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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

394 replies

Bluesky91 · 12/04/2024 22:04

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

OP posts:
Pipkin1234 · 14/04/2024 18:11

If your brother is a teacher and has been for a while, he's not a huge earner but he earns a comfortable wage. I've been teaching 13 years and am on £46,525. I'm not in London or the fringe, and if I was, I'd get more. Annoying as it is, men are in demand in teaching as there's less of them so he could easily progress and earn more. Minimum wage and child benefit will amount probably to another £20k. They are not on the breadline.
They are spongers and taking advantage. I'd have to say something to my brother.
What's happening with the house in your parents' will? I'm assuming it will be left entirely to your brother and his wife??
Where does that leave you?

JudgeJ · 14/04/2024 18:08

I am aware that the house + significant private pensions will go to my brother.

Surely private pensions will die with them eventually, I believe it's only a surviving spouse who can claim a percentage after the pensioner's death.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 14/04/2024 17:59

Your B & SIL are spongers. And your parents enable them. There’s not a lot you can do about it. It has nothing to do with you. Tell your Dad that.

Mimimimi1234 · 14/04/2024 17:55

Bluesky91 · 12/04/2024 22:17

I really hope they (DB and SIL) look after my parents later.
DB doesn’t lift a finger. Dinner is usually ready by the time they get home. DN is brought home from school, shower etc done by the time SIL arrives. They get a cleaner thrice a week. So, cleaning laundry, ironing etc are all done too. SIL helps with bring groceries and other bits, but doesn’t pay for them. She also helps out a bit at home, but DB doesn’t lift a finger even during holidays. My dad thinks DB works really hard. He has a long commute, but I wfh. Seriously, I don’t get it, is my dad jealous ?

Wow, your brother and sisyer in law are living the life of luxury in a house thry could never afford with a live in maid, chef, nanny service and no bills. Thats insane.

Pipsquiggle · 14/04/2024 14:05

Bluesky91 · 14/04/2024 09:01

I am not speaking to my DB today. As someone rightly said, DB will throw everything at me to keep the lifestyle. I feel my parents are in a way scared of saying anything to DB. He was a difficult child growing up. Getting into wrong company, troubles etc. I think they are just grateful he is on a “good” path with a partner who is very subservient.

He refers to my parents house and car as “mine”. So things have already gone too far while I was busy with the grind of life.

For example: “let’s watch football at my house”
“Let’s go in my car”

@Bluesky91
I don't blame you for not doing it today but I do think a chat needs to be had at some point otherwise you're just kicking it into the long grass.

If you don't say anything, I bet he will still get in touch with you if your parents need any care.

Nanaof1 · 14/04/2024 10:44

Bluesky91 · 14/04/2024 09:01

I am not speaking to my DB today. As someone rightly said, DB will throw everything at me to keep the lifestyle. I feel my parents are in a way scared of saying anything to DB. He was a difficult child growing up. Getting into wrong company, troubles etc. I think they are just grateful he is on a “good” path with a partner who is very subservient.

He refers to my parents house and car as “mine”. So things have already gone too far while I was busy with the grind of life.

For example: “let’s watch football at my house”
“Let’s go in my car”

He sounds like an immature grifter. I hope you and your OH step away and go low contact. You both deserve much better than what you get from each of your parents.

Takenoprisoner · 14/04/2024 10:44

whowhatwerewhy · 14/04/2024 09:09

I understand why you won't speak to your DB . I would now take a huge step back. If your DDad brings up money worries again simply shut the conversation down " oh I'm sorry that two pensions and two wages don't stretch far enough, maybe adjust your budget " " yes me and DH have had to look at our budget too , but at least you have four sources of income "

@Bluesky91 this is a good example of grey rocking, it's basically responding without really engaging or getting drawn in. It's being sympathetic while letting them know this is not your problem to solve.

Nanaof1 · 14/04/2024 10:41

Bluesky91 · 13/04/2024 17:59

I’m beginning to realise DH and me have been super dumb all this while. Both sets of parents ring us when they need “help”. My parents won’t ask unless they are desperate (they just manage on their own) They are afraid of making DB look bad. Inlaws ring DH for help with everything.

