To ruin the dynamic with a third child

I'm one of three and pregnant with our third.

There's objective cons to having more children especially if you don't have a lot of wealth.

Still, we decided to go for it. Hopefully it works out ok.

Our age gap will be almost 6.5yrs between youngest and eldest but I don't see that as a problem at all. I definitely couldn't have coped with three close together (or even two closer together, tbh!).

My mum is one of 3 girls. She's the oldest, and has always been closest with the youngest. There's 5 years between them.
They look very alike, and in their 20s/30s were often mistaken for identical twins. They have very similar personalities as well.
The middle one has always been a bit "the odd one out". Doesn't resemble them physically, and has a very different personality. Obviously, they all love each other, and are as close as most sisters are, but I think she knows the older and youngest one are the double-act.

We had three - the oldest was 3.5 when no 3 arrived. Most of my friends also had three, so it was nothing unusual. It has its drawbacks for sure - none of us had spare money or lived the high-life, and still don't now that all three are through university and we finally have some spare cash. The kids, and their friends, are quite grounded, far from materialistic, thrive on each other's company and are extremely kind to each other. I may have let my eldest have music lessons had we had more money, but I didn't go back to work until she was 8 and having not worked for over six years, once I did go back I suddenly felt the richest person in the world, so we did a loft extension.

Mine are now 23, 25 and 26, live in different cities but still have a closeness. Looking back, obviously with rose-tinted spectacles, the lack of music lessons, foreign holidays, and other material goods was worth the sacrifice.

Yes I see what you mean. That when there are more kids if a parent gets caught up in the biggest issue for one at that time they might not see a bigger priority with another child. That makes sense. Sorry that happened.

No. Your children are still small so it's cheap the real expense I've found and I only have 1. Is around age 8 and upwards, bus fares to pay for, more expensive activities and they eat practically an adults size meal in a restaurant. Theme park tickets and holidays can you actually afford this OP?

Quality life is extremely important to me so 2 would of always been my limit no matter what.

We have 3 with similar age gaps to what you’re talking about. I’ve found that the dynamic is constantly shifting. At times the oldest and youngest have been very close but at the moment it’s the middle and youngest. Sometimes I wish we could have had 4 because I do often feel like one is left out of 3, but 3 was my limit in terms of energy and patience. And actually I don’t have as much of those as they deserve, not really.

I am one of three and I hated it. Vowed I would never have 3 children of my own.

In the future if one of you lost their job or became ill would you manage? Much easier to manage with 2 children than 3 and, obviously, you would only get help if the form of benefits for 2

I have the same age gap and would like a third but my husband is happy with two and not willing to risk going again. Main reasons are 1. My health (I've been very lucky with my pregnancies and births). 2. Potential baby's health (again we've been lucky so far, I don't think we'd cope with a child with additional needs). 3. Financial strain (we're comfortable in a 3 bed and don't want to move, kids are happy here, schools are great and we could both work PT if we wanted and afford the mortgage). It's a difficult decision but one I'm comfortable with. I'm the youngest of 3 and know I could make it work but I'm at peace and really counting my blessings.

Thanks, @Pumpkinseeds22

They weren’t blaming anything on having three children as such, just more that my SAHP (who was, in general, a wonderful loving parent) was needing to spread themselves far too thin and often quite distracted - generally because my much-older sibling was quite needy and at a crucial stage of education. They simultaneously had a child doing A-Levels and a child learning to read!

I guess it was different times in terms of what ‘parenting’ was seen to entail (my WOHP was barely involved in day-to-day parenting), but sometimes I look back at times that we really should have gone to the GP or they really should have noticed a potentially serious problem (generally because my SAHP was caught up with supporting my older sibling’s A-Levels/year out/university exams - sense a theme?) and think: ‘What on earth were they thinking?’

We stuck at two.
We both considered a third at different stages. Our first two were under 18 months apart, so DH was keen when DC2 was about 6 months old. I really wasn't!

Then when the youngest was about 18 months old I felt broody, and DH really didn't.
We stuck it out.

DC are teens now and I am so glad we stuck at two. They're good kids generally. Life is tricky for a huge number of reasons though, so two for us was the right decision.

Don’t overthink it

I think this is good advice for most situations in life, but not when it comes to having children. I think, if anything, more people should think long and hard about the possible outcomes, good and not so good, when deciding whether or not to add to their family. There are few decisions in life that can't be taken back or changed in some way, but this is one of them. I work with a lot of families who seem to take the "don't overthink it" approach to having more children, and end up struggling financially, emotionally, with balancing work and childcare or to give their older children the time and support they need.

OP, you mentioned additional needs. We always thought we'd have 3 children. But then we had 2 with SEND. They are wonderful and I wouldn't change them for anything, but life is not always easy, there is a surprising amount of admin involved and we have to parent very differently to our friends with NT children. Our eldest wasn't diagnosed until 7 and our youngest at 4. I am forever grateful that we didn't make the decision to have a third child before we really knew what we were dealing with in terms of their needs, which have become more apparent as they've gotten older and the gap between them and their peers has become more obvious. Financially, it would have been doable but we may not have had the options for private therapies, assessments etc that we have sourced for our DC without having to sacrifice things like holidays, days out and other fun stuff. In terms of our relationship and mental health, I think a 3rd would be a disaster.

