Hospital stay- partner moaning

Oh, sorry, the OP read like they had choice but to be both stuck with baby if the OP needed extra help at night. Or maybe it was that I couldn't imagine anyone would be in that situation by choice.

In that case just send the man home so he can get a decent kip and let the trained professionals do their job then he can take over in the morning. It's a madness choice to do any else.

Edited to add at home is completely different to being in a hospital room. I don't believe anyone who has ever tried to sleep in a hospital would think that there is any kind of comparison.

I am not, and never did, slag off your profession. Thanks for the lecture. And I made the point myself my experience was 30 years ago. I said I am appalled at state of midwife services. Where are midwives is not implying , as you seem to think I meant, you’re swanning around having a party. I’m very well aware of the huge vacancies in midwives nationally

it is not your decision to close nurseries in maternity units, to expect fathers to stay on wards to “help “ mum when they are ( if new dads) inexperienced and yet to bond with baby . Jeez, I now know there aren’t even NHS prenatal classes still, to teach the poor buggers what to expect

this is about funding. It is about policies. It is about successive governments of all colours expecting mums to carry on despite serious birth trauma, abdominal surgery and sleep depreciation etc. it is about us as a society not standing up for birthing mums . Or the criticality of good maternity services.

everyone on here is jumping on the dad. Yep, he’s a selfish fit like a lot of young men who’ve just taken ownership of a helpless human. But he’s failing because we’re expecting him to do nursing duties when he barely knows a babies arse from its head. No wonder mum is stressed and heading for PND. NHS services used to recognise the herd for support of mum and baby as a single entity in immediate post partum period.

I have not and will never knock individual midwives. It is not your fault . You are all to aware I imagine of the failure of your service provisions to mothers and babies, from your everyday frustrations

so politely, piss off. I was not criticising you or other midwives. If you’d read what I put you’d see my point that we as society don’t expect men to have such shit services .

Me too. He sounds like my ex.

I'm so sorry op - can you get a friend or your mum into holsital with you and send him home 'to rest' hopefully he will return a little bit nicer?

@TextureSeeker
The father would not be expected to be there he has obviously chosen to stay with his partner to help with the baby. Except he isn't helping with the baby.

If he was not there then the midwifery staff would be helping with baby.
Surely expecting the adult male to be a father to his child isn't difficult whilst his partner recovers.

If his partner was poorly at home would he not be expected to pull his weight and actually care for his child?

I’ve been in a very similar situation.
it will get no better and you will always remember this time with sadness - a new baby born to parents that love each other isn’t like this - you’ve had a baby, you’ve also had a major operation and now you’re very poorly and struggling with post natal things and he is not living you or cherishing you or his baby - a GOOD father a decent man would not be doing this to you - we all struggle when faced with lack of sleep but, that new baby is as much his and yours and he is failing both of you.
You deserve better x

I think that poster is more blaming the system rather than individual midwives. I have to admit it sounds bonkers to me too. 2 people and a baby cooped up in a small hospital room on top of each other night and day. It would be a recipe for disaster in a hotel room nevermind in a hospital. I don't understand why both parents are expected to be knackered sleeping in a hospital room because let's face it nobody sleeps properly in a hospital rather than there being a nurse or midwife there to help at night when needed. At least one parent would be functional then in the daytime. It's hard enough trying to get enough sleep with a newborn at home where you are in your own bed and can sleep when baby sleeps it must be impossible in a hospital. Having both parents getting hospital quality sleep, cramping them in a room with a newborn baby and expecting all to be good seems very optimistic.

I'm not in the UK but honestly found the OPs situation shocking and the fact that so many posters found nothing odd with it pretty surprising too.

@Dartwarbler
OK I hear you. I am a midwife formerly nurse of 35+years.
Midwifery has changed a LOT in the past 30 years. I can assure you we bust a bloody gut every bloody shift. I go all out for my women.

Any women who has had surgery is given call bell right next to them. They are told to call when baby cry's to call when you need analgesia to call if you need help to go to toilet and to call if you have any concerns. There is no way I'd leave a women floundering.

