To ask him to take less responsibility

I think you really need to have a hard look at yourself. A husband who is actively involved in his kids, does housework without being even asked to (women across the globe dream of this!!) is very conscious of money and not leaving you short for things like food shops ect or anything you may want to do. He never has a go at you for not doing jobs round the house which in all honesty I would expect you to be able to do in a timely manner. You are punching with your husband and you need to start appreciating it rather than complaining about nothing.

Another one the kids were arguing about something the other day. He was trying to sort it out but got all stroppy with me when I took over because it wasn't the way I would normally deal with the kids. I'm at home with them more so they are used to the way I deal with things like that. By dealing with it differently it's not consistent for them.

and yet you accuse him of undermining you?

😂😂😂**

Serious question OP - he wants a clean bathroom, you're not cleaning it. Even without getting into a debate about duties and who should do what - what alternative does he have?

By sneaking off to do jobs without telling me because he thinks I'll get annoyed if he does them. Which is true because he is undermining my responsibilities at home

But you're not taking responsibility for your responsibilities. You're too busy meeting up with friends and attending classes. As everyone else has said, you sound like the controlling one who is undermining your DH. He sounds great to me. Just because you're a SAHM it doesn't mean you get to make all the decisions. That's not how a family/partnership works.

As for not being able to get a job that works around childcare, that's not true. Granted, they are few and far between but I've just managed to get one.

You're having a larf mate.

So you have a DH who likes to wind down by cleaning and this is causing problems for you because you need to justify yourself ?
It’s definitely a different complaint.

Sounds like there’s no real need for you to be a SAHM, you know it and every time DH picks up a duster you get uncomfortable. He’s telling you to go back to work too in case you hadn’t noticed. I doubt he thinks your heavy schedule of volunteering ,the class and lunches is the giant help you seem to think.
You would be more of a team if you were “ sacrificing” for him by taking some of the financial responsibility off his shoulders by earning.

Of course , I’m leaning towards this being fake because what the hell?

Oh OP you're making it worse 🤣

This must be a reverse or the op is bonkers.

I mean, if you’re not prioritising what you claim are your responsibilities and are instead prioritising yourself and your mates then of course you’re being unreasonable. Get your shit done first then there won’t be an issue will there.

Don't worry op, there will be more dishes and the bathroom will be used again soon .

You have control issues.

Or this is satire .

Two kids at school, no work to do, and you can't clean your bathroom?

You sound bonkers op, sorry. You chose to give up work for one thing. And complaining he gives you things from his own account, not the joint account? Eh? You don’t work, so where does the joint account money come from - him.. He sounds great and frankly you don’t know how lucky you are…! Wise up and shut up before he realises his wife is Never. Fkn. Happy!

I think you are being unreasonable and unfair.

If he is doing dishes and cleaning a bathroom - bloody great! Who cares if you 'usually' do it.

Surely he is allowed to take a role in childcare as well? They are his children!

Truthfully, to me, it sounds like you don't want to work, so you don't want him doing things in the home because that may give the impression you could work.

He's doing 'your' jobs because you're not, and instead prioritising the gym and friends, that is leisure time.

Be honest with yourself OP, you're having it good and you are worried he is going to throw it back at you one day. You're no sacrificing anything for him.

How about you meet your friends after you've done everything that is needed? And yes, doing dishes at night is reasonable, a bit disgusting to get up readi for work to be faced with the mess.

I want him to recognize my feelings and what I've done to help him

You chose to give up work so don't try and paint yourself as a martyr who made some massive sacrifice for her husband's career. He never asked you to leave and quite happily did half the childcare when you did work for a couple of years.

He sounds amazing and you sound ridiculous.

Send him to me then lol.

Jeez, he needs to LTB.

My mum was a traditional homemaker after we were all in school, OP. She volunteered, she lunched and had loads of friends and did hobbies, she had help in the home.

But she also organised myDPs’ extensive joint social life, did a lot of business entertaining for DF, supervised the extensive upkeep of the house, did a reasonable amount of cleaning herself and cooked divinely. She was the chief parent day to day but DF was fairly involved, especially considering his job. She always encouraged that

DF’s role in housework was limited to picking up after himself and taking care of the cars, but he did both of those well. DM would not have been pleased to be sent out to work, but the DPs clearly had a bargain and she lived up to her half beautifully.

I am sorry but the idea of coming down to breakfast and finding last night’s dishes nearly makes me queasy. It sets a bad tone for the day. Perhaps your DH feels the same way. Needs must at times and one copes, but that isn’t how you are making it sound in your household.

I don’t share my parents’ choices but I certainly respect them. When MumsNetters scorn homemaking I sometimes wonder if they realise how enriching it can be, when one is financially lucky enough to be able to do it in a decent style.

However it only works if both partners make a full and fully recognised contribution. I accept that you feel misunderstood but what you’ve described doesn’t sound like a true partnership

Parenting is a team effort but also doesn’t require consultation on every decision or action. Just because you are the primary parent while your husband is at work doesn’t mean you get to interfere with his parenting when he is around.

Most people would be glad that their partner was actively engaging with parenting their children and doing their fair share at home do you complaining about this is extremely hard for people to relate to or empathise with.

Being the stay at home parent doesn’t mean that the other parent relinquishes all parental, family and household responsibility. The fact you feel undermined by your husband being an active participant in your family life is an issue you need to address. He’s not doing anything wrong and I imagine is very confused by your frustration. Perhaps you need to reframe how you view things at home, if your job is staying home then those hours should match up to your husband’s work hours, anything outside those hours (evenings and weekends) should be shared equally. If you continue as you are you’re going to continue to build resentment towards your husband and he will feel the same towards you. It’s also not healthy modelling for your children to think that mum has to do everything even when dad is present and perfectly capable.

Highly strung much OP 🙄 your DH sounds lovely, you not so much.

Literally none of the excuses you have given are showing him doing anything wrong. You sound extremely controlling, they are his kids too, you don't own them.

Holy crap this is actually getting worse. You have an involved, active father and what you actually want is one the many many lazy, selfish man children who secretly want a 1950s wife. He's not treating his money as only his, he's offering to buy you things above the household account..what an arse!

As for the kids .yes ideally you are on the same page but realistically most parents have different ways of dealing with things, different levels of patience etc. Kids learn that X is ok with mummy but not daddy. It's a valuable life lesson actually about behaviour in different contexts. You jumping in and changing what he was doing is MASSIVELY undermining to him. I'd watch it op, or you might actually find yourself divorced, having to work and use childcare and only having 50/50..he doesn't sound like the kind of dad who'd be ok with minimal contact.

I can't believe this is true. Is so mind blowing unreasonable. I think you urgently need to either go back to work, lots of people manage around school runs and holidays, or get something else going on in your life. If your sense of self is so shook by your husband cleaning his own bathroom you really have big problems.

If this is real you sound horribly controlling and like you are the one undermining him, I can’t believe you took over with the kids when he was sorting it because he wasn’t doing it ‘your way.’ They are joint children, you are both parents and have no more claim over them than him just because you have nothing else going on in your life.