Even if you have 3 easy children with no additional needs, adding more children is inevitably going to mean less time, less money and less energy to devote to the children you have now so I think you're right to be giving it serious consideration. I would ask yourself, what are you going to get from a 3rd child that the 2 you have now don't give you?

This is really interesting. Though sorry for those difficult experiences, it makes me grateful for my own parents.

We just had two. We're pretty well off and have quite a lot of energy. With the baby it's hard going. The 5 year age gap is lovely though. I really think it was the right time for a sibling. But if someone said would you have a third, I think that depends on how the elder two are getting on. Our eldest is wonderful, intelligent and thoughtful. But he's very energetic and full on. I think support in his teenage years will make a big difference to outcomes. Others might be different though. My own mum is a really well balanced person despite receiving minimal support through her own childhood.

I am one of 3. My brother is 5 years older and my sister 4 years younger than me.

Me and my brother always got on very well and have always been close. I haven't ever got on with my sister.

To be honest, like some others on here, three was just too much for my parents to manage. They were over stretched time wise and financially. My sister was a difficult child and very difficult teen. She is still very difficult as an adult and has caused my parents huge amounts of stress.

I only have one. I couldn't imagine trying to support another child but I appreciate others are different.

I would advise you think very, very carefully before adding a third into the mix!

I have not rtft. And only have 2, so feel free to ignore me. I just wanted to respond to the age gap bit. Due to fertility issues, mine are 8 and 15 months. I was so stressed about the gap and so upset that they would not have the sibling experience or play together, etc.

They adore one another though! Wee one barely speaks, but has been trained to say brother for months. Manages "buboo" and a v obvs shortening of his name. They watch shows together (my 8 year old will snuggle and watch peppa pig to please her), she watches pokemon beside him.

They physically play, they kind of wrestle (obvs 8 Yr old is v gentle). They play on the trampoline, they build blocks, paint, draw, go on bike/scuttlebug around the cul de sac, they play at the park, on the beach, in the back seat of the car. They even manage to row sometimes 🙈 just one is communicating in finger wagging and shouting noises 🤣 Anyone watching can absolutely see what the row is about!

They just play beautifully and communicate wonderfully. It melts my heart to see them. They have such a special bond. I cannot believe I worried so much about the age gap that I questioned our choice and nearly gave up. I am so lucky we finally did it.

If you want a third, and can afford the associated costs, then go ahead. Age gaps have no guarantee of future closeness/friendship. Gender may also play a role.
I have 3 (now adult) children. Two DDs 20 months apart who are great friends, and a DS 4 years younger than DD2 (so 6 years younger than DD1). They got on ok as kids but DS was always separate due to age and gender interests. They all still get in well, but its very much two close sisters and a younger brother.
My advice would be if you want a third, go ahead quick to avoid age gap.

Not one of 3 but I am one of 4 although I remember when there was only 3 of us so I feel I can still put forward that experience.

honestly, I love my younger sibling/s dearly but do not think it was the right choice for my parents, especially my mum. She was and still is stressed ALL of the time. Very rarely has time for herself, is always juggling something and doesn't really know a lot about me as an adult.

There is a large age gap (I was 14 when third was born) and from that point on I was largely left to do whatever I wanted. This did not have good outcomes, I got involved with a boys a lot older than me and ended up pregnant by the age of 16. I am not blaming my parents for this as it was my silly choices but I had no boundaries whatsoever, no one to check I was in at night etc. so I took full advantage of this as an impulsive teenager. My self esteem also dwindled hugely, my anxiety sky rocketed and I also had OCD. A lot of this went completely unnoticed by my parents and it has only been as an adult that I've been able to get help for these things.

Onto how it affects my relationship with my parents now (particularly my mum, my dad is a lot better at staying in touch and offering support now) she still does not have much time, if any, for me and her grandchildren. My younger siblings are still in school and demand a lot of her time and attention which is completely fair enough but I do feel sad that she is never free and does not have the relationship with my children that I had with my own grandparents growing up. My dad is much better at offering to help me out with things but my mum does put a dampner on this as it will subsequently affect her - ie. she will be on her own with my siblings if he comes out to help me/my children will be at theirs and she will have to interact with them too etc.

Now, I love my mum and dad, I really do, but I don't personally think they were able to stretch themselves that far, not financially, not emotionally and not physically. As a teen, I ended up in dangerous situations and was not supported at all really with anything. As an adult, my mum especially simply does not have the energy to really care or enquire about my life. I doubt she would even know my favorite color/food/drink if she were asked.

So, my advice would be - please make sure you are able to support 3. They will grow up and become people with a variety of things thrown at them and they will all individually need their parents.

