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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if I’m parenting really badly or are three year olds just like this?

34 replies

Horrible3 · 13/04/2024 19:32

Mine isn’t too bad when it’s just me. If someone else - mostly dad but anyone really - is around, he’s horrible to me.

Mostly he ignores me if I ask a question. I have to keep asking to get a response.

The ignoring me is really a problem, today for instance we were on a green and I said to him that we’d just quickly go to the toilets and he just walked off and kept walking. I was following him repeatedly saying his name. Touched his shoulder and he shouted ‘get OFF me.’ He often shouts this or ‘stop it mummy’ if I hold his hand or whatever.

He snatches things, pulls my hair and speaks to me like shit. I don’t expect perfect manners at this age obviously but it really gets me down.

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong, I speak nicely to him and others. I do correct him and discipline him but it’s hard as he doesn’t really care about much and the firmer you get the more defiant he becomes, just laughs at you Sad

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Nettleskeins · 15/04/2024 01:13

As opposed to "don't be silly we have to go home now it's getting late and if we don't go now it's going to rain/supper won't be ready/no time for bedtime story"

Nettleskeins · 15/04/2024 01:09

I think you are meant to say...positive not negative validation. So...you wish you could stay longer in the park, yes that would be so great, what would you do if you stayed longer, go up to the sky on the swings or run three miles to the gate? Tomorrow/Thursday we can see how high you can go."..wait for answer...That sort of stuff.

Nettleskeins · 15/04/2024 00:56

It's about validating, rather than placating, or plain arguing with their point of view. It does take a bit of tweaking and time (you can't rush validation unfortunately)

I seem to remember it cuts out a lot of verbiage from child parent interactions, most of which the child can't take in, and you have to make what you are communicating in the moment, clearer. So "coat, then park "(cheerfully) rather than "let's put your coat on shall we and go to the park"

Original poster
Horrible3 · 14/04/2024 02:22

I’ve got how to talk so little kids will listen. I don’t know if it’s helpful for children closer to the age bracket it’s recommended for (2-7) but I didn’t find it at all helpful. A three year old having a meltdown over his trains coming apart is told ‘you feel frustrated because the trains come apart’ and he nods and doesn’t have a meltdown. Then they draw how he feels. Perhaps that would work for some children, I don’t know, but while I know you’re supposed to validate feelings it hasn’t made much difference here (‘you feel angry because we’ve had to leave the park’ when you have a child red faced with fury - I’m sure if they could they’d yell back ‘no shit Sherlock’.) And if mine was pissed off already ‘draw how you feel’ would see crayons lobbed across the room.

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Nettleskeins · 13/04/2024 22:28

Read "How to talk so kids will listen" by Faber and Mazlish...it's a Mumsnet recommendation by many many posters if you do a "search" on the title. I read it a bit late when my children were much older and I bitterly regret it, so informative and helpful. If only I had known!!

PollyPeep · 13/04/2024 22:26

We found age 3-5 extremely challenging. Lots of throwing, defiant behaviour, shouting and hitting. It's getting much better now and at 5.5 I'm hopeful we're through to the other side... Until the next phase...!

LadyDaisy42 · 13/04/2024 22:25

People talk about the terrible twos, but mine were fine age 2. Age 3 however, was an absolute horror stage.

LittleBearPad · 13/04/2024 22:23

Horrible3 · 13/04/2024 22:18

They can be so challenging. Mine seems so mean to me. But is actually lovely when it’s just us. I can’t work it out at all. The hair pulling started as him just pretending to give me a haircut which was quite cute but then he was pulling so I reminded him it hurt people to pull hair and he just looked right at me and did it again Sad

He’s testing his limits and he does it with you because he feels very secure with you.

I really know this doesn’t make it any better for you but he clearly feels very safe with you! He’ll grow out of it. And it’s completely right to keep explaining to him that he can’t hurt you/be rude etc.

Didimum · 13/04/2024 22:23

Very normal, but I sense your consequences could be stronger. Say you’re out walking in a park, then you pick him up and take him straight home. Sure it spoils a trip out, but otherwise they just learn they can just do what they like.

MallMoo · 13/04/2024 22:23

You have no idea how happy I am to see these replies! Currently having similar with my just turned 3yo. It’s like talking to a brick wall most days and he is so defiant it’s like he turned 3 and had a personality transplant, let’s hope it’s just a phase!! 😅

Mnk711 · 13/04/2024 22:22

I read an article the other day about the challenge they have in the transition between nursery and home when you go to collect them because their brains struggle to compute the clash of two different environments. So that's why they often go silent when they are being dropped off or picked up. Maybe there's something similar with the two parent dynamic, their brains can't properly compute their feelings for both parents at the same time so they just either go on ignore mode or angry meltdown mode!

