Should I have expected my wife to answer?

Oh my, I had missed that you were taking DC out without her all along. Honestly, is there ANYTHING more annoying than your OH saying he will take the DC out but the sheer effort preparing for that moment is so overwhelming it seems pointless.

See also fuck arsing around for half an hour before they actually leave the house with the children. I don't really care if I have to get the kid ready but if I do then please just fuck the fuck off and give me some peace. Dp does this (and it includes going to the loo 70 times) to the point that by the time the front door shuts my blood pressure is through the roof.

You still haven't answerd key questions. And in light of your most recent update, the most important question is - how old is your DC and what childcare is needed? Because when you say she works part time, do you mean that she works part time and then has time to do nothing, or is she working part time and then taking your DC out of nursery/school and doing childcare? During term time, Dh, who works part time, has more time off than me and a lot of that time is spent doing the various chores etc that need doing. Come the holidays, that shifts and inevitably I'm either doing more childcare, or I'm doing more chores (or the house just gets a whole lot dirtier eyes ginormous pile of washing that has built up this week) because his part time hours give him SOME flexiblity, but only a limited amount as he still has to do all the term time school collection/post school acticities/ early dinners etc.

And when you say apologise, have you said it wont' happen againm/ you\ll change?

I think if you feel like she gets lots more free time than you and you're resentful, there's a much bigger issue. if you're right, then at some pooint you need to agree what can be done to address this so that you're both happier. If you're wrong, you will need to figure out why you are wrong and how you can change your mindset.

Do you have childcare for your child during the time she has "off"? If so, then maybe there is an imbalance. If not, then it's not really free time, is it?

I think its rude to refuse to answer someone. She may have issues with you shouting from another room, delegating tasks and thinking that you are always more busy than she is, but if that's the case she needs to sit you down and have an adult conversation about how she feels, not just decide to ignore you.

And as for 'going back to bed' because she's angry, that is a massive overreaction and imo very unhealthy behaviour. I only know one person who takes themselves off to bed when things go wrong or an argument happens and they have clinical depression, which of course is an illness and not their fault. Could this be a possibility for your wife? Otherwise it just comes across as very dramatic and petty. I'm also assuming it meant that your son didn't get his day out?

It sounds like there might be underlying issues going on that you both need to talk about. If you had just got out of the bath I think its reasonable that you asked her if she could see to the DC, and personally I don't see the problem with shouting through to another room, but maybe you need to investigate whether your wife feels undervalued or overworked.

I do ultimately think she was rude not to answer you though, that's a very childish way of dealing with an issue. And the going back to bed isn't normal imo so I think that needs a conversation too.

And this. Jesus.👆🙄

Yes this 👆

I hate it when my DH shouts at me from another room as usually I can't hear and I have to go to him. I find that rude. If he wants to speak to me, he should be the one coming.

"instead of descalating the situation, I continued to moan at her for not answering, and she went back to bed upset at me and left the house angry at her."
At least you know you should have handled it differently, I suppose that's something. Not much. Not enough, on it's own. But something.

"its not the first time she has ignored a question when she thinks i should know the answer."
There's a saying - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. In this case, I expect she has always answered you in the past, resulting in you always asking more questions that you should know the answer to. In an effort to stop this, she has changed tack; in the hope that it will prompt you to ask yourself the question and not ask her.

It is quite infuriating for a competent adult to behave as if they know nothing, remember nothing, think nothing. Think, adult mewling 'darling where are my car keys?' to which the only logical response is 'I expect they're where you left them' and not 'Oh let me find them for you'. You are a competent adult, aren't you?

Have a read at this. See if it strikes a chord.

Do you often fall out over such trivia?

Why are you being so vague? It's like talking to exBIL - you can never get a straight answer to the actual question, just responses to tangental questions that are supposed to show why you're the reasonable one and she's not.

