Autistic Son roaming the streets at night. WWYD?

There is something about the darkness and night atmosphere for them.

He may well struggle to get himself out of a dangerous situation but it sounds like he's aware of that risk and is happy to take it. If he has capacity to make the decision to take the risk, you have absolutely no power to stop him and shouldn't be trying just because he has autism. An adult choosing to climb Everest is at extremely high risk of dying, however well equipped they are, but they are allowed to take that risk. And so is your son. He clearly gets a huge benefit from doing his night time walks and that, for him, makes it worth the risk. You've done that you can to help him mitigate those risks. It's extremely restrictive and invasive to put a tracker on him - it's very worrying that you thought it was ok to do that covertly! If a health or social care professional did that, they would be investigated for safeguarding!!!!

I understand OP, my daughter had a phase where she would do the same and also take night buses (London), I was very worried.
I always made sure she had a full bank charger with her. Had to make sure I replied to any messages promptly too.

She is now agoraphobic and does not leave the house.

I don’t know which one is worst.

Put him in a home ..you will be lucky ..I've begged and begged for assisted living or sheltered housing ..for my 6 foot autistic 25 year old son
I did resort to locking the doors at one point ,to keep him in ..but I felt the situation justified it at the time .
It is a nightmare,I totally sympathise,our situation is made worse by the fact our son will not wear his glasses,so he can't see at all

Worrying about him won’t make him safe so I’d let him have a key or leave one hidden and get to bed yourself.
It may be easier to ask for permission for a dog now legally - I’d try asking again.

OP you sound like a lovely caring mum but YABU. I am not ND and I do have some friends, but I also like to walk at night, it's cool and calm and sometimes that's just when I'm available. I'm a woman as well, and still I don't worry. There are risks to everything in life.

There is nothing wrong with walking at any time of day and adults are allowed to do that. It's a perfectly normal, legal activity. In fact I often see many others doing the same thing when I'm out.

That must be really worrying.
You mentioned he struggles to weigh up consequences - can he understand that if I do X then X might happen? That's a big part of having capacity..
Could he be involved in possible solutions - you both write down the problem / why it makes you worried and also from his point of view why he needs to go on the walks - can you both think of as many ideas as possible that might help/alternatives - he can cross out any silly ones / impossible ones / ones he absolutely hates - see what you're left with and then rank them to try out?
You have probably already tried that
I don't think social services would judge you in anyway if you sought some advice I think this is something they'll be very used to

Why don’t you see if he would set his alarm early and go out in the dark in the morning. Say 5 am I always feel that all the scary people will be in bed by then so it feels safer somehow 😂

I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) and I used to do this - I just couldn't stand sitting around at home and needed to move - I used to walk miles and miles. Looking back I was very vulnerable, but I am a 5ft 6in woman, not a 6ft 4in man! I don't have any advice, but I did need to be out, it was really important for my mental health - I wonder if you can come up with a safer alternative (the gym, or something else active). I ended up working in bars and restaurants, which worked well for me, but I can see your ds probably wouldn't like this as it involves noise and people.

One of my good friends likes to take her dogs for a walk at 3am. In a park that is so dodgy I don’t like to walk round it during day time. As a lone female. The dogs are small yappy things. Not even big intimidating dogs. No amount of telling her not to helps.
He’s an adult. I think you have to let him make his own mistakes

I really sympathise as I can feel your worry, but - with kindness (and as the parent of an autistic son, albeit a younger one) - I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. It sounds like he’s taken quite a logical approach here: I want to walk, I can’t do it during the day, I’ll go at night. I doubt you’re going to change his mind on this.

Instead: can you work on risk management with him?

Agreed route, GPS tracking (which you agree not to check unless there are genuine reasons to think he’s come to harm), carrying his contact details clearly (you can get cards from the police in my area. My son has one to show them if he is stopped), key safe outside house, etc.

Separately, could you encourage him to join a local walking group so that he can go out during the day as well and feel safe? Or would he try orienteering? Orienteering clubs are generally friendly and welcoming and there is a large proportion of ND members.

I don’t think a key safe helps all that much. It wouldn’t prevent him leaving the key in the door. Key around his neck sounds better. Ideally you’d have a key coded door lock, but I don’t know how much they cost or whether the landlord would agree.

Does he care that you’re worried and finding this upsetting? I don’t think a tracker is unreasonable. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to answer the odd call. Does he know that he’s keeping you up late at night?

