To be a bit horrified by DHs suggestion that he works from home FT?

Yep that would drive me insane. My husband was home after the end of his contract for 2 weeks and it was awful. I like my alone time and I like to run the home the way I do. Him being here fulltime changed many day to day things and it was awful. He’s back to the office 3-4 days a week thank goodness. We aren’t retired. He doesn’t need to be here every day thanks!! I don’t interfere in his working day so please don’t get in the way of my SAHM day!

Yep -fuck that!

I don’t say this lightly, but you sound a little unkind, OP. Whether that’s because deep down you are fed up with him anyway or whether it’s that you actually just need to get out of your own head and get over it and carry on as normal, as if he wasn’t there, I’m not sure.

I work four full days, three from home, one at the office.
DH does five days, one in the office.
We have separate work spaces upstairs.
Downstairs carries on as normal.

I used to hate the fact I’m never home alone anymore. Between DH, my boy, the two dogs and a hamster, peace and quiet is a very rare thing.
But I’ve learned to find the quieter moments and spaces in the house, to read a book or just be. Occasionally when it all threatens to drive one of us insane, the other one will have a fun sleepover with the boy at my MIL’s house. 😂 I go out for errands and he uses that for his alone time. We’ll time our office day for when the other one is off etc., so they have the house to themselves.
Could he go in one day at least?
Last year Covid attacked my DH’s heart. It’s permanently damaged and we nearly lost him. It’s really opened my eyes to how much I’d miss him shouting “it’s 11, we should have a cup of teeeaaaa!”

Edited to add: it really helps us to remember how much time we save on commuting to actually spend together as a family, not to mention the drop in petrol consumption was like a payrise! Silver linings, OP!

DH started a new job a few months ago which includes option of WFH with at least one day a week in the office.
We've both always worked shifts, usually opposite each other. DH now complains it's too noisy in the house to work.
Two teenagers, DS has sat in the house for most of the Easter holidays, despite contacting friends and even me contacting their mothers, these "friends ' didn't want to meet up 😔.
DD will be studying for exams now so will be in the house most of the time.
So I'll have no peace to myself now!! 😫

You just ask your husband to take out the children 1 day a week to give you headspace time.

But equally, if he's with the kids 7 days a week, he might also ask you to take the kids out for 1 day a week.

My husband WFH full time, has done since way before covid. I work shifts, 2 long days and often work one day at the weekend so am off most weekdays.
He has an office upstairs and just cracks on. I havent changed my behaviour particularly, although I avoid hoovering ir having music on when i know hes got calls or teams meetings.
Admittedly, our kids are grown up so we don't have play dates and kid noise to deal with. In fact, DS1 also WFH a few days a week.
As someone said earlier, he must remember he's working in your home, you are not living in his office.

@Autumcolors

Your home is your home. It’s not a workplace.

Sorry to break this to you but the world has changed. 🤣

"Just a different feel somehow" isn't real. It's perfectly possible to ignore someone else existing two rooms away and crack on with whatever you need to do. This is something you should be able to get past.

It's 2024. WFH has been normalised. You can declare a home is not a workplace all you like but the fact is that for many people it is, and that's because they like it that way.

WFH with others in the house comes down to mutual consideration, and it's really not that hard (especially if you actually care about the other person). The WFH person doesn't get to demand silence throughout the day, or keep other family members out of communal areas (ideally they have a room to themselves but this isn't always possible). The non-working people don't need to tiptoe around as if it's a library but they should show a degree of consideration. Everyone should communicate properly about what they actually need!

I've managed to WFH in houseshares with 4 other people (3 of whom also WFH, this was pre-Covid). DP and I WFH during Covid in the same small flat. Everyone involved in these setups was reasonably considerate and no one dreaded it. Actually, while both DP and I WFH at the same time had some down sides it also had plenty of up sides, not least the fact that I actually enjoy his company, so didn't resent his presence (in a property that was his as well).

So my advice is to lay down clear ground rules over what you all need to get through the day. But the larger problem is that you dread your husband's company and resent his presence in his own house, so I suspect there are deeper issues here.

And some didn't, and managed fine. It's about mind-set.

What is his reasoning for wanting to wfh full time? Is it the commute? The cost?

I only ask because my DB & DSiL had same/similar issues of him wfh full time & came up with a compromise of him working 2 days a week at home and the other 3 days he works from a coworking space in the nearest town - it’s (a little bit) cheaper than him commuting to the office in London, but much less stressful & he admits it stops home feeling like work. I admit it might not be feasible for your situation but just an idea

First and foremost he needs to be one hundred percent clear that it is a home and not a workplace. He does have the option of going to his office if he cannot cope with that - afterall he was happy with his job and workplace before he had the option of wfh. Do not be pressured into being out of your home. He will need to fit in and make it work for him. That is not your job. His wfh must not be at the expense of making you and your childrens lives harder or miserable. Go about your day as if he is not there. I speak from experience. OH now has an office at the bottom of the garden and comes in for toilet, to make coffee and have his lunch (which he understand is for him to sort out) in the early days of wfh he was under the disillusion that I would be making and bringing him cups of coffee and having his lunch made and on the table for him at one o’clock!

Mine works from home predominately, but some weeks goes into the office a couple of times a week. It drives me nuts when he's home, I've recently changed jobs and thankfully one of my 2 days off is an office day (if he goes in) so I do get a break from it. My previous job - he was always at home on my off days

It's definitely the one sided conversations. Drive me nuts..

Oh and his companies original main office is in the town we live in still used by company for occasional meet-ups in person but apart from that no staff allowed to work from there.