What exactly do we do that makes them think we’ll look after them while they look after their other children? I wonder why in-laws don’t ring SIL when they need anything?

That is one of the things that needs to change. Tell BOTH sets of parents the honest to goodness truth. That you have not taken any money from them, so it is not right nor fair that they expect you to help them whenever they want. Inform them that you are off the list and since they have been so generous to the daughter and son of the respective parents, they need to go to them for help, as you both feel that people need to make it on their own, as you both have done.

You owe them nothing, nada, zilch. You only owe each other and your family unit the best.

Chatonette · 14/04/2024 09:29

whowhatwerewhy · 14/04/2024 09:09

I understand why you won't speak to your DB . I would now take a huge step back. If your DDad brings up money worries again simply shut the conversation down " oh I'm sorry that two pensions and two wages don't stretch far enough, maybe adjust your budget " " yes me and DH have had to look at our budget too , but at least you have four sources of income "

This 💯

whowhatwerewhy · 14/04/2024 09:09

I understand why you won't speak to your DB . I would now take a huge step back. If your DDad brings up money worries again simply shut the conversation down " oh I'm sorry that two pensions and two wages don't stretch far enough, maybe adjust your budget " " yes me and DH have had to look at our budget too , but at least you have four sources of income "

Takeoutyourhen · 14/04/2024 09:09

Bluesky91 · 14/04/2024 09:01

I am not speaking to my DB today. As someone rightly said, DB will throw everything at me to keep the lifestyle. I feel my parents are in a way scared of saying anything to DB. He was a difficult child growing up. Getting into wrong company, troubles etc. I think they are just grateful he is on a “good” path with a partner who is very subservient.

He refers to my parents house and car as “mine”. So things have already gone too far while I was busy with the grind of life.

For example: “let’s watch football at my house”
“Let’s go in my car”

I think that might be the most sensible decision and for self-preservation.
I’ve decided the same course of action for the similar event going on in my own family.
You have got to do what is right for you. 💐

Nanaof1 · 14/04/2024 09:05

Gwenhwyfar · 13/04/2024 09:16

Well, yes, but as you say yourself, they don't need this.
If they lived close to your parents, they'd still get the free childcare.

Show quote history

What she is saying is that her parents and her NAADB feel that is what he is entitled to have So, to them, It's what they need, and they have dear mommy and daddy's support. If they had real bills, they would have to be responsible adults, and that will just not do!

Original poster
Bluesky91 · 14/04/2024 09:01

I am not speaking to my DB today. As someone rightly said, DB will throw everything at me to keep the lifestyle. I feel my parents are in a way scared of saying anything to DB. He was a difficult child growing up. Getting into wrong company, troubles etc. I think they are just grateful he is on a “good” path with a partner who is very subservient.

He refers to my parents house and car as “mine”. So things have already gone too far while I was busy with the grind of life.

For example: “let’s watch football at my house”
“Let’s go in my car”

OP posts:
Itsallok · 14/04/2024 01:34

Shut down your Dad any time he tries to talk about it with a clear message - talk to my brother not me. He's the one on the take. And despite your nice comments, so if you SIL. Entitled fuckers. But essentially, your parents have enabled this and if it is causing them drama, that's one them

You don't need to say anything about caring into the future - just know you 'do it. End of.

justasking111 · 13/04/2024 22:04

ssd · 13/04/2024 20:38

I agree @DriftingDora . The brother and his wife aren't going to suddenly develop a conscience and put themselves out to care for the ops parents. They will suddenly find enough money to move somewhere miles away from the elderly parents who now expect the op to drop everything for them.

I really hope she doesn't.

Thinking @Bluesky91 had better move away first.