He’s also got learning disabilities and is very vulnerable. As you know autism is a huge spectrum and just because you did something, it doesn’t mean someone else can.

I can totally get where he’s coming from in terms of the calm of night etc and he’s clearly doing nothing wrong but I understand your concern OP and don’t have any answers I’m afraid.

What if he went put at 5 or 6am jist as sun beginning to rise? At least it wouldn't be as dark etc and would get lovely photos

This is exactly what went through my mind when I read that post. Word for word.

With kindness he has capacity, wants to be independent and do something he enjoys and finds beneficial to him. I don’t think you should try and stop him. You can do some keep safe work with him though about what to do in tricky situations, to better prepare him.

You answered your own question in your op. You have anxiety. That is your problem to deal with not his

FFS, he's 21, as you say not doing anything wrong and doin things that calm him.

Your behaviour is more concerning to be honest. Controlling of an adult no less.

I am autistic and at 20 was living abroad. Autistic doesn't mean incompetent

Stop stalking him and let him live his life. A small amount of risk is healthy.

My daughter with ASD walks around the house at night. She also likes the calm of night time but doesn't like going outside the house so walks around inside. (That has a different set of parenting challenges but at least I know where she is).

Obviously a tracker would be good but if he won't accept that then how about these ideas:

• a set route so you would know where to look for him if you needed to.
• an agreement that he checks in by text/whstsapp every hour/ half hour so you know he's ok.
• would an air tag or similar be more acceptable than a tracker on his phone? He could just take it with him for night walks.

We have a key safe so there's always access to a key at home.

My DD is a bit younger but the young adult years are looming and are already a bit of a worry.

I understand. I had a similar issue with DS3 going for walks in the evening/ night along a local leisure path to listen to music to help his anxiety /restlessness, he had no idea that he could be perceived as lurking suspiciously by other people, especially as we'd had incidents of a dodgy character deliberately intimidating women in the area ( thankfully now locked up !).
Sadly me warning him about not accidentally intimidating people put him off!
Would he go out during daytime if he had a "cover". We have more than one person locally who does volunteer litter picking in the countryside around us to keep busy/ get fresh air. If he had a litter picker and a fluorescent vest he'd look like he had a " legit" positive reason to be out and about, not as good as a dog but could help him be perceived more positively, especially if he could be persuaded not to wear a black hoody!
We live in a village so sorry of this seems a daft idea for your area.

I can understand that you want to keep him safe but he would probably be more vulnerable out clubbing. Please don't put a tracker on him, unless he is deemed not to have capacity it's completely illegal and a deprivation of his liberty. I think a dog might be ideal but if you put a tracker on the dog you would still be tracking him by proxy which is wrong.
Would a Keysafe work so you don't have to leave a key under he mat. Key on a string round the neck used to work a treat for me when I went out drinking when I was younger I could always get in the house.

It's so difficult as your child with ASC grows up. I'm ND myself and cringe now looking back at some decisions I made and things I did, I just didn't have the awareness that NT people would so I didn't realize the potential dangers. Now, as a parent myself, I tell my DC that it's other people's behaviour that I'm worried about, so they don't feel infantilized when I worry about certain things like this.

🙄Seriously! You have no idea what it’s like parenting a vulnerable autistic young person. They fall through the cracks and attitudes like this is one of the reasons why. It s not anxiety or catastrophising speaking its parenting, safeguarding and caring in extremely challenging circumstances.

I would be worried but don’t think you can stop him. Would he be interested in having a smartwatch like an Apple Watch or Garmin? They have trackers on them that could connect to your phone sometimes. I think they also have emergency settings where it detects if something is wrong and lets emergency contacts know. If he likes technology that could appeal.

This is a tough one op and I do understand as I also have a 21 year old ds with autism who is a big lad and I never stop worrying about him too.

my ds often goes for walks but at a much earlier time and for fitness reasons mainly but I just ask him to check in with me periodically by text which he always does. My ds does have a large group of brilliant friends who are all lovely and ds tends to look after them on nights out as he doesn’t drink.

I do still worry about him all the time though as he tends to see the good in everyone and recently lent a girl he knows money (£75) who then ghosted him.

does he have any hobbies at all or any contact with people his own age?

agree a dog would be good for him but appreciate its not that simple.