Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

Having read some more of this you do sound really resentful of DB. And I quite get that.

My parents financed DB2 to completely rebuild his home so he wouldn't have to move. A few years later after DB3's 3rd divorce my mom bought him a house. DB1 is a wealthy business person has never needed anything from them. I've been struggling in low paying jobs and my parents gave me a small amount towards a deposit on a house. Difference between what DB2 & DB3 have got and DB1 & me is nearly £200k. And now that my mom is nearly out of money to pay for care there's talk about how we "all" have to kick in to help pay for this. Well no, frankly. DB2&3 can pay for the next £400k before I feel I need to put in a penny. Oh and DB3 is being paid £1500 a month, tax free, to live in mom's house while she lives in a care home. Yes I'm resentful.

I don't actually see anything wrong with their living setup, if it works for them. However, the elephant in the room is the not paying their share.

I would have thought that the parents' contribution should largely be in providing the paid-for home for them all, with their DS and DIL picking up most of the regular running/living expenses for all of them in return.

I agree with others that there's no question other than that the house will be going straight to him on the parents' deaths. It won't be treated as an inheritance, because it's already 'his family home', so he 'can't be kicked out of it'. If anything, upon inheriting it, I wouldn't put it past him still complaining about having to pay the bills for such a large house that he got free, including getting his sister's half as well.

It obviously serves the family narrative well to paint him as perpetually poor, when he's not even struggling but must be very well off, with huge savings. Teachers really do earn their money in a horrible, thankless job, but they don't have a bad income at all.

A teachers salary isn't so small that it's impossible to live independently on! I know many teachers with children and none live with their parents because they will struggle to cope.
Parents helping adult children is understandable but it's odd that your parents seem to pay for everything for your brother and his family

We have something similar-ish with my inlaws. It stems really from my MIL's identity being fully wrapped up with being a mum. She has struggled to transition to a parent of adult children. My DH grew up, moved away, got a career. His brother funked out of uni and has lived at home ever since. Happy to be mothered and his mum is happy to oblige. It's a very co-dependent relationship.

Ultimately we've moved away as it was just too upsetting to have our noses rubbed in it all the time. DH has accepted that most things will be left to his brother after his parents pass. They have made their beds and the consequences are theirs alone. This has been very freeing but has taken several years to get there.

What gives you this impression? I haven't seen any suggestion that this her expectation at all. She's been working full time for years in a demanding job, living independently with her DH and DC and paying her own bills.

I don't think that was what was meant at all.

I read it that it was indeed ruing the stark contrast between being a dependent child going to school (as a pupil) and a grown-up adult going to school (as a teacher) - i.e. both spend their day in the same place, but that's the only thing that's meant to be the same within the two vastly different roles.

I was wondering the same. What would actually help you@Bluesky91? Is there something useful that you could take away from other peoples' opinions?

To say parents have 2 pensions is to tell us nothing. 2 state pensions? So about £20k a year total? 2 occupational pensions from high roller jobs in the city? So £100k plus their SPs?

That said B&SiL should be paying rent and helping around the house. SiL should pull her finger out and tell off her OH for being a lazy git. I've no problem if they want to share accommodation but if mom is doing all the cooking that's not really fair on her. DB could cook on the weekends after doing a decent shop for the household. And they could be paying half or even 3/5s of the bills given there's 3 of them.

Perhaps they think your husband's family should support you now @Bluesky91

What do you want from this thread op?

Are your SIL’s parents still around?

What will happen if/when they need care? Shes more likely to want to care for her own parents than her in laws

Would you distance yourself because of how unfairly they treat you as adults?

This is not a pension problem.
This is not even a lazy, entitled DB problem.

This is a parent problem.

i’m sorry op that you parents treat you so unfairly. It wouldn’t surprise me in this situation if your DB ends up inheriting the entire house either.

Have your parents ever acknowledged how unfairly they treat their children (you and your DB)??

Did they always favour him, even when you were children?

This must be so painful for you.

It is super-toxic.

The sheer audacity and lack of self awareness or care for you, for your DF to bankroll his son and not you, then complain to you about his lack of funds, would be enough to make me seriously distance myself from them and tell them how unfair they have been.

It is great that they are all benefiting from multi generational living socially. Helping with childcare, seeing their grandson every day etc and that they are all happy with this arrangement.
What is not good is that your DB & SIL are not contributing financially.
Could you have a quiet word with them that your Dad is worried about money but won't say anything?
Do you think that would be a wake up call for them?
An alternative way would be to sell the 5 bed house and buy a pair of New Build semis ( from a reputable builder ) using the proceeds and some of your DB savings.
They could then have a combined garden and benefits of multi generation living. But their own bills and privacy. There would also be starting a clean sheet in terms of maintainance, no new kitchens, bathrooms, roof repairs etc needed as your parents get older.
If you go with a good builder with good insulation even the combined heating bills etc could be less than heating a big house.

Yep, l can imagine your brother will want it both ways. I would just remind him that’s he’s been freeloading off them for years so it’s him and his wife doing the caring responsibilities for your parents. Dig your heels in and remind him you’ve akways stood on your own two feet

There are two separate issues here.

One is the set up between your parents and your brother. Ultimately your parents are choosing this and your brother is happy to live off them. Maybe he doesn’t know that their money isn’t reaching as far these days - I would make that clear to him then step away. Once everyone is in possession of the facts they can make their bed and lie in it. You need to grey rock them after that and comments about lack of funds should be met with a neutral response.

The other issue is the disparity between how you were treated compared to your brother. You’ve clearly been left to struggle at times when your brother has been handed everything on a plate, and that would stick in my craw too. But on the flip side, what you have is yours through your/your DH’s hard work. Take pride in that and hold your head high. Look at where you are compared to your freeloading coddled brother!

You now need to think about how you manage your family relationships in future. You aren’t going to change them, or the past. Let them get on with their choices and rise above comments about their financial situation. Life your life knowing that you are free of the expectations they have of your brother to always be shackled to them, whether he wants it or not - let’s face it, there’s not much self respect in his situation. And think about having a response ready to go when/if there is ever a point raised about you being involved more when it suits them, in order to shut that down from the outset.

So your parents funding their lifestyle etc?
That's bonkers.

What would happen if you pointed this out to your parents? TBH though with their cultural views I’m not sure you will change them.

I would be telling them now though that you won’t be their carer.

I agree with you OP. Your brother is a free loader and to my mind he’s using his four year old as a means to keep this lifestyle going.
But there’s nothing YOU can do to change your dad’s mind. He has to realise this himself..
Next time your dad complains to you about having no money tell him you don’t want to know, he knows where the problem lies, two fully grown adults of working age are sponging off two pensioners. So what is HE going to do about it?

This. You need to not get drawn into these sorts of discussions. Your parents have enough to plan for their own elderly care and they should be doing that now. But they're not, and that's their choice. and choices have consequences.

Also, if your father ever moans again about not having enough money, you need to learn to 'grey rock'. Look up grey rock techniques and use these to not get drawn into those conversations. It's outrageous that Your brother gets to live off your parents while you have the pleasure of having to listen to your dad venting about the situation. No way. Get angry. If your dad doesn't want your opinion on the situation, he needs to not complain to you.

I second the comment made by EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness, this sounds like a typical Golden Child/Scapegoat scenario.

Your Dad may increasingly find opportunities to provoke you into responding, to try to get you to bad mouth your brother. Don't get involved, and brace yourself for the future. You may be written out of the will, or be left some insulting token.