DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

This is so rude! It suggests he doesn’t respect your parent at all or value the support they provide to enable you both to work. How would he feel if your parent decides they won’t help anymore because of this? I hope your husband sees the error of his ways quickly and apologises to your parent. Out of interest, do you think he would behave this way if it was his parent looking after the kids, or do you think he’d check with them first?

Absolutely taking the piss… DH should have returned home immediately and apologized to your DM @Pony67. Typical selfish, entitled man. I’d lose my shit over this!

I am cringing for your incredibly rude husband. What a prize CF.

This is utterly irrelevant. If SS lived with OP, the chances are her parents would already know him quite well. Plus when asked if they could babysit they would know that he was likely to be present and could take that into account when deciding whether to agree. It would still be wrong to invite his friend round without asking them, though.

Surely it's basic that you don't offer up someone else as a free babysitter without asking them first? Especially if they are already doing you a favour?

I'm sure your husband will deny that it would bother him if someone did it to him, but for sure it would.

Dunno really.

YANBU insofar as your parent is there and (from your perspective) is now being hustled into additional babysitting.

YABU though in that the house should be as much your stepsons home as it is your biological child’s, and a 12 year old could be left home alone without need for babysitting- so would/could be there anyway, IYSWIM?

So no easy answer really. But I think it’s a pertinent reminder of why blended/step families are a lot more complicated than people often imagine they will be, and why creating one successfully isn’t easy.

If I was asked to have 1 child and ended up with three - you can bet I’d say NO to any future babysitting.

It’s unfair and not how we treat each other.

Where does it say he’s ostracised ? OP says her parent doesn’t know him well and they don’t have a grandparent/grandchild relationship. That could be for a variety of reasons - the opportunity to build a relationship may not arise depending on contact arrangements. Doesn’t mean they deliberately shun him.

should have at least asked first-an why does ehe need supervision at 12

How patronising can you get !! Yes OP’s mum knows she married into a step family. That’s absolutely no excuse for DH to drop two extra, much older children on her with no notice and without even asking if it was OK. Different if OP or DH were at home, but totally rude to expect someone else to just step up.

It might be his home, but his actual parent - his dad - isn’t there to supervise and OP had only organised her parent to babysit their younger child. It’s not the fact that DH said yes to his ex dropping off his son, it’s that he didn’t make sure it was OK with OP’s parent first. It’s just rude.

I think it’s really rude to do this to ANYONE and he owes your parent a sincere apology.
on another note though, why does your parent not have a good relationship with your SS? I find that really sad.

Out of order and I hope he is encouraged to apologise to your parent.
Bit bemused by all these step children who still need constant supervision at 12 though. I've noticed it in real life too. Is due to over compensating?

That’s beside the point. Surely your DH can see that your parent will be responsible for 1, probably 2, children she doesn’t know well plus your child? It’s not just feeding the kids it’s the responsibility should they have an accident, decide to take themselves off somewhere and so on. And looking after 12 year olds is totally different to looking after a small child. Your DH wildly overstepped.

Really really bad form, very presumptuous and rude.

@mrsdineen2 - as @Pony67‘s dh didn’t ASK his in-law if they would be happy to look after his older child, you can’t frame this as the grandparent rejecting their step grandchild, because you have no evidence either way.

The issue is that the OP’s dh didn’t bother to ask if it would be OK for his son to be there too - frankly, it doesn’t matter who the babysitter is, who the extra children are, or what sort of relationship the sitter has with the older child - if someone - anyone - is asked to look after one child, it is cheeky fuckery to add two more children without asking!

It’s fine presumably your mother knows u married into a step family stop making him feel unwelcome it’s a honour for teens to feel like they can bring friends over

If the OP and/or her DH invited the OP's parents to visit then went out leaving them to look after their shared DC without asking if it would be okay they would be unreasonable. So it's equally unreasonable to expect the OP's parents to look after the OP's DSS without asking them.

It's even more rude to expect them to look after another unrelated child but really it's the not having the manners to ask for st that makes the DH unreasonable/rude. It doesn't matter who the extra child/rent is.

YANBU

All it would have taken was for him to call and ask your parent if it was all right especially when there was another child in tow.

Not everyone is comfortable watching a child they don’t know and never met without warning and not having met the friend’s parents. That leaves your parent liable if something had gone wrong under their watch with SS’s friend.

How would your DH feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he went from watching one to three children with no warning?

Yes, so a proper reverse would be "It's the man's parents who are babysitting his child with his current wife. The wife has an older child from a previous relationship and it is her ex'sday to have said DC buthewants to go out."

Sorry, yes you're right. I got lost in the different relationships and omitted this further degree of separation.

Awful behaviour and your parents may be less inclined to babysit in future.

That's outrageous!

Askimg your dp to watch dss is fine (but ok for them to say no). Not asking and just assuming is ridiculously cheeky. What happens if your dp now says they wont watch your child again as they don't want to end up with dss and all his pals too!!

Yes, so a proper reverse would be "It's the man's parents who are babysitting his child with his current wife. The wife has an older child from a previous relationship and it is her ex's day to have said DC but he wants to go out."

If a useless ex imposed childcare onto a woman for the day, 99% of posters would expect the in laws, already babysitting one kid for the day, to step up and watch the second kid so she could work.

@Pony67

Yeah cheeky. Your mum should have been informed.