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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DC's first birthday party

38 replies

Squigglesy · 13/04/2024 02:15

DC's first birthday party is on Sunday. It was going to be a big party of 60 people of all our relatives. It's a cultural thing to throw a big bash for a first birthday party.

DH's uncle passed away today. He's been poorly for a while and my MIL (his sister) was his main carer and they lived together (both widowed). DH is not close to his uncle and thinks it's appropriate that we go ahead with the party (mostly because of how much money we'd lose).
We organised the party with the thinking that it was DC's first ever birthday party and didn't mind pushing the boat out.
The following are fully paid and we can't get refunded
Cake -£350
Favours- £300
Decor - £600
Venue and food - £500 deposit paid and would be paying £55 x 65 guests on the day (100% of that needs to be paid for late cancellation)

We are Muslim which means the funeral must be done asap. There is an effort for it to happen today (Saturday) but it might also happen on Sunday (day of the party).

I think it would be very unsympathetic to go ahead with the party. I think my MIL would be very hurt. We went to visit her today and she was understandably in pieces. All her siblings were there too as were DH's cousins. They're all also invited to the party but all assumed we've cancelled the party.

DH thinks we should go ahead with the party without his family (15 guests). I don't know how I'd look them in the eye if we went ahead with it. They're such a close knit family (except DH who isn't too bothered about them) AIBU to want to postpone/cancel?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
snowlady4 · 13/04/2024 18:07

Squigglesy · 13/04/2024 13:23

It looks like the funeral will be tomorrow.
I've cancelled it all. I feel much better for cancelling.

We'll probably have to distribute cake at some point. We were thinking of donating to a local shelter etc.

Thank you all for your responses

If it's sitting right with you, now you've made that decision, it's the right decision. Hope all goes well tomorrow, as well as these things can ever go.

Preggopreggo · 13/04/2024 13:52

YouveGotAFastCar · 13/04/2024 11:56

I’d take DH’s lead on this.

It sounds like you’ve got to pay for it anyway, and only 15 of the guests were from your DH’s family.

If he wants to go ahead, I’d go with it. Send a message to his family giving your condolences again; and saying that due to the proximity, you aren’t able to cancel the party but absolutely understand if they aren’t able to attend. Give them an out, and warning incase they see photos anywhere. And then ask your DH if he wants to pay tribute to his uncle anywhere during proceedings.

You're going to lose a fortune otherwise; for people that it doesn’t sound like your DH is close to, and it won’t be rescheduled. The timing is unfortunate but it’d be odd to cancel when the person affected doesn’t want to.

This

Original poster
Squigglesy · 13/04/2024 13:23

It looks like the funeral will be tomorrow.
I've cancelled it all. I feel much better for cancelling.

We'll probably have to distribute cake at some point. We were thinking of donating to a local shelter etc.

Thank you all for your responses

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 13/04/2024 12:56

You have to cancel or postpone out of respect. You can't buy Respet

crumblingschools · 13/04/2024 12:53

@KoolKookaburra birthday cakes can take many forms

Kitkat1523 · 13/04/2024 12:30

Postpone

snowlady4 · 13/04/2024 12:28

KoolKookaburra · 13/04/2024 11:10

You don't do it in the middle of the funeral. And yes I have seen the price of postage.

Show quote history

For goodness sake I don't literally mean in the middle of the actual funeral service. I mean in the 'middle,' of everything a family funeral entails, possibly hosting people, cleaning, ferrying people about etc.. I would think dividing up a cake and posting it to various places would be a hassle that's all!
The op was only asking for opinions on what's best to do in the circumstances!

YouveGotAFastCar · 13/04/2024 11:56

I’d take DH’s lead on this.

It sounds like you’ve got to pay for it anyway, and only 15 of the guests were from your DH’s family.

If he wants to go ahead, I’d go with it. Send a message to his family giving your condolences again; and saying that due to the proximity, you aren’t able to cancel the party but absolutely understand if they aren’t able to attend. Give them an out, and warning incase they see photos anywhere. And then ask your DH if he wants to pay tribute to his uncle anywhere during proceedings.

You're going to lose a fortune otherwise; for people that it doesn’t sound like your DH is close to, and it won’t be rescheduled. The timing is unfortunate but it’d be odd to cancel when the person affected doesn’t want to.

