Page 2 | To ask him to take less responsibility

QueenOfMyOwnWorld · 2024-04-13T07:16:55+00:00

Me and husband have been together for about 15 years, married for 10. 2 children 8 and 6. Long story short since having kids I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I briefly returned to work for about a year a couple of years ago and we shared childcare responsibilities. Last year husband got offered a promotion. He wasn't sure whether to take it but I decided if he took it I would leave work again. We wouldn't need the money and the understanding was that I'd take responsibility of the childcare again. Anyway things have come to a head recently. He keeps trying to take over my responsibilities. Every night he tries to wash the dishes and tidy up, but this is a job I like to do in the morning. At the weekend I caught him cleaning the bathroom. I've told him it's undermining me and he's only doing it to make me look bad for not doing it while he's at work. He says he's just trying to help. Also he keeps questioning my decisions about the kids under the pretence that we need to act as a team. Since I quit my job the kids are all I have and I've done everything to help in his career, so the childcare is all I have left. He won't listen and accept that I've made sacrifices for him so he has to take a backseat with the parenting. His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work and that the most importantly thing in our marriage is working together. But this leaves me with nothing for me. Am I being unreasonable?

fieldsofbutterflies · 13/04/2024 17:44

I get more done than you in the hour between waking up and going to work in the mornings

Funfuninthesunsun · 13/04/2024 17:43

Each day I get up, get the kids ready for schools (one at infant school and one at junior) and take them. Normally do a class on the way home. By the time I'm back I do the washing up and hang washing out. Then lunch. By that time it's almost time to get them from school. After school is a mad rush between different schools, after school clubs and swimming lessons. Normally 4.30 by time we're home. Snack and drink for kids, then husband is home and time to make dinner. By evening I can't face doing more which is why I leave dishes until the next morning

Gosh, yes, you are very extremely busy. How exhausting. Poor love. Have you thought about booking a massage to relax. Use the joint account. 🙄

Shinyandnew1 · 13/04/2024 17:07

Having said that, I would be pretty annoyed if chores weren't getting done during the week because he was busy going to yoga and meeting his mates.And there's no way i would be leaving all decisions about our kids to him.

Absolutely this!

Cheshireflamingo · 13/04/2024 17:03

You are being ridiculous. I work and my husband stays at home. I will do some chores at the weekend because i don't see why i should get to relax all weekend while he does everything.

Having said that, I would be pretty annoyed if chores weren't getting done during the week because he was busy going to yoga and meeting his mates.

And there's no way i would be leaving all decisions about our kids to him.

BooBaas · 13/04/2024 16:52

This is absolutely bonkers 😝

StormingNorman · 13/04/2024 16:51

How long is lunch that it takes you an entire school day to do a load of washing up and hang out some washing? Do you grab a quick sandwich or do you go out every day to meet friends?

Just hung out a full load in about 5 minutes. Maybe closer to 10 as there were loads of socks in it 😂🙃😂

Shinyandnew1 · 13/04/2024 16:45

I left work because I can't stand the thought of the kids in childcare. They need their parents

I would get this if they were babies, but they’re at school! Even if they had to go to breakfast/after school club for a bit sometimes, they would still have parents??

You just sound like you don’t want to work and are justifying it by saying how busy and important you are, when you aren’t actually managing to keep on top of basic housework.

Anyway, it’s not us you need to convince, it’s your husband and he sounds increasingly unwilling to support this princess lifestyle! I presume you saying to him , ‘but all my friends say I’m right’ isn’t selling it to him 😂.

Shinyandnew1 · 13/04/2024 16:38

QueenOfMyOwnWorld · 13/04/2024 15:20

To answer some of the things that have been said.

No this isn't fake or a reverse. My friends agree with me so I know I'm not alone. They suggested I posted here.

I left work because I can't stand the thought of the kids in childcare. They need their parents not someone else to look after them. Now husband is the works manager at the factory he can't be flexible with hours so a lot rests on me.

I could go back to work but then I really wouldn't have time to do any of the other things.

Each day I get up, get the kids ready for schools (one at infant school and one at junior) and take them. Normally do a class on the way home. By the time I'm back I do the washing up and hang washing out. Then lunch. By that time it's almost time to get them from school. After school is a mad rush between different schools, after school clubs and swimming lessons. Normally 4.30 by time we're home. Snack and drink for kids, then husband is home and time to make dinner. By evening I can't face doing more which is why I leave dishes until the next morning.

Your friends all agree with you?! Yeah, course they do!!

If you stopped doing your morning ‘classes’ you’d have plenty of time to do the housework, clean the bathroom and maybe more energy to wash up after dinner.

Usually when couples make the decision for one person to stay at home full time, they have preschoolers and/or do all of the housework. They don’t fanny around doing lunches and classes and then not washing up!

I feel sorry for your husband. If I was out working full time so that my spouse could stay at home for 6 hours every day, I’d be pissed off if they wouldn’t even do basic housework!

Sirzy · 13/04/2024 16:20

The more you post the more you make yourself sound like a princess. Your day isn’t busy, nowhere near!

Catza · 13/04/2024 16:18

QueenOfMyOwnWorld · 13/04/2024 15:20

To answer some of the things that have been said.

No this isn't fake or a reverse. My friends agree with me so I know I'm not alone. They suggested I posted here.

I left work because I can't stand the thought of the kids in childcare. They need their parents not someone else to look after them. Now husband is the works manager at the factory he can't be flexible with hours so a lot rests on me.

