My sister asked me this

I can't compute that you are being given a hard time @lovedogsandcats for saying your sister has things to be grateful and happy about as she still has all her children and as for your dh comment. Bloody hell. Is he the father of your late daughter?

What? This is fucking deranged and in no way helpful. What the fuck is wrong with you, and why would you want to hurt the OP even more?

I'm not sure if I should broach it or even apologise for diminishing her feelings.

If anyone should apologise its her.
She diminished a terrible loss & tragedy which has no comparison.

Wearing my reasonable hat: she owes you the apology. For the sake of harmonious relations, I might respond by saying 'thank you and I'm sorry if it seemed I was dismissing your feelings'.

But don't be a doormat. She's in the wrong here, not you.

Your sister's comment was incredibly insensitive and your prior comment completely understandable given your situation. You are in no way to blame for her crassness. There were any number of other responses she could have made such as, "yes you must miss her so much". No need to try and sweep it under the carpet and imply you must be happy now despite your loss..

Believe me, I've done it, my dc died 26 years ago, and 17 years ago so I'm pretty far into this.

People would be whinging about insignificant things and I would just think "well why the fuck are you moaning because you're skint/your bf dumped you/your phone broke my literal children died ffs, I wish I had your problem".

I must admit, even 5 years in I said some pretty uncalled for things, cut people out to protect myself, and, quite honestly became quite bitter and pretty selfish in order to protect myself, and I still struggle a lot with the aftermath of the choices I made, and I really wouldn't recommend it.

Do you think your sister would be receptive to a conversation?

I can't imagine anything worse than the loss you live with.

I agree with your DH's take on the conversation though.

Your sisters comment was ridiculous! Most people would rather have their child over their partner. It’s a horrible comparison to make though. I don’t think you did anything wrong. She is lucky to have both of her daughters and as lucky as you are to have a partner I know you’d do anything to have your daughter back.

I get where you're coming from op, I am a bereaved parent too 💐

I understand the desire to say "well you've still got your kids so what are you fucking moaning about", I really do, but over the years I've learned that it's a bit shitty.

Other people are allowed to be sad, or have a moan about different areas of their lives too, even if their sadness isn't as great as yours, it's still valid to them.

She was talking about a totally unrelated thing, and you've invalidated her feelings.

This path is a massive learning curve, and we all get it wrong, get pissed off at things, say things that hurt others, and generally struggle while we settle into whatever this shit new normal is for us.
That's no justification for what she said, however, that was abhorrent. If she is otherwise a good, supportive and kind sister, I think I would talk to her about it and forgive her, assuming she's sorry (I know you say you feel a bit bullied by her, but assume the relationship is generally good as you were away together).I would also avoid drinking for a bit as well, and definitely stop drinking around her.

I think under the circumstances, experiencing a loss like that - your sister was out of line and insensitive. I hear your husband is saying you brought it to that topic - but I honestly think you absolutely deserve a pass for that. Any decent person would think this. There is absolutely no comparison

It's possible that your sister feels that she is entitled to be upset about her situation without it being a competition. It's difficult to know what her thoughts are. You probably know best. Drunken conversations often don't end well when people are upset.

loss is of most significance to the sufferer. I think alcohol makes us more inward looking and in that moment unable to empathise as well as we would otherwise. You were coming at the conversation from totally different angles. Put it down to the drink and don’t go there next time you’ve all been drinking as you end up looking at things from your own perspective/knowledge which can lead to unintend harm.

I think if I had lost a child under any circumstances anyone single bitching about how sad they were would get my back up tbh so I can understand why you made the comment that she is lucky to have her daughters.
Yes your dh might be hurt by your response but only if its not a parent himself - a parent would get it and shrug it off. My husband would swap me for our kids and I would him. No question.

But surely not bringing up someone's child who has passed on is not the way to lash out?

Death, religion, politics and relationships do not mix with wine. Also I don’t think any parent who hasn’t lost a child by suicide can remotely imagine the pain- I know I can’t.

I wonder if your sister was playing to the male audience in the room and this made her forget her manners in a very big way.

You weren't buying her victim story and her play to make herself 'Daddy's' favorite girl.

Wine and sibling rivalry made you remind her that maybe you aren't as 'lucky' as she is accusing you of.

I suspect she'd trample a woman any day to get to a man. Therefore her words were more strategic towards making the men feel sorry for her, than they were to belittle your devastating loss.

Sorry to hear about your daughter. Hope you find peace.

I think your sister was cruel. She's single, but didn't have anyone die and neither has she lost a child. Comparing a partner to losing a child is just not comparable. Given that she has a history of bullying you, she felt that she actually could say something like this to you. I can't think under any circumstances that justifies ever bringing up your daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss op, I have lost so many family members to suicide and it's just a different kind of loss.

So sorry OP ~ there’s no easy conversation around losing a child. Suicide also makes people really uncomfortable for all sorts of reasons. They say tactless things around it. I speak from personal experience.

I’d take it as a compliment that your DSis envies your relationship. And move on.

When someone is upset about their circumstances a dose of empathy will always be more effective than reminding them to count their blessings.

No quicker way to invalidate someone's feelings.

Your husband is correct she is lonely and everyone has a loving caring partner, her daughters are settled with their partners. I think bringing up your dd devalued her feelings as much as yours were with her comment.

I am sorry for your loss 💐

Your sister was out of order to say what she did and I'm sorry, but I think it is in poor taste that your DH said you caused it. He should be equally as horrified at her awful comment, not making an excuse for her. While I can see how your comment night have caused a misunderstanding under the influence of a lot of wine, your sister should be apologising. From where I'm sitting, you were trying to make her feel better so her comment was unnecessary and cruel.

I’m sorry but your dh was u here, of course you’d have your daughter back. I’m so sorry that conversation even took place though, your sister was being ridiculous

I don't see that OP did anything wrong. Her sister was feeling sorry for herself OP was only telling her sister to count her blessings.
I'm very sorry for your loss OP I can't imagine the pain of losing a child in those circumstances.
No one should have reacted the way your sister did being drunk is no excuse.