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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

319 replies

Pony67 · 13/04/2024 10:17

Me and DH are out all day today (not together but both working all day).

My parent was coming over to ours to look after our young child.

I have just found out that my husband has told his ex its fine to drop his son off at our house so she can go out (he is 12). He has also told SS that he can have a friend over too.

Aibu to think this is so SO rude when he knows my parent is at home (and is likely the reason he said it was fine to drop him off).

My parent doesn't really know SS well at all, they aren't close, not like a grandparent / grandchild relationship at all.

SS is a good kid but pretty immature in some ways I.e. I imagine there will be lots of asking for food instead of just getting it himself or drinks or asking if he and friend can go to the park or wherever. All of which I don't feel my parent should need to deal with and is unfair to expect them to especially with things like asking to go out. It shouldn't be on my parent to check they are back in time, check where they are going etc etc...

DH doesn't think it's a problem because he's old enough not to need "loads of care". I disagree and think if he knew my parent was there to care for our DC he should have asked.

My parent hasn't said anything other than to tell me SS and friend had turned up and did I know. But they wouldn't do because they are too nice. I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit.

OP posts:
Kisskiss · 13/04/2024 16:59

I wouldn’t feel ok with this unless he made a huge apology gesture somehow - maybe get them a nice thank you gift or take them out for a meal

Rosscameasdoody · 13/04/2024 16:59

Jk8 · 13/04/2024 16:19

Can't believe you moved in/had kids with somebody & this has never come up

Yes. Your DH should have asked first but your mother should also be capable of responding to questions like 'can I have food' with 'can you make it' & wether its safe for a child to be at a park ect.

You all sound very disconnected

As has been said previously, the decision to marry and blend their families was OP and DH’s. It absolutely doesn’t confer any responsibility on OP’s parents to act as grandparents to DSS any more than it would on DH’s parents if OP had a child from a previous relationship. DSS potentially still has two sets of grandparents, the same as their half sibling. Clearly it would be nice if everyone got along but not the end of the world if circumstances mean they’re not close.

Ellie56 · 13/04/2024 16:58

Your so called "D"H is a massive twat.

Kisskiss · 13/04/2024 16:58

So rude, treating your parent worse than a paid babysitter or a nanny!!! You wouldn’t be able to add extra kids into the deal without notice

BusyMummy001 · 13/04/2024 16:53

WimpoleHat · 13/04/2024 10:24

That’s more than rude - that’s an enormous and unfair imposition. He owes your parent a grovelling apology and a meal out or something as thanks.

This really.

DSS may be a fairly independent and lovely child, his friend may also be lovely, but they are minors and now your parents have been forced to be legally responsible for them. Your parents may have planned to take your DC out and now they can’t. Any of the children could be taken ill or have an accident, and as the adults on the premises they are now obligated.

He was absolutely out of order to arrange for them to visit without asking your parents first. I would not be surprised if they are reluctant to help you both out going forward. Nothing short of a sincere, grovelling apology is in order.

CatherineofAmazon · 13/04/2024 16:53

Well out of order. I would be furious.

godmum56 · 13/04/2024 16:46

I bet he understands fine well why this is rude and unnacceptable and is doing the big innocent eyes "but I don't understaaaaaand" thing. Is he usually as much of a tit as this?

ManchesterLu · 13/04/2024 16:37

If he didn't need 'loads of care' he could surely have stayed at his mum's. The fact he needed to come to yours shows he needs caring for, which is your DH's job to organise, and certainly not the job of your parent. Very rude and assuming.

Notreat · 13/04/2024 16:20

Very unfair on your parents and suggests that he takes their childcare completely for granted. Why didn't he tell his ex he was out and couldn't look after him. Telling him to phone his dad if he needs anything is completely meaningless!

Jk8 · 13/04/2024 16:19

Can't believe you moved in/had kids with somebody & this has never come up

Yes. Your DH should have asked first but your mother should also be capable of responding to questions like 'can I have food' with 'can you make it' & wether its safe for a child to be at a park ect.

You all sound very disconnected

Needmorelego · 13/04/2024 16:19

@gindreams which comment? I have made a few !

Astariel · 13/04/2024 16:19

bows101 · 13/04/2024 15:16

Ah, another classic step child thread.
Your husbands child.
Should be accepted into your household regardless.
Like your DH said, he is 12 and going out with a friend, self sufficient for a few hours. I don't see an issue. Yes it would have been polite to make your parent aware he was going to be dropped off, but it's not like your parent needs to watch him.
I would say YABU.