The woman we are talking about is 2 weeks postpartum and has been readmitted to hospital with a wound infection being treated with iv Abx.

Her partner is with her and his role is to help with the baby. If all was normal this poor woman would be at home at 2 weeks postpartum. In my unit we have cold water sterilisers so any baby being formula fed has one in the room. The father is more than capable of changing a nappy, clothes etc and feeding his baby. That is why he is there. He will have been shown by a HCP how to make up a bottle.
Formula fed babies tend to settle maybe 3 hrs approx between feeds sometimes longer.

This lady had actually been at home and was then readmitted so I'm hoping that the father in this time had at least made up one bottle of formula whilst baby was at home changed at least one nappy and changed baby's clothing!!

There are no nurseries now in hospitals.The baby stays with the mum to promote bonding and new mothers now want their babies by them at all times.
This father is not expected to do the midwives job. He IS expected to be a father though and to give the basic care for HIS baby as in change nappy, clothes to soothe, cuddle and feed otherwise what the fuck is he sitting in the room for.

I'm so tired of my profession being slagged off on here. Midwifery is much more complex than people are aware of the pressure is very often close to overwhelming but I would never ever leave a woman distressed or struggling. I came in to nursing and midwifery in 1986 to care for people I still want to do that and do it to the best of my ability but the system is so much more complex than how it used to be. I'm nearly done with it all. I'm 62 this year, still passionate about caring but it's just so much more difficult than when I started out.

Your aggression needs to be aimed at the useless shit of a father who needs to put his partner and baby before his sleep needs. If his partner was not back in the hospital he would be exactly the same, bloody useless. I worry for women like the OP as I've seen so many over the years.

Sorry for the rant everyone but if you take anything from this post please, please do not vote Tory at next GE they have truly shafted the NHS.

OP I hope you are ok. Feel so sad for you. Please be aware of how ill you are - simply being in hospital on an IV drip means you must just lie in bed and recover in anyone’s book, without adding into the mix the major abdominal surgery you have also gone through. I think you have two options:

1. Send baby and DH home. 2. Send DH home and ask the midwives or HCA to help you. You can process your thoughts about your partner later but right now you must focus on getting better. I know option 1 might seem dramatic, but honestly what you are describing is lunacy and I am really worried you will be in ITU very soon, which will mean a longer recovery period. Please talk to the midwives. I am amazed they haven’t picked up on the issues already but I’m sure they will have seen this many times before. I hope you feel better soon

So you are in hospital in pain and he's annoyed that he is having to care for his own child? What a prick.

Fuck me..where are the bloody midwives in all of this? Why have we reached a point that a women is in hospital with a major problem with major abdominal surgery and the hospital cannot provide sterilised bottles for the baby, and take baby to a nursery for a while for mum to get sleep.
im 60. Its was bloody difficult to get help when I had my 2 by c-section 30 years ago. But at least if you were adamant that you were in pain, could not cope, needed sleep they’d step in and help.
dads being expected to do a midwives job? assuming this is first baby, he’s not bloody equipped for that, and even most helpful dad would be foundering, knackered by now, fearful etc. yep, he’s being a selfish prat, a lot of new dads are in first 6 weeks as it’s fucking new to them and they e not yet learnt the world doesn’t revolve around them yet. But, jeez, they need some bloody help here. A mother of a new born is sick, in hospital for a reason, needs to recover, and baby needs experienced hands to look after it to allow mum not to stress.

The bar has got so low as to what is acceptable levels of care for midwifery. And poster here just suck up that somehow , just cos a baby is involved, you’re not allowed to actually rest and recover from complication of major surgery.

jeez, I’m at a loss how low a priority mums who’ve had major abdominal surgery have become. If this was a bloke he’d not be expected to do anything than lie in bed, sleep, eat his meals bought to him, and gradually get mobile with physio and occ health support. He’d not be expected to wait on a small helpless human hand and foot continuously with no break.

nor would his wife be subject to a barrage of abuse on here becuase she wasn’t doing all his nursing becuase nhs would not provide it,

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤯

Does your partner not care that you are ill?