KoolKookaburra · 13/04/2024 11:50

crumblingschools · 13/04/2024 11:11

@KoolKookaburra do you know what the cake is?

Yes a birthday cake

crumblingschools · 13/04/2024 11:11

@KoolKookaburra do you know what the cake is?

KoolKookaburra · 13/04/2024 11:10

snowlady4 · 13/04/2024 11:06

It was just a suggestion!
It can be done! The cake might not be enormous! She might have a chest freezer.
Putting slices of cake in the post seems a bit much to me. Have you seen the price of postage apart from the effort it would require in the middle of a funeral!

Show quote history

You don't do it in the middle of the funeral. And yes I have seen the price of postage.

KoolKookaburra · 13/04/2024 11:10

crumblingschools · 13/04/2024 11:08

If the cake won’t keep, I can’t imagine it will post well either

Yes it will

Lovemusic82 · 13/04/2024 11:09

I’m going to go against what most people are saying and say “go ahead with the party”, your family can attend and it will still be special for your DC. It’s your DH’s decision if he wants to attend the funeral or not. you will lose a lot of money if you cancel, the cake won’t keep and I’m guessing people have made arrangements to attend? The cakes probably already made so you won’t get your money back.

crumblingschools · 13/04/2024 11:08

If the cake won’t keep, I can’t imagine it will post well either

snowlady4 · 13/04/2024 11:06

KoolKookaburra · 13/04/2024 11:02

How is she going to freeze a massive cake?

Much better to just accept the cake.let little one see the cake and then cut it up and mail it out

Show quote history

It was just a suggestion!
It can be done! The cake might not be enormous! She might have a chest freezer.
Putting slices of cake in the post seems a bit much to me. Have you seen the price of postage apart from the effort it would require in the middle of a funeral!

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/04/2024 11:04

KoolKookaburra · Today 10:46
A cake won't "keep" what is everyone on about the family will be mourning for some period”

Some cakes keep for years.

KoolKookaburra · 13/04/2024 11:02

snowlady4 · 13/04/2024 10:59

I'm sure you can freeze cake?
Or get them to do a plain cake instead of a birthday cake. Serve it with tea after the funeral.

Show quote history

How is she going to freeze a massive cake?

Much better to just accept the cake.let little one see the cake and then cut it up and mail it out

snowlady4 · 13/04/2024 10:59

KoolKookaburra · 13/04/2024 10:46

A cake won't "keep" what is everyone on about the family will be mourning for some period

I'm sure you can freeze cake?
Or get them to do a plain cake instead of a birthday cake. Serve it with tea after the funeral.

snowlady4 · 13/04/2024 10:57

How very sad.
I would postpone. You can't have a birthday celebration and funeral on the same day in the same family can you?
Could you use the party food caterers for the funeral at all? Obviously not a birthday cake but if you explain what's happened, I'm sure they'd accomodate you in some way. You will need to feed people at the funeral presumably?- snd I'm sure they'd rather have your business- and return business when the birthday party or another family function does go ahead.

crumblingschools · 13/04/2024 10:57

Surely it depends what the cake is made of whether it will keep or not. Tradition in England was to keep the top tier of the wedding cake for first Christening. So if fruit cake will probably be okay. Fresh cream sponge, not so.

I am sorry for your loss

SingleDoubleWhippedClotted · 13/04/2024 10:56

If 50 of the 65 guests are DH's side of the family then you should cancel. If it was the other way around I might go ahead depending on how they felt.

Doseofreality · 13/04/2024 10:55

Apologies if this sounds really crass but, if the funeral is to be held on Sunday, could there be some sort of gathering afterwards at the venue you booked?

mitogoshi · 13/04/2024 10:55

I think it's partly down to what your mil wants, she may say go ahead without me, or may be offended if you don't cancel.

Whichever way it goes I would take this as a lesson nobody needs decor or favours, if you hold a party in the future keep your spending on the non essentials in check (the cake price is normal for a large cake!)

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2024 10:54

It’s his family, I think it’s his decision. Why wasn’t he close to his uncle who lived with his mother? Is there complicated history behind his feelings?

3luckystars · 13/04/2024 10:53

Sorry if this is insensitive but could you use the hotel booking for the funeral lunch? If it’s paid for already. Then have the birthday at a later date.

Sorry for your loss.