DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

Wow! Your DH is an arse. I’d be furious if mine did this.

Your DH prefers having an easy life and dislikes confronting parenting issues with his ex. Instead of saying to his ex, "Sorry, I'm not at home to take care of him", he thought it'd be perfect for your parent to give free childcare.

To make it even easier for him, he invited a friend of your step son when your parent a) doesn't know/have a relationship with your SS, b) shouldn't be providing free child care to his friend at all.

You need to have a serious talk with him. It's up to him and his ex to look after their child. Saying your SS is old enough not to need "too much care" is a cope out.

.

Very rude & your DH was totally out of order. So cheeky.

@Poppinjay the OP never said that though.
It could be that him and his mate wanted to be at that house because that's where the footy goal in the garden or the playstation or the massive Hornby train set happen to be and they wanted to play with it....
Who knows?

Mr McBitey is a very handsome cat SamBeckett !! And inscrutable to boot !!

It's pretty clear that the child's parents are in agreement that he cannot be left alone at home for a day, hence him being dropped off to be cared for by the OP's parent.

It would be exactly the same if the children were full siblings.

It’s just plain rude. Obviously no problem if asked and agreed prior to your parent arriving. There’s a distinct difference between asking if ok and just assuming ok.

Of course it changes the dynamic for the person babysitting and they need to be asked in advance if they’re happy to babysit all three without making the assumption for them.

Hes not a little kid that requires care he's a 12 year old boy very much entitled to be in his father home. He's still part of that household and shouldn't be treated ant differently from his sm parents. Many boys that age won't be home alone. I'm thankful my son is treated with kindness and respect from all family members not an unwanted outsider.

I am out all day and my cat is lonely can i drop him off too ?. Dont stroke him he is a bitey bugger.

Cat tax paid

In other words yes your dh is a cf and should apologise and he should send ss and his mate to his own ( DHs ) parents

Ah, so there we have it. It’s OP’s fault. As the step parent she should shoulder full responsibility for not having read her DH’s mind and not preparing her mum for looking after three kids instead of one. Yes, it’s DSS’s home also, but OP and DH were not at home, and at the very least DH should have asked OP’m mum if she was OK looking after the other kids as well. Anything else is rude and entitled.

He completely took advantage of your patent. They don't owe his child any childcare whatsoever. And then to bring another child into that too. Wow I would be furious at him dumping that on your parent.

I would read him the bloody riot act to be honest!!
Regardless of whether ss is 'part of the family unit' or not the agreement was your parents were looking after one child!
There have been times when my sister has agreed to look after one of my children, I certainly wouldn't just show up with both of them without asking, even though they are full siblings the agreement was she would only be looking after one of them!!

Wouldn't a 12 year old have their own front door key to their home though?
This child has 2 homes.
Surely he could just go there and let himself in? It's his home.

YANBU its rude and it’s not your parents responsibility to look after an unrelated older child. Just because you and your DP decided to blend your immediate family, that decision does not automatically extend to everyone else.

Your SS and your parents don’t need a relationship if they don’t want, it wasn’t either of their decisions to be part of each others lives.

There will always be awkward situations in blended family set ups, but it’s up to the parents (the decision makers) of the shared DC and any SC to ensure that these situations are avoided.

In this instance that would be your DH who is using the OPs DP for free childcare. He is in the wrong. He should have said to ex, sorry can’t do both me at OP are working today.

But you will have posters coming along talking about family units and chastising your parents for not leaving half their possession in their will to SS etc etc

In a family where the children were full siblings, it would still be unreasonable to ask a grandparent to look after one small child for the day then arrange for the older child who was meant the be elsewhere to be dropped off with a friend.

The grandparent agreed to care for one child. Adding in two more without warning or consultation is rude full stop. The way those children are or aren't related is irrelevant.

Why do you think he’s not in the family unit ? The point here is that parent was asked to babysit one child, and ended up with three - two of whom are significantly older - without any notice. That’s just rude. Parent is not the childs’ grandparent and doesn’t know him well - could be for any number of reasons, not necessarily that they don’t want him, or don’t consider him family. Without knowing the full set up this is a reach.

Your parent agreed to look after one child,
That's like my parent agreeing to look after my nephew for my DS and me rocking up with my three for her to look after also without asking them such cf behavoiur.
Has nothing at all to do with if its a step child or biological for those saying that, adding more children than agreed without discussing first should never be assumed is ok to do even in an emergency I would ask first not just leave with someone in the family because they watching another child anyway type of attitude.

Maybe, but the point here is the way in which it was done. No notice - not even a heads up that he was coming, let alone bringing a friend. As evidenced by parent ringing to check if OP knew he was coming. That’s what’s unacceptable here.

OP married into a step-family, not her mum!!

He’s a dick. I would be furious if he dumped his child on my parent without their consent.

In fact if the child hasn’t been dropped off yet, I’d say he needs to ring his ex back and say no, he made a mistake and it won’t be possible for her to drop off after all.

Volunteering other people's time without asking them is always rude and ill advised!

I wouldn't be at all happy if I were the parents of the 12 year old's friend, either. If something happened, no-one's clearly in charge.

If I were the OP and it were my mum babysitting my child/her grandchild, and DH’s ex-wife wanted to go out today so dropped her kid and his friend at my house - I GUARANTEE that would be the last time my mum would do childcare for me. She’d expect me to take her grandchild to her house for fun times/ Sunday lunch, do day trips etc, just generally enjoy her grandchild. She has more dignity than to be treated as unpaid, not-even-consulted childcare for two children she’s not related to and one child she’s never even seen before.

And, she would make it very clear to my DH exactly what she thought of him taking advantage of her in this way. My dad would probably tell him as well. They wouldn’t hold back, and they’d be cross with me too, for not sorting it out.

This is shockingly rude and presumptuous. Nothing to do with the step-relationship. It’s making plans for another adult without even consulting them, let alone asking them. I mean, in what circumstance can anyone expect that that’s ok? When I’m every day life does one adult ever so this to another?

I don't think they did anything wrong really and having the friend there will keep ss occupied. Is it not his house also. Step-parents can act really weird.

OP, let us know when your husband is next looking after your child on his own. We'll drop our kids round for him to look after too. After all, according to him it's perfectly normal and polite.