DH doesn't understand why this is rude, AIBU?

I think there’s give and take on both sides here tbh.. you have chosen to be with someone who has a child.. this is one of them situations where the responsibility is on you and your husband to try a gauge a relationship with your parents with this child.. your parents should also get to know him..

yea he should have asked, but your making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s a one off.. you simply say to him in future to make sure he asks, you also mention to your parents it would be nice for them to get to know SS a bit so they are familiar with him.. the adults in this situation need to start acting like it.

the mum is well within her rights to ask him to have his son, your husband should have asked but this is also SS home so he has every right to say yes in this situation.. your parents could have chose to leave if they felt that uncomfortable about the situation.. I would personally let this go it’s really not the end of the world.

Very rude not to ask first. If you had two biological children and a grandparent had agreed to watch one of them, then arrived to find both and a friend without anyone asking if that was alright, that would be rude, too.

Your husband needs to accept that the general consensus is that it's never okay to just dump more duties on someone without at least asking first. He owes your parent a favour or a small thank-you gift of some sort.

Surely though even if he was their biological grandson it is still rude. They turned up expecting to look after one child, adding another without asking is rude. Adding a child they have never met and know nothing about is completely out of order

this should have been arranged with enough notice so they had a chance to say yes or no

You’re right OP.

he’s taking the absolute bloody piss and if it were me I’d drop my LOs off at my parents on the way to work and be home well after DH. And if the house is a shit tip, or the kids have badly behaved then that is on him to resolve.

if all is well, then great 🤨

@boozeclues that's what I meant though - this isn't a brand new relationship if there has been a wedding and a child born. It's got to be at least a few years. There should have been some type of relationship formed in that time - it's a bit sad if there hasn't been.
Obviously different if the grandparents lived on the other side of the country or something but they must live close enough if they can do a day of babysitting.

Nope, what if DSS doesn’t want a relationship with his half siblings grandparents?

These are unrelated people who only know each other through someone else’s decision to remarry and blend a family. It’s up to the step Gps and DSS if they want a relationship.

it’s then up to the parents of the children involved to navigate and help facilitate relationships and expectations, OPs DH has fucked up and owes his ILs an apology

So?

@Otherstories2002 but they do have a connection to each other. They have become family through marriage.

So his ex could go out? Why on earth should the OP’s parents (no relation!) babysit the stepson for her convenience?! Bonkers!

It’s not odd - lots of kids don’t meet step grandparents. If you’re not living with the parent when you see them you want quality time. Not hanging out with step family. I would have been really annoyed as a child if my dad had forced me to spend time as a 12 year old with old people I had no connection to.

When your husband married you and had a child with you, he clearly overestimated how much family reciprocity he can expect for himself and your child's brother.

You need to be clear to him about just how much he can expect from his wife and MIL.

Then he can also set some clear boundaries about how much time, effort and money he is willing to give.

Then you'll both be happy.

If your DH truly thought it wasn't a problem, then he should have asked her if she minded if his son and friend were at the house, too, while she was babysitting.

He didn't, though, so he knows deep down he was taking advantage of your mum's good nature.

But if his parents were comfortable with SS being left home alone he would have been home alone - at his Mum's as planned. He was brought over expressly to allow the Mum to go out i.e. he is not old enough to be home alone, therefore his Dad is assuming op's parents will take responsibility for him.

Absolutely not ok without checking with them first.

OP your DH owes your parents a big apology. And don't be surprised if they refuse to babysit at your house again

@Otherstories2002 I just find it odd that the (step) grandparents haven't got to know the 12 year old.
The OP has been with her husband long enough for him to become her husband and have a child.
Plenty of time to get to know the 12 year old.
He is the actual grandchild's half sibling. They should know him.
(in my humble personal opinion)

I wouldn't want to leave a 12yr old all day, but I would think that they would be capable of making toast/sandwiches/getting snacks out of the cupboard & putting the tv on!

But he doesn’t does he. So they would have known what they were signing up to and planned accordingly. And could have set their own boundaries re mate over etc.

I am surprised that some people think that 12 year olds can be left alone all day with no care involved.
What about lunch and snacks? Entertainment? There is quite a lot involved or do 12 years these days prepare lunch for themselves now and no longer complain about being bored?
It would be just as rude to the grandparents if they had turned up only expecting to care for one younger kid but then having the twelve year old twins unexpectedly dumped on them as well because the parents wanted “to go out” (as per the SS’s mother). For older people they generally like to be prepared and know what they are dealing with. It’s respectful to give advance notice and ask if the changed care was OK.

The grandparents thought they were helping out two working parents. The SS was at his mother’s home during her time with him. It was a blind side.

I agree with this too - OP is not saying that DSS was not welcome nor that her parent’s wouldn’t have been happy to have looked after him/friend - the fact is they did, and didn’t make a fuss other than to check OP knew. It’s that they were not asked and he assumed they’d not mind - and no matter how great DSS/friend are, the OPs parent’s were forced to became responsible for them.

I feel like husband has taken advantage a bit
I disagree, he has not 'taken advantage a bit', no husband was taking the pi$$ like it's going out of fashion!!
And then tried to minimise it😡

This is totally unacceptable behaviour from your DH. If I was your mum I’d not be prepared to look after your DC another time at your house in case it happened again.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I completely agree with you- this is a manners issue, not a step child issue. For all we know, OP's mum might not mind watching all three of them (had she been politely asked).

If this is how some people treat those providing them with free childcare, I can see why they struggle to find willing volunteers

It’s not about him not being accepted into the household regardless, @bows101 - it’s about the fact that it is rude to ask someone to look after one child, and then to have someone else add two extra children, one of whom the baby sitter doesn’t know at all, without even the courtesy of asking them if they were OK with this!

It isn’t a step child issue - it is a manners issue.

Mr McBitey needs to meet our cat - (not so) affectionately nicknamed CatBastard, @SamBeckett - he used to be a very bitey bastard, and he used to pick on the dogs, despite him weighing 10 pounds, wringing wet, and them being great big dogs, and even now, as a senior statescat, he will still bite if he thinks you have stroked him too much or not enough, or it you try to gently unhook his claws from your clothes - hence the name.

He spends most of his time next to me on the couch - everything I knit or crochet comes with added cat fur - and if I am doing something else, he sits at the door of the front room and Sulks at me, until I get the message, and go and sit in the couch with him.

This is him, ‘helping’ me lay out a crochet blanket - aka get in the way because he wants me on the couch, making a fuss of him. The other picture is the two dogs, forced to share one bed, because CatBastard is on the couch, and neither of them dares get up there with him.

There's also a chance they could have taken DC out not knowing SS was coming. If he's not mature enough to be left alone would he have known what to do if he couldn't get in the house?

Have you actually asked your DH if he would have still told him to go round if the house was empty?