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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

394 replies

Bluesky91 · 12/04/2024 22:04

My parents own a large 3 bed semi. They extended it to convert to a huge 5bed house. After I moved out, my brother stayed back. He is not a high earner (teacher). He got married a few years later. His wife works for minimum wage. On their salaries, they will struggle to live on their own - they will have nothing left to save/spend on lifestyle. They have a 4yr old child. They all live with my parents.

Earlier this evening, I was visiting my parents. My mom was out with her exercise group. Brother, SIL and DN went out for dinner. My dad ticked off all of a sudden saying they have no money by 20th of every month and it’s very unfair on pensioners. wtf. My parents have TWO pensions. Just that they chose to pay everything for the house, bills, food, cleaner, car, childcare, DNs activities, etc. DB/SIL spend their income on lifestyle and investments. it’s not NHS/ Govt’s problem. My dad got so mad a me for saying this, he shouted at me saying “do you want us to kick your brother out? How will he live?”

Within means? Like everyone else?

AIBU ?

OP posts:
mt9m · 13/04/2024 06:43

Bluesky91 · 12/04/2024 22:21

Yes, totally enabled by my parents though. Db and SIL would pay a bit if my parents ask them to. But they won’t ask. If DB offers on his own (he never did), in my opinion, my parents see this as a massive failure on their part. They have weird notions about providing for “sons”

Show quote history

My parents also have these weird ideas about providing for sons. Can you explain it to me at all? I'm a daughter and have struggled to understand why they get to freeload and I get nothing but criticism and judgment, when I work hard and they don't.

Original poster
Bluesky91 · 13/04/2024 06:28

Sauvblonk · 13/04/2024 00:58

Does your brother know that his parents are running out of money at the end of each month whilst supporting him? Or did your father choose only to moan to you about it on the side?

I think dad is too proud to tell my brother.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 13/04/2024 06:27

If they contribute nothing financially, pay nothing for childcare and earn minimum 50k between them they should have plenty for a very hefty deposit or to buy a flat outright! Where is their money going?!

HerkyBaby · 13/04/2024 06:20

It’s reasonably easy to work out how much your brother is earning via teacher pay scales on Google. Calculations for your SIL is much easier. Give your dad the facts about their income.
The other niggling worry is that this might be financial abuse / coercion of the elderly.

thankyoujeremy · 13/04/2024 06:19

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/04/2024 06:10

Can you be a bit curious? Find out if your brother and sil have savings, what your brother is on. Will he tell you? Then you can work out what your sil is on if you know how many hours she works. Then you have ammunition to give your parents. I think you need to protect your inheritance. It sounds like your brother will be angling for the house seeing as he is so poor and never managed to buy on his own.

Teaching is an open pay structure - google teaching pay and look at how many years he has done. It is roughly one pay point per year. If he has responsibility that will be an allowance on top.

Original poster
Bluesky91 · 13/04/2024 06:19

hazeleyednerd · 13/04/2024 02:17

They're not even being looked after by your DB and SIL now.
Sadly though it doesn't sound like they want to hear it. I can only imagine how hard it is to watch.

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Exactly.
TBH, SIL seems better than DB. She helps around a little bit, DB does absolutely nothing.

OP posts:
thankyoujeremy · 13/04/2024 06:17

I'm a teacher. Whilst it feels that you should get paid more it certainly isn't minimum wage. There are many out there who get by on less.

Original poster
Bluesky91 · 13/04/2024 06:11

0sm0nthus · 12/04/2024 23:49

sounds like your dad is boiling with anger and cant think straight?
I think I'd try & keep out of it😶

The anger seems to be like “ oh, you have disposable income, I don’t” - he didn’t say it directly, I just felt he is very resentful I have a better income. I always had a feeling they are bank rolling my brother to get him the same standard of living as me.

it was perfectly fine for my parents when I lived in a 1 bed flat, while they lived in a 5 bed house (brother was at uni, but still lived at home). Now when I even utter the sound of him moving out, they both pounce on me crying murder - phrases like “push him to the streets” “cruelty” etc.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/04/2024 06:10

Can you be a bit curious? Find out if your brother and sil have savings, what your brother is on. Will he tell you? Then you can work out what your sil is on if you know how many hours she works. Then you have ammunition to give your parents. I think you need to protect your inheritance. It sounds like your brother will be angling for the house seeing as he is so poor and never managed to buy on his own.

Overthebow · 13/04/2024 04:54

Op do you know how much teachers actually earn? Do your parents? The starting salary is £30k, a teacher on main scale will be on £40k before too long, with more for upper scale. It’s not unusual to earn £50k plus if a teacher wants more responsibilities/promotions. Of course they can afford to live by themselves, it may just not be the 5 bed house with luxuries such as cleaners they are used to. Having not paid your parents anything for so long I’m surprised they can’t buy something outright by now.