Wafflesandcrepes · 13/04/2024 21:10

i think it must be a thing. PIL here constantly driving up and down the country to help our SIL and BIL. Constant tearful commentary “poor them” “they’ve got nothing” (they have!) I’m just glad I live independently and have my weekends to myself. Life is too short!!!

ssd · 13/04/2024 20:38

I agree @DriftingDora . The brother and his wife aren't going to suddenly develop a conscience and put themselves out to care for the ops parents. They will suddenly find enough money to move somewhere miles away from the elderly parents who now expect the op to drop everything for them.

I really hope she doesn't.

DriftingDora · 13/04/2024 20:13

everythingthelighttouches · 13/04/2024 11:57

Would you tell your brother how unfair you find it?

and that you consider that consequence of him living off his parents for all these years means it is he will be the one to care for them in their old age?

Telling him that he'll be responsible for any future care will have no impact whatsoever. Brother and his wife either will just not do it or will come up with any number of excuses as to why they can't do it.

Freeloaders don't repay - they simply freeload. OP needs to detach herself from it, as it won't make one iota of difference what she thinks or says. The brother is obviously golden child here.

BrownTroutBlues · 13/04/2024 20:07

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2024 12:01

Or a your family thing?

It's not like that in my family

Show quote history

No, not a ‘my family’ thing
All the adults of my parents generation are the same when we grew up.
All Irish, if that’s relevant.

affairsofthebart · 13/04/2024 19:22

ssd · 13/04/2024 19:06

The trouble with boundaries is, i suspect if the op was ever showed any actual consideration from her parents she would go running, as shes been looking for this for years.

Its a very difficult web to untangle.

Totally agree. That's why therapy could help. Dysfunctional family behaviour and expectations are pretty hard to escape from.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/04/2024 19:21

affairsofthebart · 13/04/2024 19:02

Because they know you are both competent, generous and kind. They know that you will help them despite both sets having blatant favourites.
As I said earlier, you both need to draw some boundaries. That might involve seeing a counsellor to help get your thoughts and feelings together. Do not be guilt tripped into running around after your elderly parents who have treated you so unfairly and put their son above you in every way. He can fulfil the traditional expectations as he has happily benefitted from them all these years.

Show quote history

Precisely. Being so independent is also what makes parents leave people like OP and her DH out of wills, "because they're so good at looking after themselves and don't need any help".

Inheritance or financial help isn't a given but I get you, it hurts when a sibling is favoured.

You don't have to take advantage of them but equally not let them take advantage of you.

ssd · 13/04/2024 19:06

The trouble with boundaries is, i suspect if the op was ever showed any actual consideration from her parents she would go running, as shes been looking for this for years.

Its a very difficult web to untangle.

affairsofthebart · 13/04/2024 19:02

Bluesky91 · 13/04/2024 17:59

I’m beginning to realise DH and me have been super dumb all this while. Both sets of parents ring us when they need “help”. My parents won’t ask unless they are desperate (they just manage on their own) They are afraid of making DB look bad. Inlaws ring DH for help with everything.

What exactly do we do that makes them think we’ll look after them while they look after their other children? I wonder why in-laws don’t ring SIL when they need anything?

Because they know you are both competent, generous and kind. They know that you will help them despite both sets having blatant favourites.
As I said earlier, you both need to draw some boundaries. That might involve seeing a counsellor to help get your thoughts and feelings together. Do not be guilt tripped into running around after your elderly parents who have treated you so unfairly and put their son above you in every way. He can fulfil the traditional expectations as he has happily benefitted from them all these years.

0sm0nthus · 13/04/2024 18:08

What exactly do we do that makes them think we’ll look after them while they look after their other children?
It's probably because when they say 'jump' you say 'how high', in other words they ask you because they know you are obedient.
You need to stop obeying, turn the phone off, dont respond unless it's something that benefits you, etc

Original poster
Bluesky91 · 13/04/2024 17:59

I’m beginning to realise DH and me have been super dumb all this while. Both sets of parents ring us when they need “help”. My parents won’t ask unless they are desperate (they just manage on their own) They are afraid of making DB look bad. Inlaws ring DH for help with everything.

What exactly do we do that makes them think we’ll look after them while they look after their other children? I wonder why in-laws don’t ring SIL when they need anything?

OP posts: