried I wouldn't be able to do a good job.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/04/2024 20:44

Im one of three and chose to have only two myself. I’m the oldest followed by two brothers, who were very close and formed a little gang within the family.

Original poster

Mygardenisaswamp · 13/04/2024 20:41

locomum83 · 13/04/2024 20:37

I have three, third is 3.5 and wasn't planned. I cried when I found out, and was depressed during entire pregnancy and after. I knew it would Be difficult financially etc, and it is. It's very hard, relationship dynamic changed between DH and I, I'm constantly stressed, riddled with anxiety, house is a state, I loose my temper with them all, we had to change our car, we go without holidays and luxuries etc
I wouldn't recommend it to anyone although understand every family is different, I get no help from DH for example, another family might have both parents helping equally, that would make a big difference, perhaps if the main earner is in a top job, moneys not a problem, if the mum is super chilled and doesn't get worked up, then maybe it would work great! But so
Much to think About and imo too close an age gap too.

This sounds really hard, hugs. I often feel brittle with just the two of them so I'm worried I might not be cut out to have three. We are fortunate in that my partner has a well paid job and I will be able to ramp up my work once they are all at school while still covering holidays and school runs etc so we won't have the expense of childcare. But that does leave a lot on my shoulders...

OP posts:

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 13/04/2024 20:40

Mygardenisaswamp · 13/04/2024 20:26

This is a concern - time wise especially. Do you feel like your kids get the attention you would like to give them/feel they need? Or is it much more of a compromise than having two?

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I'd say there's a massive jump in time between 2 & 3.
Not so much in the parenting. I'm not saying that's harder. Just the individual time I try to give them.

I do run myself flat making sure I carve out time for them individually every day.
And it is extremely exhausting and I don't think it's enough
I'm lucky as well that my middle child is a very quiet introvert and is happy with me just reading a story or something small. She isn't a fan of masses of 1 on 1 attention.
If she was like my third I would be screwed. As that child feeds off attention and time.

locomum83 · 13/04/2024 20:37

I have three, third is 3.5 and wasn't planned. I cried when I found out, and was depressed during entire pregnancy and after. I knew it would Be difficult financially etc, and it is. It's very hard, relationship dynamic changed between DH and I, I'm constantly stressed, riddled with anxiety, house is a state, I loose my temper with them all, we had to change our car, we go without holidays and luxuries etc
I wouldn't recommend it to anyone although understand every family is different, I get no help from DH for example, another family might have both parents helping equally, that would make a big difference, perhaps if the main earner is in a top job, moneys not a problem, if the mum is super chilled and doesn't get worked up, then maybe it would work great! But so
Much to think About and imo too close an age gap too.

QueenofFox · 13/04/2024 20:37

It is expensive though!

QueenofFox · 13/04/2024 20:36

We have 3, 6 years between the oldest and youngest and the dynamic is brilliant. DH and I are both from families of two kids and we've just been talking about how brilliantly three get on compared to our experiences of being a 2. There's always someone to play with but also there's always the opportunity for alone time - so kids don't stress each other out and argue. They move between pairs and occasionally have a big game of all 3 like when playing Uno. They just head off together like a like little gang. Our youngest is 4 so obviously it takes time but really since he was about 2 the dynamic is much better than 2.

LeedsZebra90 · 13/04/2024 20:32

One of three and have three. I don't think it is the age gap that determines family dynamics but the personalities. I loved being one of three, always felt we had a little gang, both when we were kids and still now. There is 3.5 years between dc1 and dc3 (dc 2 pretty much bang in the middle) and it's mostly great, the thing I find hardest - as mentioned above - is we now have 3 different schedules to work with. Ultimately you don't know what any hypothetical child will be like so it is always a gamble as to how the dynamics will play out. Worth the risk in my experience, but aware not always the case.

Orangegreen · 13/04/2024 20:27

I don’t think the age gap is a problem at all. Would I advise anyone to have 3 kids in this economy? Absolutely not. But it’s a very personal thing and if you feel you can afford it why not?

Original poster

Mygardenisaswamp · 13/04/2024 20:26

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 13/04/2024 20:25

There is 5 years between my eldest and youngest. That's not a problem at all.

What is very very hard is time and money.
Clubs and activities, birthday parties etc

This is a concern - time wise especially. Do you feel like your kids get the attention you would like to give them/feel they need? Or is it much more of a compromise than having two?

OP posts:

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 13/04/2024 20:25

There is 5 years between my eldest and youngest. That's not a problem at all.

What is very very hard is time and money.
Clubs and activities, birthday parties etc

LegoLady95 · 13/04/2024 20:24

15 and 11

LegoLady95 · 13/04/2024 20:23

I am one of three and have three myself.
I was the middle child, we all had a lovely childhood together.
My eldest child has severe learning disabilities, so despite being very close in age to DC2 they are not close. DC2 and DC3 however have always been close, and have four years between them..they are now 14 and 11.