My sister asked me this

I don't think you should made your initial comment. You are lucky to have a loving partner. Your daughter dying is unrelated to that. And she longs for love, and has suffered unhappy relationships, having children doesn't negate that.

But her comment about rather having a husband than a living daughter is silly, no sane person would give their child's life in exchange for love.

Park it - you’d all been drinking. She sounds goady and your DH took it as yes, and wad probably just a bit hurt.

So sorry about your DD, an unimaginable loss 💐

I think you shouldn’t have brought your Dd up. Of course she’s there in your mind and I’m so sorry for your loss. But she was talking about how lucky everyone was to be in a romantic partnership (happy relationships are lucky). She’s allowed to be sad about that and to want it for herself.

What she said back was really strange though.

I would forget about it, you were all drinking and I’m sure she’s regretting what she said as well.

I get that.
But if you think about that, you would never have said to a friend what you said to her.
And because you have a tricky relationship, she went for the jugular.
U need to reach an entente cordial if you are going to be around each other a lot more or there will be carnage.

weird post.

there is literally nothing to support your assertation that the DH 'went to bed in a strop.'

And then the random schoolyard rhyme at the end, just odd and a bit inappropriate given the topic under discussion. Like ending a post with 'I know you are but what am I?'

It was in drink, maybe you touched a nerve, she felt defensive? Maybe it's that she's cold hearted and horrible but I think that's highly unlikely.
Maybe you should chat when sober and not hungover, kind of mutually apologise, acknowledge you are both lucky and unlucky, but have different experiences and just want to be supportive. I certainly wouldn't fall out over it.

Your sister was wrong to suggest any relationship could make up for the loss of your child in this way.

Your comment that she was lucky to have her DD is entirely understandable given the conversation. Even it was meant as a ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself’ dig, your sister should not have picked up the baton. Having a dig and jumping on the worst moments of your life are not comparable in sisterly tit for tat.

I think DH was a dick too. He needed to check in on you after the subject was raised. Not go to bed in a strop.

No ifs, no buts, no coconuts.

What does lottory or ’buying’ has to do with anything?

You found a partner. Someone to share a life with.
That is a huge privilege.

I know on MN we are supposed to hate relationships and they are weights around a neck, but in real life, you are lucky to have someone.

If she tells you she's lonely again. Give her a hug and remind her she is very loved. I. Your situation I wouldn't have answered her question. I'd have simply said I wish I had both but nothing can ever bring her back as Nd go to bed. In front of your DH who is very much alive it would make him feel like shit to think you'd swap him for your DD even if you would if you could. Some things are best left unspoken. Too much wine.

Honestly, if you've lost a child I don't think you can be blamed for anything you say, ever.

Also, people are not interchangeable.

It's the kind of conversational mess people get into sometimes. Drink might make it more likely to happen.

I guess it depends how you said it. Maybe she felt a bit attacked if you said it like - well at least you still have both your daughters. Where as I'm guessing you meant for her to think of the positive of her lovely daughters.

Sorry for your unimaginable loss, it must be incredibly difficult.

@lovedogsandcats you could say something like ‘I hope we’re good since the conversation the other day. While I don’t think you should have made the comment about not swapping daughter for what I’ve got now, I should never have said you were lucky you still have yours. Anyway, it’s been niggling me ever since and I wanted to apologise’.

She was totally in the wrong, insensitive and tactless. She was moaning that you and others have a partner and asking for your sympathy, you quite naturally pointed out that you don't have your daughter (so sorry for your loss). If she wants, she can get a partner, but you can’t get a replacement daughter. The pain of losing a child must be infinitely worse than the worst relationship break up. She’s a self absorbed idiot.

I agree the previous comment was utterly batshit. Who is "daddy" in this scenario ffs? And as for the 'trample a women any day to get a man' element, there is literally nothing to support this - you don't even know if OP's sister is straight, she could be upset about not having a female partner!

I agree with you husband.
You really shouldn't have said what you said.
She was opening up, it’s fucking hard having to be single, even more so when on holiday with privlidged people who do have partners, and then you wouldn’t even have that moment of vulnerability and had to compare.
Did you at least apologize?

but it was OP who brought her daughter into the conversation, not the sister.

No, he said OP shouldn’t have said her sister was lucky too because she has her children.

I agree with this and @TarantinoIsAMisogynist
What she said was very odd, and I don't think many people, whether they'd actually experienced a loss like yours, or even hypothetically, would ever agree with her. It's completely understandable you are upset.

But I think it is likely that from her POV she felt you were bringing something completely irrelevant into the conversation, as @MolkosTeenageAngst said, like a 'top trumps' of sadness. As you've explained, your intention was completely the opposite. But think of it if it was the other way around - in a scenario where you were getting upset talking about how much you missed your daughter, and, in a misguided attempt at cheering you up she said 'but at least you have your dh, I'm alone all the time,' or similar. You very well might have been like 'WTF, that's not relevant, why are you turning the conversation to yourself and your issues when I'm clearly upset?'

It's obvious being single is a huge worry and distress for her - maybe she's worrying about how she'll cope financially as she gets older, or she's lonely and depressed and going on holiday with her two sisters and their husbands has really brought it home. It's not the sort of thing you can always talk about. She thought she was in a place where she could confide her worries to people she trusts, who would sympathise with her, but instead (to her mind), got a 'cheer up, what have YOU got to complain about?' response. A bit like on here when posters say 'First world problem/I wish that was all I had to worry about/I imagine people in Gaza would love to have your problems.' You're not wrong - the vast majority of people would prefer to be single with their children alive - but that was not the time to say it.

Tbh it sounds like you wanted to get a dig in.
And because you two have issues, she doubled down.

You owe her an apology. And she owes you one.

But why shouldn't she?