1. what was your wife doing at the time?
2. Is this the first time you have had this sort of argument? Has she been annoyed at you shouting from another room in the past? Does she complain you don't help with the getting ready? She said you should have known she was busy - did you?
3. Had she asked you to manage the child (or was that the usual expectation)? Or was there anything else going on such as you were late to shower/you'd had a previous argument earlier in the day etc?
4. How old is your child?
5. Why didn't you let it go after the argument?

SOOO many variables that you've been carefully ignoring.

"I ask my wife if she can go upstairs and help DS but she doesn’t answer. I wait and then ask again and still no answer. I go upstairs and help DS."

I'm going to take a wild guess that conversations have been had about this, before this specific incident. These conversations have been along the lines that your time is no more valuable than hers, your parental responsibility is no less than hers, and that you really need to stop expecting her to ask 'how high?' when you say 'jump!'.

A normal husband (i.e. mine), had he shouted for my attention from the other room (you did shout, you know - you'd have had to, to be heard from another room) and I had not answered, would have poked his head round the doorway to see what I was doing/was I okay. That you did not do so, but instead got on with doing what you'd tried to abdicate to her, is what tells me that conversations have been had.

I think you need to ask yourself, 'how often do I just expect my wife to pick up the drudge-work of parenthood, rather than spontaneously do it myself?' Answer yourself honestly.

I agree. Yelling at someone in a different room is rude. Usually they can't hear you and so your expectation is that they will stop what they're doing and come to YOU to find out what you want.

I don't bother now - I just ignore the yeller.

There's so much detail and background missing that it's impossible to answer who was BU.

I have been known to ignore questions in this way when he's basically relying on me to do all the thinking and I've had enough. However, that might not be what was happening in this situation.

The lack of detail means that lots of posters are projecting massively and responding to the scenario as it played out in their own head which is unlikely to be anything like reality. Some will just be enjoying joining in the pile-on.

If you really want to know if you're BU, set out what actually happened in more detail.

I don't understand why my post was deleted but anyway - I would like to know why OP didn't let it go. Is this part of a bigger issue between them?

I am sick to the back teeth of being bellowed for from another room when I'm in the middle of doing something.

(Unless it's an emergency) if you want me, come and speak to me. Do not yodel from the bedroom to get me to assist you. I'm not your dog or lackey. I don't enjoy yelling across the house as a form of communication.

Asking people not to do that was ineffective. Now I just ignore it, on the grounds that if they do want to speak to me, they will come to the kitchen to talk to me rather than hollering like they're in a farmyard. It took a bit of time but it works now.

I suspect the OP's wife was in a similar mindset.

Tbf, expecting a simple yes or no answer isn't unreasonable. Ignoring someone is rude.

However, I suspect there is probably a back story?

And also if you were meant to be taking your DC out by yourself and she was meant to be having some time "off", there is nothing more fucking irritating than a parent who can't get their child ready and so is constantly bothering the other parent. I know a few parents (well, fathers tbh) who view themselves as doing "A GREAT THING" if they take their DC to the playground at the weekend, but expect to be presented with fully-dressed, coated and booted children and a fully-packed buggy bag to do this, so the other parent has to get up to organise the DC. Whereas when it's their turn for a lie in, they simply don't emerge or give the kids a thought until midday.

Why didn't you do it yourself or was it too much to ask?

This is bizarre.

Why interrupt your wife? Unless your DC is very young and needed help urgently, couldn't you have asked them to wait a minute?

You made an assumption that whatever your wife was doing in the kitchen was probably less important than you getting ready and definitely unimportant enough that she should immediately take time out to consider and answer your request.

Personally I would have told the DC to wait (unless in danger of life and limb) and finished getting ready, then attended to them. But then I'm used to balancing a 1yo and a 6yo everyday and getting us all ready very quickly and out of the house in time for school most mornings. I'd ask the other parent to help if they were around and on the scene, but not if doing something in the kitchen.

Maybe you need more practice?

I agree with you!

Yes on the face of it she was rude not to reply. That's just manners. She could've said she was busy etc.
but there's obviously a back story