Should I have expected my wife to answer?

If you’re getting silent treatment I think you’ve probably got more issues than her ignoring you.
if this had been posted with the sexes reversed you would have been given some very different responses.

ignoring you is abusive behaviour.

You are focusing on this one incident when it sounds like there is a backstory here and ongoing problems in your relationship in terms of communication and expectations. You're not going to improve your marriage by getting strangers to vote and make you feel better that you were right. You're going to do it by open and honest communication.
"When you... I feel... because..."
Not "You always..." "I was right and you were wrong about..."

Does anyone really think it OK when a partner is asked if they can help a child to just ignore it ? The OP is not saying he has the arse because she could not or would not help but that she did not answer, surely it’s common manners to answer when spoken to even to say “sorry hun I am busy”.

Would the responses have been the same if the Mum has asked the Dad and he had ignored her ?

I do my fair share around the house from childcare to housework, as does she. I guess was tired of being ignored.

If you want to make this situation better, you need to unpack this sentence ^
What is your fair share? Do you mean you help out with the housework or do you mean you take on 50% or the responsibility for monitoring, planning and carrying out all of the tasks involved in running a family? That includes a multitude of things like:

• Knowing when your child will need new shoes or if their uniform fits; not just putting them on him on a school morning.
• Making sure you have stock of bags for the vacuum cleaner and that the filter is clean; not just using it for a quick whizz round on a Saturday morning.
• Planning and resourcing meals that work for the whole family, including making sure there is oil, herbs, the ingredients are defrosted, taking into account everyone's schedule, preferences, etc; not just cooking what she tells you needs cooking.
• Knowing whose birthday is coming up and making sure there is a card, present, wrapping paper, sticky tape, a stamp, party clothes ready; not just agreeing to take the child and the present to the party.
• Keeping tabs on whether the bin has been cleaned recently and whether you have bin bags; not just emptying the bin.

Only you know whether what you do falls in the descriptors above. and only you know whether being sick of having to do all the thinking was the reason your wife refused to answer you.

You've been given lots of food for thought so you should now be able to work out for yourself whether you or your DW was being unreasonable when she refused to answer you.

@Reddca I'm afraid I voted that YABU. I am a man, and although I see your point that it wouldn't have hurt to have an answer, it seems to have escalated out of all proportion.

I realise that the written word can come across differently to how it might have been intended, however if the tone to your wife comes across to her in the same way the tone in your message comes across to me, I suspect there are deeper issues and that this instance isn't actually about whether she answered you or not, but is about something deeper, as is her lack of response.

Generally, I approach life on the basis of "don't sweat the small stuff", and this is really small stuff. Nobody died, nobody was going to die, and to wait a few minutes isn't going to hurt anybody. For this to get to the point where you are irate (it sounds like you are), and she isn't talking to you is crazy.

In the nicest possible way, you need to get some perspective.

Generally speaking if a person is in the kitchen, it means they’re busy. It’s not usually somewhere people go to relax. Also you heard your son, you should have responded to him.

She was rude to ignore you when a simple "I'm busy can you go?" Was all that was needed.

Mine too!!! DH does it to me. I’ll ask him something. He doesn’t answer. I ask him again and he’ll say I heard you the first time. Well fucking reply then you rude twat!!

I think the consensus is clear but I'll add that I have a rule that no one shouts questions or requests to me from another room. I think it's so rude. If you want to talk to me you have to be in the same room. Exceptions apply for emergencies or illness. Being shouted to from another room is unacceptable in my house

You’ve apologised, now just leave it. Over apologising can be another way of demanding. She sounds like she wanted some time without demands.

Yes getting dressed is probably more difficult to drop than other activities but she will have heard him too and chose not to react. You chose to react by delegating to her, overriding her decision and telling her what to do, not by taking action yourself. The underlying message/criticism that could be taken from this is “your son needs you, why aren’t you going to him?”

Maybe she’s tired of your questions. Maybe she’s tired of you faffing round the kids when she knows they are capable of the task themselves? My kids could do so much more than their dad gave them credit for. I was pushing them for independence and he was running round after them making the transition harder than it should have been.

Your wife is right; you should have answered your DS yourself given you heard him, instead of telling your wife to.

You were both busy so not sure why your busyness trumped hers, and it comes across as if you think you're the boss of her.

She works part time.
she does childcare work other times.

so during the time the kids are at school and she isn’t working do you really think she does nothing toward the house management, washing, cooking, cleaning, organising children’s appointments, new clothes etc. if this activity is happening then it isn’t free time.

sounds like u expect undisturbed time and possibly she doesn’t get as much undisturbed time so was annoyed. Can’t be a one off to act like that. If u were in charge of son you shouldn’t have been showering during that time.

My DH keeps asking me to do something when I’m already doing something else. I tell him I’m busy and to do it himself. I am not really surprised by your wife’s initial reaction (but having a full blown row and going back to bed is a bit much).

Why is the job he wants me to do automatically more important than the job I am already doing? I’ll tell you why : male privilege.

I don’t need instructions when I’m already busy and neither does your wife.

Yes, it's very annoying if one parent regularly manages to take them out without making a huge song and dance about it as if it's some sort of incredible sacrifice. And points indignantly to this - "see, I already did something!" - when expected to be an adult and pull their weight the rest of the time.

I think I'm in the minority when I say I think her response was unreasonable. Fine, she's busy but it doesn't mean your husband can't ask you a question or for help with something.
But at the same time, I also hate being shouted from another room by my other half because I can't hear him and I always have to go and find out what he wants, which is really frustrating if you're busy doing something else. You both need to talk about this and find another way to communicate better, it sounds like the issue hasn't been properly resolved but you're both just carrying on like nothing has happened? So a similar disagreement will inevitably happen again

No I don't think you do get it if in the next para you write you value your time more than hers!!

She's clearly fucking fed up of you valuing your time more than hers.

Probably something to benefit the whole family, like washing up, making dinner, putting the food shopping away. I very much doubt she was doing her nails, having a face mask or anything thing else only beneficial to her. I fucking hate being hollered at. Like I'm some kind of working dog.

What was she doing in the kitchen?
What exactly did "getting ready" entail?

You value your time more than hers?

Wow.

Is this a reverse?

I was so definitely just reading this thread for entertainment and not piling in - but can I add to the “expecting fully dressed coated and booted children” line to and expecting to be able to come home and have children “unpacked” by parent who’s enjoying the “free time” while the one who took them out then collapses on the sofa, phone scrolls and refuses to engage for the rest of the day “because you had a break earlier”….