90yomakeuproom · 13/04/2024 04:47

Runnerinthenight · 13/04/2024 00:06

Though I would ask your parents, how are they going to make up to you the level of financial support your brother has had, that you haven't!

Omg, you cannot say this. How rude!

13pockets · 13/04/2024 04:22

GiveUsACoffee · 13/04/2024 01:26

Sorry to go there, but are you South Asian by any chance? That's a bit of context

This was what I was going to ask...it all points to it: living with in laws and lazy entitled son...

Italianita · 13/04/2024 03:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

splashofcolour · 13/04/2024 03:31

coconutpie · 12/04/2024 22:26

I couldn't stand by and just let this happen. I'd be having a family discussion with your parents, brother and SIL present and say it's financial abuse that your parents are having to provide for everything and to start paying their own fucking way. How can you even be around your brother and SIL knowing that they are taking such advantage of your parents? I'd be furious with them both. It's disgusting.

It's not abuse. The parents are adults who are willingly making this decision

StripeyDeckchair · 13/04/2024 03:16

The starting salary for a teacher is £30k
You don't say if he's primary or secondary school but £50k after 10years or so is easily achievable

Plus SIL earnings & it sounds like they have no childcare costs - they should be rolling in £ & easily able to afford to live alone

hazeleyednerd · 13/04/2024 02:17

Bluesky91 · 12/04/2024 23:12

It’s 100% my parents fault. I think they are paying hoping they’ll be looked after when they need help.

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They're not even being looked after by your DB and SIL now.
Sadly though it doesn't sound like they want to hear it. I can only imagine how hard it is to watch.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/04/2024 02:04

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2024 01:48

This.

I know that teachers' wages in England are lower than those in Scotland (where I live and work) but I've not heard of a teacher starving yet.

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I was married to a teacher. We had no trouble buying our own place/paying nursery fees etc ..

We weren’t wealthy by any means but it was comfortable enough.

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2024 01:57

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2024 01:48

This.

I know that teachers' wages in England are lower than those in Scotland (where I live and work) but I've not heard of a teacher starving yet.

Show quote history

I've just looked up the salary scale for England. I was wrong.

Honestly, there's no excuse for your brother's behaviour, OP.

When I was a young teacher, I lived with my parents but I paid them for my digs - and in those days, the wage for a probationer/NQT in Scotland was really low.

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2024 01:48

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/04/2024 22:25

I don't understand why you think a teacher would struggle to live apart from his parents. What do you think all other teachers do?

This.

I know that teachers' wages in England are lower than those in Scotland (where I live and work) but I've not heard of a teacher starving yet.

Duckingella · 13/04/2024 01:45

Surely a simple solution would be for your parents to sell their house and buy two two bed houses.

One could be gifted to your brother as an early inheritance and the other your parents would live in and would be left to you as an inheritance.

Your parents would no longer be financially supporting your brother and would have much lower running costs on a 2 bed house.

teacheroffsick · 13/04/2024 01:34

Babyroobs · 13/04/2024 00:00

They are taking advantage. Two parents working and no housing costs to pay. I let my 24 year old son live with us for nothing and provide some of his food but he absolutely knows he is expected to be saving for a house deposit as we want to downsize in a few years.

Don't you think a 24yr old man should be paying you for lodgings?

GiveUsACoffee · 13/04/2024 01:26

Sorry to go there, but are you South Asian by any chance? That's a bit of context

Notmyuser · 13/04/2024 01:26

PinkArt · 13/04/2024 01:13

Has your brother never moved out? And never paid any rent or bills? If we are taking £30k as a teacher salary, allowing for fluctuations for experience and inflation etc (without knowing his age but assuming 30s seems a good guess from what you've said) that could be £300k gross that he's earned and 'cant afford to move out'. Plus his wife on £20k a year if she's full time could have banked further tens of thousands. So potentially they could have a good quarter of a million in savings.
I think you have to leave them all to work out what they want between them, but please don't buy into the bullshit that they can't afford to move out. Even in London that could just about buy them a one bed, cash.

I’m an unpromoted teacher in my mid 30s and I’m on significantly more than 30k, I know teachers in England are not as well paid but I’m on £48k so I’d expect it to be more than 30k?

PinkArt · 13/04/2024 01:13

Has your brother never moved out? And never paid any rent or bills? If we are taking £30k as a teacher salary, allowing for fluctuations for experience and inflation etc (without knowing his age but assuming 30s seems a good guess from what you've said) that could be £300k gross that he's earned and 'cant afford to move out'. Plus his wife on £20k a year if she's full time could have banked further tens of thousands. So potentially they could have a good quarter of a million in savings.
I think you have to leave them all to work out what they want between them, but please don't buy into the bullshit that they can't afford to move out. Even in London that could just about buy them a one bed, cash.

Codlingmoths · 13/04/2024 00:58

The chances that a spoilt rotten son who’s never done anything for himself or his child much less his parents turns around and cares for them in their old age are zero. I’d move away personally!