I could go back to work but then I really wouldn't have time to do any of the other things.

Each day I get up, get the kids ready for schools (one at infant school and one at junior) and take them. Normally do a class on the way home. By the time I'm back I do the washing up and hang washing out. Then lunch. By that time it's almost time to get them from school. After school is a mad rush between different schools, after school clubs and swimming lessons. Normally 4.30 by time we're home. Snack and drink for kids, then husband is home and time to make dinner. By evening I can't face doing more which is why I leave dishes until the next morning.

So you can't face doing the dishes in the evening after your extremely busy day and you still complain that your husband does them? I fail to see the logic.
You left work because you can't bare the thought of chidren being looked after by someone else but they are both at school. So do you really only have time to make lunch and do a load of laundry for the entire day? Because most of us are able to do that while having a full time job.

BibbleandSqwauk · 13/04/2024 15:56

Ffs you do a class every day and complain that you're overloaded? Pathetically selfish. How long does it takes to "make lunch" for just you? I don't know who your friends are..maybe similar non working mothers whose husbands DON'T help at all? Do they pay for cleaners instead or do their husbands not care?

MrsCarson · 13/04/2024 15:32

If you really don't like him helping do housework when he's around because it makes you feel guilty, then go back to work, that way you can split the jobs between you.
If you are home and say these are your jobs to do, then do them. You can't leave things because the week has been busy, you have to make time for them if you consider this your full time job.

DoreenonTill8 · 13/04/2024 15:24

Gosh @QueenOfMyOwnWorld you really are aren't you?!
I don't know how you manage all of that... school runs, the laundry, meeting with friends and fun classes?! You should get on that blog #dontknowhowshedoesit !

Original poster

QueenOfMyOwnWorld · 13/04/2024 15:20

To answer some of the things that have been said.

No this isn't fake or a reverse. My friends agree with me so I know I'm not alone. They suggested I posted here.

I left work because I can't stand the thought of the kids in childcare. They need their parents not someone else to look after them. Now husband is the works manager at the factory he can't be flexible with hours so a lot rests on me.

I could go back to work but then I really wouldn't have time to do any of the other things.

Each day I get up, get the kids ready for schools (one at infant school and one at junior) and take them. Normally do a class on the way home. By the time I'm back I do the washing up and hang washing out. Then lunch. By that time it's almost time to get them from school. After school is a mad rush between different schools, after school clubs and swimming lessons. Normally 4.30 by time we're home. Snack and drink for kids, then husband is home and time to make dinner. By evening I can't face doing more which is why I leave dishes until the next morning.

OP posts:

DojaPhat · 13/04/2024 15:04

I reckon this is just the tip of the iceberg!! Does he offer to pay for you to have hair and nail appointments?

But if this is serious then OP, it seems you have a case of misplaced identity, in that, you feel as though if you're husband is defined by his job - you should be allowed to be 'mother' so that you remain visible and important in the eyes of others because if he can ostensibly 'do it all' then you're sort of unrequired, just sort of there in the background who no-one really knows what she does or is but is just 'there'. If that's your thinking then grab hold of a firm grip, take stock of your life and realise that you have a strong family, a good husband and figure out what makes you 'tick' and pursue it if you need to feel like you are 'someone.'

Some women take great pleasure in the fact that the extent of their responsibilities in life is to work out whether to buy or rent garden furniture for the outhouse this summer.

Silvers11 · 13/04/2024 14:23

This cannot be real. I call fake post

SlashBeef · 13/04/2024 14:10

I actually feel sorry for the husband for once!

SkyBloo · 13/04/2024 14:06

Did he actually agree with your decisions to stop work and stay home?

Yabvvu.

You sound like you are determined to justify your not working out of the home by clinging to a "need" for you at home that does not exist. He is just as entitled to participate in the tasks needed to run the household and handle things re the kids as you are - working out of the home doesn't diminish your responsibilities as a parent?! How do you think it works when both parents work?

OdeToBarney · 13/04/2024 13:54

Sorry OP but IF this is real, you're lazy and self-absorbed.

Clean the house etc and then see your mates and volunteer.

Your DH having to clean because you couldn't possibly fit it into your busy social life when you're "at home" 7 days a week (compared to his, presumably 2 days) is pretty shit.

savethatkitty · 13/04/2024 13:51

This is a piss take

GreatGateauxsby · 13/04/2024 13:49

I decided if he took it <the promotion> I would leave work again.

His response is always that he never asked or wanted me to leave work

he didn’t!!!

also all this “the children are all I have!!!” nonsense needs to stop. They’ll be off to uni in a few years.

i honestly think this has to be a reverse from a husband who isn’t giving the full picture.

greasypolemonkeyman · 13/04/2024 13:45

This gets worse and worse. It must be a reverse or something surely.

BooBaas · 13/04/2024 13:41

Fucking hell.

You have absolutely no idea how lucky you are.

Worried8263839 · 13/04/2024 13:22

This can't be genuine surely?!

PonyPatter44 · 13/04/2024 13:09

Why don't you just clean the bathroom before you go to your class? If you do it a couple of times a week, even with two kids it can't be that dirty. Same with the dishes - haven't you got a dishwasher? Just chuck everything in the dishwasher as you go, and then put it on overnight when you go to bed.

Is there something else going on, here though? It just seems a bit weird to be so emotionally invested in housecleaning when you aren't even doing it!