My sister asked me this

I think it's an awful thing to say to someone who has lost a child in that way and I would struggle to forgive her.

First of im so sorry for your loss my bf died from suicide and its just the most horrific way to lose someone. I think you where both wrong in what was said and I think the alcohol is to blame for that. I think its just best to let it go.

meant kindly, her describing you as lucky was the problem in the first place IMO - whatever you have when you lost a child, amplified even further if that’s possible by the circumstances of the loss, I don’t think you can ever be described as lucky. I’m so sorry for your loss

" I wish I could just accept her meanness ( hopefully not intended)and move on . That will probably work out for the best . It's such a complicated relationship with so many elements. She clearly can either not remember it or sees nothing wrong in it ."

Maybe she has form for being insensitive and mean in general, I don't know.

But in my experience, sucking it up and moving on is not really moving on, most people are going to remember this kind of hurt against them even if they do their best to ignore it future. And so ignoring it is exactly how the eggshells you're walking on in your relationship become eggshells.

She might just be a really unreasonable person. But you're not no contact with her and you go on holiday together, so that tells me there's at least some closeness there you want to hold on to.

Even though it's unusual for you to chat on the phone, I really think you should call her and tell her how upset and hurt you are about it. Especially if you think she may have been so drunk she doesn't remember saying it. Tell her how you feel about it so she can at least acknowledge how she upset you. At the very least you will know where you stand.

At the moment you don't and I think that will gnaw away at you even though you try to pretend it didn't happen and move on.

I honestly think that you have behaved with great grace on this thread and in your message to your sister. I hope you find peace and I am so sorry you have lost your cherished daughter 💐

Im a single parent, which is hard and I have also lost a child. My son died 13 years ago. I still have 2 other sons. It is a million times worse to lose a child than to lose a husband. It's incomparable. (My husband left he didn't die so arguable not the same but I would rather a partner/ husband died than a child. So you are lucky to have a husband (if you are happy together and he isn't abusive etc.) But, however difficult she finds being single it is nothing compared to losing a child.
Maybe she feels like no one acknowledges that it's hard for her to be the one without a partner but it was an inappropriate topic to have. I think speaking about a lost child in any sort of controversial way is a big no no so she should always be sensitive around that.
Sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Sister 1 - single for years after two bad relationships

Sister 2 - infertile and husband cheated

Sister 3 (op)- Tragically lost her beautiful daughter to suicide.

OP, first off let offer my deepest sympathies. I am so sorry for your loss.

All three of you have been through the ringer. You've all got significant trauma and loss.

I have found in my own life, when people feel heard it helps them move on. Feeling validated is such a gift to each other. Given you thought she was happily single for many years it seems this was a rare bit of emotional honesty she was sharing. That can be hard and she probably felt shut down by you. As though she's not allowed to hurt because you hurt more.

I HATE what she said to you. That was awful and not ok. I can't even imagining thinking that way. She owes you an apology.

Your second sister might be wrestling with her own place in this. She wanted children. Infertility involves it's own private hell.

I think you could all be a huge support to each other. You've all been through a lot. You could be eachothers biggest cheerleaders. 💝

She was talking about how lucky you were with partners and maybe indicating she was unlucky. I think it was unwise to mention the loss of your daughter. I get it was to say that she was lucky in that respect but instead it possibly came across as you one upping her which is how your DH seems to have interpreted it as well.

I think don't bring it up again and let it pass. Trying to explain may make things unintentionally worse.

@lovedogsandcats I'm so sorry you lost your daughter.

You DS1 asked a stupid and crass question. Your comment was to make her realise she should be grateful and she should be. She turned it on you in the horrible way because she's not grateful. Poor her.

Pls don't dwell on it, as others have said I'd keep her at a safe distance.

Sending a hug x

Sorry just read your update that you texted her and aplogised and hoped she'd do the same.