Ours are 16, 14 and nearly 7...so a largish age gap before dc3.

With hindsight I am SO glad that we left the gap. Life is busy and full on with 3 but the fact that dc1 and 2 don't need childcare and are largely independent/minimal supervision required makes such a difference.

We do a lot of pick ups and drop offs but with dc1 and 2 that's literally what it is now - take them to football, rugby practice, town or the cinema or a friends house - they jump out, then pick them up 2 hours later. It doesn't suck in hours of your day anymore.

Dc3 obviously needs watching so his rugby training and swimming classes and playdates etc require one of us to sit there for X hours which is fine, for one. I remember keenly what this was like for 2 dc at the same time and it was manic at times, trying to fit it all in.

I can't even imagine how people do it with 3 young dc very close in age tbh. All the full class parties, the activities...and that's just time wise, not to mention childcare costs for 3 at once 🤢. Childcare for 2 nearly broke us but by the time I returned to work after dc3, dc1 was 10.5 so didn't really need any paid childcare.

5 is often an inconvenient number too. EVERYTHING seems to be aimed at families of 4, from holidays and 'family entry' tickets to a pack of bloody Chicken Kievs!

I'm sorry that all sounds tough. Are you sure the neglect was down to having 3 kids. If they ignored issues it sounds like they may have had issues themselves whether they had one or five kids. I don't know, of course, I just wonder. And it sounds like they blamed their lack of parenting on having 3 kids like this was their narrative. With mine I try not to blame the other kid for my being busy instead of mummy can't do x because of your brother I say there's a lot of housework etc.. I wonder if in your case they blamed the number of kids for their own problems.

It's not the age gap that's the issue, but your capacity as a SAHM and your DH's. I have four children 9, 7, 4, 2 and they take alot of my time and energy both individually and in groups. They get along beautifully (mostly) as I'm teaching them how to play together and negotiate etc. There's certainly less money for each, but DH & I work hard to take them to clubs and help them with homework etc. They are very happy and thriving. But we both have a high capacity for supporting our children.

As you feel brittle with two, I'd wait until the youngest is a year older as see how you feel. It wouldn't be fair on them to have a third which makes you impatient and stressed.

I don't see the age gap as an issue. You might be spread thinly though as you don't have help. However at least the eldest would be in school. I'd be considering if you can afford holiday clubs during the school hols.

I have 3. 2.5 years between them all. Baby number 3 was a surprise. I cried when I found out, worrying about money, how we’d cope, would it change the dynamic we had etc. I even booked an appointment for a termination but couldn’t go through with it. Fast forward and baby 3 is the best “accident” ever. We all love her dearly, the elder 2 love having her around and our family is just so much fun now. It’s hard work but I found the transition from 1 - 2 harder than 2 - 3. Don’t overthink it :)

I was one of three (middle, large age-gaps) but honestly feel that the decision to have a larger family was a mistake on the part of my parents

They didn’t have the income, time or energy to properly pay attention to all three of us, even with a SAHM. I also noticed that ‘parenting fatigue’ set in when I was about fourteen and they were 50ish - but they still had nearly a decade to go at that point to raise my younger sibling!

We were good, hardworking, studious DC who did well at school but there were still periods when each of us was (relatively) neglected due to our parents not having the capacity to notice or take action, because they were so tied up with another child. Or the general assumption that we must be ‘alright’ and getting on well at school, because, why wouldn’t we be? Depression, bullying, sexual harassment, untreated infections, medical problems that they were too slow to take to the GP…One of my siblings has lifelong MH problems that started in their teenage years. Plus they completely failed to plan for university costs for all three of us, despite my father being over the threshold for us receiving any kind of funding…

Read one of the Higher Education threads about sending DC to university if you’re thinking of having three close together! There was a recent thread about two DC going to Bristol which was very eye-opening. Be warned, the student finance system takes no account of the costs of multiple children going through university at the same time!

Also, life happens - one of my parents had a cancer diagnosis when we were 17, 10 and 6, which probably contributed to some of the above, but I suspect it still would have been easier for them with two rather than three children.

I look now at the level of support, attention and focus that I have been able to give my own DC (whose own path has not been straightforward) and wish that I had received a bit more of the same.

I have 3, all adult now. I had 3 in under 4 1/2 years and experienced the following:

4/2/under a year - chaos, hard, esp. with a DH who did very long hours (bath times esp.) Almost lost the will to live.
Between 5/3/1 and 7/5/3 - pretty difficult, and need eyes in the back of your head, stamina and a good bedtime routine.

8/6/4 til 16/14/12 - busy, but lovely.

Teen years were a bit interesting, but they were all pretty good to be honest, as we treated them with the same respect as we would adults and generally received the same back. Since then, it's stayed pretty similar. They're 23/21/19 now and they come home in Uni holidays/when not fully employed.

The only thing I would say though is it's seriously expensive. Very few economies of scale and right now, it's s really tight (2 at Uni, one at home as looking for his first professional job).

Don't regret 3 for a second, but it was hard there for a while.