ConfrontationDoesntHaveToBeScarey · 13/04/2024 22:21

but then he was pulling so I reminded him it hurt people to pull hair and he just looked right at me and did it again

That's classic testing behaviour. He was curious about seeing your reaction. Testing cause and effect. Very normal development.

Mnk711 · 13/04/2024 22:20

Yes, mine is identical, it's like having a moody teenager. Also my two close friends' 3 yo are exactly the same. So unless we are all terrible parents I think it is just a threenager thing!

Original poster
Horrible3 · 13/04/2024 22:18

CuriousGeorge80 · 13/04/2024 22:18

Our almost 3 year old is similar. Will purposefully ignore me if she doesn’t like what I’m saying, and will tell me to go away or to stop talking. But never when it’s just us, only if my DP is there.

I’m honestly really reassured it’s not just us. I’ve no idea what it is though.

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Original poster
Horrible3 · 13/04/2024 22:18

They can be so challenging. Mine seems so mean to me. But is actually lovely when it’s just us. I can’t work it out at all. The hair pulling started as him just pretending to give me a haircut which was quite cute but then he was pulling so I reminded him it hurt people to pull hair and he just looked right at me and did it again Sad

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CuriousGeorge80 · 13/04/2024 22:18

Our almost 3 year old is similar. Will purposefully ignore me if she doesn’t like what I’m saying, and will tell me to go away or to stop talking. But never when it’s just us, only if my DP is there.

ConfrontationDoesntHaveToBeScarey · 13/04/2024 22:15

Mine hasn't pulled my hair but she struggles in classes as has no interest in following instructions. She knows how to make fun though ...like she will pull a funny face with another kid or poke one of them and encourage them to chase her. It's like everything is a fun game to her. She also runs off. I don't think it's my parenting because his older sibling is so calm and very compliant.

Original poster
Horrible3 · 13/04/2024 22:11

Sallyh87 · 13/04/2024 22:10

It’s not just yours but sadly I have no advice!

It’s reassuring though!

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Original poster
Horrible3 · 13/04/2024 22:10

It’s quite hard to have consequences as he doesn’t really care about much! Of course, there are some immediate consequences I can impose like if he’s being silly with a toy then the toy is removed and similar but I don’t think he’d connect (say) walking away from me with no TV later or equivalent.

We do go to groups. I don’t think I’ve had any in depth discussions re parenting but I do know others have their struggles. It’s hard to say what’s normal and what isn’t. At groups DS appears to mostly be a lovely boy. It’s when we’re out as a family problems emerge.

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Sallyh87 · 13/04/2024 22:10

It’s not just yours but sadly I have no advice!

abeeabeeisafterme · 13/04/2024 22:08

Sorry- cross posted. If he just behaves like this at the weekend, I'd worry a lot less. Work out if it's the change in routine or tiredness or what throws him off and try to support him.

abeeabeeisafterme · 13/04/2024 22:07

Does he behave this way most of the time, or just when he's tired or hungry?

He behaviour does strike me as rather defiant and rude, even for a developing three year old. What consequences do you have for rudeness, disobedience or hurting? Are there any local parenting courses your HV could recommend? Do you go to any toddler groups and talk to others about parenting?

Original poster
Horrible3 · 13/04/2024 22:06

@Hoolahooploop that sounds so similar! I wonder what it is? I have him three days a week, he’s fine - the odd moment if you like but mostly he’s lovely and he is very well behaved at nursery and he goes to a couple of classes where he behaves and follows instructions, he seems like a lovely child. Then comes the weekend and he is just so awful to me Sad

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Hoolahooploop · 13/04/2024 21:58

My 3 yo is lovely for me. Mostly calm, sweet and follows instructions.

hes awful when his dad is around, says he doesn’t like me, stop talking to me. Says no to everything.

CB2611 · 13/04/2024 21:53

My DD was an absolute dream for 3 years. Slept amazing as a baby, no tantrums or terrible twos. I was fucking SMUG and felt like the best mum in the world and that parenting just came naturally to me polishes knuckles on shoulders
My DD had her 3rd birthday and a switch was flicked overnight. She would not do as she was told, would not (still doesn't) listen, pulled my hair, hit me, laughed when I told her off. She's 3 and a half now. We have challenging days and I shout too much but she is beginning to develop some empathy and says sorry when she knows she has upset me. I havent got any advice really as I'm not sure I'm doing it right myself but just letting you know it's all normal and to hang in there xxx