Do people just see the SC thing and slip straight into statements from the bingo card without thinking?

The OP has arranged babysitting for her child. You don’t just dump two
additional children on a babysitter without checking it’s ok first.

Whoever the babysitter is.

The fact that this is babysitting for the husband’s ex and he’d rather just dump additional work on his ILs without consulting them in any way than disappoint his ex is classic stepfamily toxicity.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2024 16:15

Fuck me but that's so rude!Shock

Is your husband trying to make your parents reluctant to babysit in future?

gindreams · 13/04/2024 16:15

@Needmorelego what a silly comment

GrumpyPanda · 13/04/2024 16:11

RedHelenB · 13/04/2024 10:31

A 12 year old is old enough to be home alone so I don't think he's being unreasonable. Its dsc home too

Pretty clear the child's actual mum doesn't agree with you. And that's just by himself, not even adding in a friend and the additional potential for havoc!

hottchocolatte · 13/04/2024 16:06

Yes that's not acceptable really. He has essentially agreed your parent will provide free childcare for his ex (or him) without even asking her.

Epidote · 13/04/2024 16:04

I don't think this is about the step son, not even about his mate, is about the lack of communication between OP husband and the rest of the adults involved in the situation.
Dparents agreed to take care of one kid, no to take care of three.
I'm sure that of they are nice that the seem to be and they knew they just go along with the day, but now everything blew up because OP husband didn't ask, didn't consult, didn't do anything other than the "yeah, it should be fine"
His excuses are terrible btw.
Yes I think he is VU.

Daleksatemyshed · 13/04/2024 16:00

It's rude to just expect someone to look after extra DC without asking, if you want childcare you do the decent thing and ask first. I presume your DH didn't because he didn't want to fall out with his Ex and he knew if your DM said no he was out of options, this doesn't make it OK. Why do so many men prefer to piss off their present partner rather than their Ex?

Poppinjay · 13/04/2024 16:00

bows101 · 13/04/2024 15:16

Ah, another classic step child thread.
Your husbands child.
Should be accepted into your household regardless.
Like your DH said, he is 12 and going out with a friend, self sufficient for a few hours. I don't see an issue. Yes it would have been polite to make your parent aware he was going to be dropped off, but it's not like your parent needs to watch him.
I would say YABU.

Except that it's not, is it?

If' the older child was able to just go out with a friend, he could have done this from his mother's house. He was dropped off with the OP's parent so his mother could go out. Clearly he does need watching.

So much projection about step-parenting on this thread when the situation would be exactly the same if they were full siblings 🙄

Alondra · 13/04/2024 15:58

Maray1967 · 13/04/2024 15:25

If your parents were not needed to actually supervise the older two, why couldn’t they stay at the mum’s house? That does not make sense.

That's a very good question.

Needmorelego · 13/04/2024 15:54

Ok apologies......I missed that the Dad and the Mum don't want him unsupervised and home alone.
Anyway....... maybe I am a "more the merrier" type person because I (if I were the Grandparent) wouldn't have an issue with this at all.
But it's not my family....so 🤷

RocketsMagnificent7 · 13/04/2024 15:48

Reallyneedsaholiday · 13/04/2024 13:16

I think it’s really rude to do this to ANYONE and he owes your parent a sincere apology.
on another note though, why does your parent not have a good relationship with your SS? I find that really sad.

It's not sad, it's quite obvious to work out.

OP and her husband don't have the stepson full-time, so the OP very likely sees her family on the occasions they don't have her stepson in order to use the time they do to see his family. It's perfect normal.

PhoenixReincarnated · 13/04/2024 15:43

It's all very well saying 12 year old don't need supervision butt you can guarantee if anything we're to happen the OP's parent(s) would be held responsible by at least some probably including CF DH

OP tell your parent(s) to take the little one to the park/out somewhere and tell your DH that that's what they're doing leaving the two 12 year olds home. See how he reacts.

mumedu · 13/04/2024 15:41

bows101 · 13/04/2024 15:16

Ah, another classic step child thread.
Your husbands child.
Should be accepted into your household regardless.
Like your DH said, he is 12 and going out with a friend, self sufficient for a few hours. I don't see an issue. Yes it would have been polite to make your parent aware he was going to be dropped off, but it's not like your parent needs to watch him.
I would say YABU.

I disagree with this. The parents will feel responsible for them if they're there. If nobody needs to watch them, why didn't they just hang out by themselves at the mum's place?

mumedu · 13/04/2024 15:37

This is incredibly rude and really not OK behaviour on your husband's part. He cannot just volunteer your parents' services without asking permission.