Glad you got rid, bet you feel all the better for it!
And to think we only had the one, and my exP wanted another 😂😂🫣🫣 this is also where women have to learn, and know, it doesn't matter if the man wants a child or suggests it, you have to look at who and what they are/what your circumstances are etc before going down that road!

But he's leaving her struggling that's not just tiredness.

This was quite triggering for me to read, and i am really sorry for you that you are going through this. I guess there is not a huge amount you can do whilst trying to get better and look after your newborn.
I'm not sure what things were like prior to or during pregnancy, and although emotions are high, tiredness etc.
His behaviour is not appropriate.

My exP was like this and abusive in various ways.
I knew during pregnancy and afterwards that things were not going to be good. By all of what he said or did, and all of what he didn't say or do too.

No excuses at all just that things do make people act a certain way. But his upbringing and culture added to a lot of that.
But when I learnt early on he would not push the pram or change the baby it was sad but the end.
Also when I lay in the bed after an emergency c section and our baby was crying and he would not pick baby up freely that was also sad.

Ringing and texting whilst I was out and baby home with him, or refusing to do certain things also hence so I would rush home. And calling me a b*itch mother etc etc because I was out and therefore I left my baby without the things needing doing whilst I was gone, but baby had not been home on their own 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to get through your recovery and then take a look at things and what yon need to do, going forward.

Sounds like he deserves a large, pus-filled incision of his own, OP.

He's acting like a shit and YANBU. You deserve better.

Fucking hell, OP. I had elective surgery once and my Dh treated me like I was made of glass. Has he always been a complete arsehole?

Oh lovely. You are properly majorly seriously ill. No where else apart from the maternity ward would you currently be expected to do anything other than lie in bed and be helped. Of course you shouldn’t be fucking cleaning bottles or doing anything. If he doesn’t step up and do everything then he will have to do everything when you end up in HDU or ITU. Any friends or family you can ask to come and stay and tell him and then why?
Tell the nursing staff you are struggling and need more help.

Op you absolute poor woman. This man is disgusting. I had a section and difficult recovery but not as bad as you, I only held and fed my baby - that's ALL I did. This man is disgusting. So angry fot you. Tell your HV.

Hospitals are hell when you have to be in them nevermind being trapped in them when you don't need to be. Can he bring baby home for a while during the day? It might help ease tensions if you aren't all trapped on top of each other. You could sleep and he could sleep if baby sleeps when they are at home. It seems ridiculous to have 3 people crammed on top of each other in a hospital room when only 1 needs to be there.

How will he cope if you become seriously unwell in the future.

My dh looks after me so well as I have a myriad of health issues for the last 20+ years. He’s done school runs, weekend clubs and yes with support from my family and friends but he’s done loads. And will continue to do in the future. If I ever needed help he was/is there.

please look at what partner does or doesn’t do. You are most likely better off without him.

Op are you ok? I am genuinely concerned for you. Please speak to the midwife. They will think he is helping you. It might feel too exhausting but you areally do need to let them know. Good luck x

He may be in the wrong for how he's handling it? He IS in the wrong.

Are You for real? She’s just had a fucking baby and she’s got an infection and it’s not a competition? Can you imagine any other patient that has an infection or who had just had surgery been expected to care for another person in this way? Can you imagining someone recovering from, say, an appendectomy having to make food and wash up and care for a baby while still in hospital?

OP, he sounds like a dick. Ask him to leave. You’d be better off on your own, in hospital and in general.

@Cookiesncreme i am sorry you’re so poorly and dealing with your partner being unhelpful. It sounds like he’s making the situation harder. Consider sending him home and explaining to the midwives that you need some additional help. I’m sure - as other people on the thread have said - they will help you.
once you’re home and better, you can reevaluate whether this is the man you want in your life. If he can’t even step up when you’re unwell enough to need hospital treatment, when will he? No sleep is not an excuse. He can feel tired but he needs not to take it out on you!
wish you a speedy recovery 💐

It’s in the early days they should be doing the most.