Don't text her, talk to her. Phone her.
Text is where most problems are made worse instead of better.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That is unimaginable. Her comment was insensitive and offensive and you're clearly hurt and annoyed by it.

It is playing on your mind so you should mention it to her to clear the air a bit, otherwise it will stand between you in your relationship.
It will be just another one of those things that you think about the next time there is any kind of issue between you two, and make you less close when it doesn't necessarily have to if you discuss it now.

I think the comment she made was insensitive and unusual and obviously has negative implications to her own daughters as well. (They didn't hear it, of course, but the implications of her comment that perhaps she'd rather have a good relationship than both living children, or that there's even a comparison to made there, are still pretty bad).

That aside, I think she probably felt shut down and that once you brought your pain into it meant that now she didn't get the right to talk about her pain any more. You made the conversation about you and your loss, which pretty much makes it impossible to complain about anything ever, because your pain is obviously always greater than whatever more minor thing she's upset about. It may well have felt like you were shutting her down, even though that wasn't the intent.

This is naturally upsetting and if you want the people around you not to shut down and not talk to you about what's actually going on in their life and how they feel, and stay close or get closer to you, then it's better not to say things they unintentionally shut them down when they're opening up to you.

Unintentionally upsetting someone is forgivable in my opinion and it seems like you've both done it, and under the influence of a lot of wine so it is understandable that both would upset the other without meaning it.

Clearing the air and both apologising will probably go a long way to make this something you can both just try to forget about and not have this be an ongoing hurt you both hold onto in your relationship.

Batshit sums it up. For people to count being single as akin to losing a daughter is just crazy!!

You did what you could.
You can do no more. The rest is up to her. And if you hear nothing, well theres your answer.
Its all v well saying tell her f off etc but if you have a sister like that, well she wld just throw a grenade in again. My sister is like that. She wld say anything so long as she got one over on me. Anything.
But then, i am NC with her now, not moving abroad or whatever it is.
I wld avoid drink and sensitive subjects if you cant avoid her at all tbh.

Whether you should have made your comment about her having her daughters depends how she said her thing about you being lucky.

If she was making a relatively light comment about it, you were unreasonable to make the daughter comment.

If she was saying it in a way that made it clear she genuinely felt that you all had perfect lives and she was the only one of you who knew suffering, you weren't unreasonable to call her out on it by mentioning your daughter.

Utterly tone deaf

You don't think there's much worse.than a remark about being single.

On a thread inolving a child's suicide?

This thread is batshit.

That's a bit insensitive

"My sister 1 has been on her own for years. Seemingly happily so"
Quite obviously, she isn't happy on her own, I'm surprised you would assume so.

You were all drinking, people say things under the influence of alcohol that either they don't mean, or that they do mean but wouldn't say sober.
You shouldn't have said what you said. When your sister commented that you were lucky to have living parters you could have just agreed, because it's true, you are lucky to have that. But you turned it into a contest.

She also shouldn't have said what she said, that was unnecessarily hurtful.

And then you shouldn't have given your follow up comment about your DH, which must have hurt him even if he agreed.

All in all, drink less alcohol and don't get drawn into competitive grief.

Horrible thing to say to you OP. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Tbh my instant answer to your sister would've been a giant "fuck off/you". You weren't deliberately playing top trumps and ffs, that question is disgusting and your DHs reaction...I mean really. Get a grip man. It's not about him.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

I feel I read a different post to most people on here…. Yes maybe it wasn’t necessary to bring up your daughter if she was feeling down as her feelings are also valid but her comment is abhorrent. I’m shocked at her comment and the reaction of most people on here. I would struggle to forgive a comment like that without a heartfelt apology. For those saying you were wrong to compare - your sister was the one to start the comparisons. She could have simply said she feels lonely and is down about it. Sorry for your horrific loss.

Agree with PP’s, your comment was invalidating and had nothing to do with the convo or circumstances being discussed. However, her reply in return is abhorrent and extremely unwarranted. I’m so sorry for your loss

You did nothing wrong.