Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

I haven't voted but think you should stay out of the middle of this one and either ignore your father's explosions or change the subject.

This. Grey Rock. They can't moan at you and yet refuse to change a situation that you are not responsible for.

Cut out playing the 'middle man' role - tell both your brother and sil what your father has said to you. Decline to make it your problem.

Are you worried they will leave the house to your brother?

How you feel is completely normal and understandable in this situation. It sounds like your parents have a golden child, your brother and a scapegoat, you. How your parents treat you is not ok, its not a normal loving relationship between you and them. Its hard and harmful to go through. There's a long running thread in relationships called "but we took you to stately homes", which is for people who's family have scapegoated them. You might find it helpful.

It's the pleading poverty that's eye rolling and upsetting if you let it be . The generosity only applies to golden balls as well.

I was reading your posts and suspected that what you have now written was the case. Are you Indian family?
It reminds me of my own family, where the one son has been hugely favoured by the Asian parent and the other parent has just gone along with it, although ours is definitely less extreme.
Your parents and brother have been incredibly unfair to you and it is completely normal and understandable that you feel resentful. As someone else said, your brother is the golden child and you are the scapegoat in this situation. Have a look at children of narcissistic parents and perhaps consider some counselling. It could be really useful for you as it would help to establish boundaries for 10/20 years hence when your parents need care and assistance. Please, please don't get involved with the care when you have been scapegoated and sidelined and your brother given the world. Referring back to my own situation, I have already decided that my brother will need to take very much the lead role when my parents need assistance. This is only fair and appropriate given the relationship breakdowns caused by the favouritism and lack of interest in other children and grandchildren.

Re care, my experience of this is that the council know how this works and that the daughter-in-law won’t provide intimate care for a non blood related family member. Then they send in carers to do it so the old person can stay in the family unit which is cheaper than the nursing care route.
It’s a sweet deal for these sons/daughter-in-laws.

Bear in mind that you don't have to attend any such meeting, and you can tell your brother 'no, that's not happening'. Start practising saying no if you aren't used to it.

@Bluesky91 yes it’s very hard indeed and you’re right to worry that the care responsibilities will fall to you given their “pick and mix” approach to tradition. Your experience is not at all unusual sadly.

I would therefore change my response to them all to be a lighthearted “it’s pre-payment for the care you’ll give when the parents are old” joke to your DB/SIL or “At least you’ll have the best of care from DB/SIL in return for your support now” to your parents. Make it clear now that this will have nothing to do with you but wake them up a bit. Your parents are delusional if they think this guarantees a nice old age.

No but the OP had said that there is no way they would go into care. So taking that at face value, that's why I posted.

They will clearly sacrifice themselves into poverty

I don't think it is fair to call someone a miser when he is providing a free home and food for 2 adults and a child. That seems pretty generous to me.

Do you brother and SIL have no self-respect?

Ah they have significant private pensions, probably loads in the bank as well as the house. Your dad is playing the old age misers trick. It's so common when people age. My husband pulls that moan with regular monotony, both I and our children rib him that he'd better sell his boat in the marina then. That shuts him up.

You're parents are not skint so stop worrying. My SIL is Indian she was told that properties back home would be hers when her father died. Well he did suddenly very young. Her brother and uncles ensured that she got nothing. She tried as a solicitor herself to get hold of the will, no luck. The embassy colluded with the men in her family and her mother. She gave up in the end

@Bluesky91 my advice go live your best life you're not going to see a penny.

You will never change this situation. You are aware of that. It is a cultural norm and your parents are traditionalists.

You have a couple of choices:

Speak to your brother privately and tell him that your Father is worried about money. Guage his reaction.
Mention that you expect that he too will do the culturally accepted thing and take care of them in their dotage. Guage his reaction.

Learn to accept it and rationalise it by the caring aspect. Under no circumstances become their carer. I would move away first before I would let that happen.

I would hazard a guess that even your DB’s and SIL’s income combined is more than your parents combined pensions.

DB and SIL need to pay their fair share of the household expenses

You parents are facilitating the situation. I would message DB and DSI saying your parent's finances aren't sufficient to run the household and DF is worrying so they need to start to pay their fair share.

This. I completely understand your frustration, OP, and your resentment about the very unfair way you're being treated. In your shoes, I would explain how you feel to your parents and your brother, perhaps in a letter if you suspect things would get too heated. I would also explain to your father that it's not okay that he offloads onto you, then gets angry when you point out the obvious.

If you don't get any acknowledgement of your feelings about this, then I would reduce contact with all of them, for your own sake. You can't force people to change, but equally you're not obliged to stick around in the whole damn mess.

Parents could say now is time to downsize. Give your brother notice to move.
Or give a five year plan.

If they feel an obligation perhaps help out with a deposit for house for your brother, from sale proceeds.

Also if he is not spending anything, should have sizeable savings-you would hope.

Nice nest egg for you too.
If you give to one, then you must give to the other.

As a pensioner hope to spend our money, as we have earned it. Helped our kids out.

I just don’t understand why you don’t speak to your brother in a nice way and tell him your dad is worrying about money so maybe he should insist that he contributes to the rent or bills a bit more. That seems like an obvious solution!

Wait for the brothers next trick, he will offer to buy a more affordable 1 bed flat for the parents to move into and he will keep the house 🙄

My parents were exactly the same. In fact the whole family is like this with their sons. Nit sure if it’s a cultural thing or an age thing tbh.

I’m assuming they intend to leave the house to your db so why would they suggest he move out.