I’ve suggested that over and over. Just a half a day once a week. When I was working too trying to share my office with him there would be so many confidential calls or screens some days I’d not be allowed access until 6pm.

He has gone to a coffee shop supposedly a handful handful of times only but actually just gets a coffee then works from the car if he is only taking calls not on a laptop. His work is IT related and some is confidential which adds to the complexities of it all. But I have pointed out it’s not that confidential as I can hear it all 😂….in my previous career I used to work in a secure environment in IT myself and I wasn’t even allowed a piece of paper or work laptop out of the building so it’s definitely not to that level.

Are there any communal workspaces near you? Or coffee shops he could go to sometimes?

It’s the same for me.

OFGS

Pre-covid virtually everyone went out of the house to work

It meant you were mixing with other people and not isolated.
You might have had a commute but you weren't paying increased utility payments
One person's job didn't encroach on the other person's
And if you lived in a small house with no spare rooms you weren't encroaching on the at home person's day. (because that isn't the same as having the same days off together)

It does affect the other person and absolutely affects the children in the school holidays

I am the same OP it’s unbearable.

I’m struggling with my DP WFH full time at the moment. If he could be more like you I’d cope a bit better. He works in the smallest room which was previously my home office, I worked from home for a decade but had to stop work, self employed, as he needed the room. So that adds to my problems with it as I no longer can work as his job was more important….or that’s how it feels anyway. He has phone calls sometimes all day which I can hear from all rooms in the house and even in the garden. In between he’s in and out up and down for the loo, snacks, endless coffees and lunch. I get told about the crap and then he remembers another phone call or something. If I put the extractor fan on in kitchen, below office, on full I can still hear him and the chair and the phone calls so I can’t even cook a meal in peace.

it’s unbearable and I can’t afford to go out all the time plus I have a disability and crippling anxiety so my happy place is my home and garden. And no there’s no space for a home office anywhere else.

The last fortnight for example, apart from going places with me at the weekend, he’s not left the house. No walks no anything so I listen to the work all day then he’s downstairs in the lounge until midnight with the tv on which I can also hear. I thought this weekend I was getting the house to myself for my hobbies , ie read a book in peace etc as my hobbies are all quiet things but it’s Saturday night now and he’s not left to go anywhere yet.

I am literally at the end of my tether with it all as I just want to be able to relax in my home. I have made it quite clear I can’t cope, it’s really bad for my MH, it’s also bad for his health and that I can’t carry on living like this so he either needs to work in the office some days or we need to split up. And he just says it’s his house too and he’s working here.

if anyone has any tips on how to cope I honestly would try anything right now.

I think it depends on the set up. DH and I both WFH totally, him FT and me PT. Our offices are in the loft of the house which means we can't hear work noise from the rest of the house. It also keeps our work and home spaces very separate and we have strict rules about the work home divide when one of us is on work time and the other isn't.

But I can see why when others don't have the same luxury, it could be really annoying.

I also think that neither of us having a commute has significant benefits to our family life, so we come at the WFH thing with a positive attitude anyway because of the benefits it gives us. Again, if this isn't the case for you, then I can see how it could be a negative.

My dp has worked from home 5 days a week since 2020 with no option to go into an office (there isn’t one nearby any more), and I find it hard too in the school holidays (I’m a teacher). He works from the dining table - no spare room - so me and the kids have to eat meals off our laps in the lounge, whilst listening to long loud conference calls about databases (thin walls and small house). I used to love school holiday days chilling out at home but not so much any more - I feel guilty if I’m relaxing at home and guilty if we go out without him (he always wants us to save the big days out for the weekend so he can come too, which is understandable but I’m also desperate to get out of the house for a day sometimes). My kids are older so we can cope, and a big positive is that now the kids are old enough to get themselves to/from school in term time, he can let them in which massively reduces my stress trying to get home, if the traffic’s bad it’s not a problem. I’ve been able to take on some extra hours this year. Overall though I think we’d both be happier with him hybrid working if it were an option. To make it work I think you need a separate office space really.

It will only work, for him and for you and for the children, if he is treating WFH as if he is actually at work. I WFH and have done for a long time. I have an office room in our house. When I go into my office and shut the door, the rest of the household knows I am at work and they can text me if they need something urgently but nobody comes in and I don't go out apart from loo visits. There is no need for anyone else in the house to be quiet, because I use headphones if I need to have a meeting or something - and if any noise is preventing me from concentrating I can put the headphones on and have quiet music instead.

I have a tiny fridge and a kettle in my office and when I go up to work, I take eg cheese, salad, bread, butter, store the things that need it in the fridge and make my lunch as if I were out of the house. I might occasionally do myself an egg on toast downstairs or heat soup, but mostly I go into my office when I start work and only leave when I have finished. Then I shut the door on work and am completely done with it. The benefit of this is not only that the rest of the house is our home for the other people in it, but also that I can shut the door on work and it doesn't spill over into my own home life.

DH works weird hours so is often around when I am working but it's fine. He doesn't bother me and I don't interfere with whatever he is doing. He might occasionally text me eg to ask if I want anything from Sainsbury's or I might text him and ask if he could record X on telly or something, but I expect we'd do that if I was working elsewhere too.

In your shoes, I think I would be telling your husband that this can only work if he uses the garden office and doesn't come out of it during the working day apart from maybe lunchtime (though, as I say, there are ways round this and he can perfectly well have a kettle, fridge and microwave in there - just like he would if he was in an actual office).

Also, stop tiptoeing around trying not to make noise. Buy him a good pair of headphones and explain to him that if the house is too noisy to work in he shouldn't be working in it.