Parents moaning their pensions are not enough!!

He’s not a poor man, he has very odd ideas about paying everything for a couple earning at least 50k, then getting angry at his dd when she points this out.

Well yes this but its not the Op’s problem.

Even just a class teacher can earn more than 50k+ on UPS. Your brother is taking the mick if he’s earning anywhere near that and not contributing. But it’s your parents’ fault for enabling. Instead of talking to your parents, have you tried telling your brother that you are worried your dad’s said they are struggling to cope financially?

I’d bet you any money your DB stands to inherit their house entirely. He won’t move because if he gets his own place your parents might decide he doesn’t need it all and splits it with you. He’s doing his poor relation act to financially abuse your parents.

Or perhaps he's just really worried about how they will cope financially in the future, but is being over-ruled by a wife who wants to keep her grandchild living with her and is therefore allowing them to have the royal mickey taken out of them by her free-loading son and DIL?

It's clear you're looking down on your brother's career choice. I'd leave that out of it.

Your parents have created this situation. Maybe your dad venting is because your mum is the driver behind enabling it.

😆

Absolutely, have they NO shame?

I don’t think it’s the living together it’s the not paying a fair contribution. That’s what needs sorting somehow.

but I know someone else doing something similar and getting into debt but it’s like talking to a brick wall. Some people are just stupid .

Wow, with the greatest of respect to your parents, are they mad? Why on earth are they supporting them to this extent? But why are your db and sil such blood sucking leeches on a combined income of at least 50k?
I bet they make sure your dp’s will is totally in their favour too.

I am Asian. This is how many Asians live. ( not me). It's really odd to see multigenerational living spread to others. I hope this is not me in ten years, given the CoL.

I also think there's not much you can do beyond removing yourself.

They basically don’t like the girl in the family doing better than their son I think. It’s a weird kind of misogyny. Have they always favoured your brother? I think the fact that you cracked on and sorted yourself out makes it worse for them because it highlights how much he hasn’t been able to get on his own two feet. Such disordered thinking.

Honestly, I’d just say grey rock it every time he brings it up. Or maybe just say “what do you think you should do?” And bat it back to him, otherwise you’ll just be the bad guy.

Sit back and watch your brother and sil put your parents in a care home as soon as they can.

I suspect they’ve told your parents that they will look after them in proper old age and your parents believe it.

Because you (as a woman) will eventually marry a man and be ‘taken care of’. Once you are married off, you aren’t their problem any more. Whereas your brother (as a man) needs to be ‘set up’ to attract a wife that he will then have to take care of. It’s medieval but that’s the underlying belief I suspect, even if it’s not spelled out.

my aunt bankrupted herself buying a farm for her eldest son: it was very important to her that she ‘set him up’ properly, so that he could attract a good wife, have lots of lovely children, and look after her in her old age. Unf he took the farm, then married an older woman who already had children and didn’t want any more. So that didn’t work out 🤷‍♀️.

Given your answers, I’d just tell him it’s self inflicted problems and if he gets angry when pointed out to him, you don’t want to waste your time talking about it.

OP, as outrageous as your brother is being, I don’t think there’s much you can do other than come to terms with this mad situation. You won’t win because your parents have decided that your brother and his family are somehow helpless and in need. If you try to challenge that ridiculous idea (which is what you did) then YOU become the problem. You’ve had your say, they now know how you feel, and maybe what you’ve said will actually get them thinking a bit. But you can’t push it any further.

I say this from my own experience. Over the years I’ve come to terms with how my parents want things to be, because they have (mental) capacity and have decided that my freeloading brother is a helpless victim whose money issues are never his own fault. But I literally walk out of the room if they talk about their worries over their rapidly dwindling savings, and they know exactly why because I told them what I think. I don’t speak to my brother at all, and I won’t be his next source of money once my parents are finally out of savings.

@buswankerz had it right, if your dad mentions this again then cut him off and remind him that he didn’t like how the conversation went the last time.

One thing to look out for is your parents’ welfare, mental capacity and any care needs as they get older. If you have concerns over your parents’ ability to make financial decisions, or to access enough care in future then you may need to get involved with social services. Your brother has probably not factored in that the home will likely be sold at some point if one or both of them have to go into a home. Watch out for any financial control or exploitation and arm yourself with knowledge about what you can do, from outside the household, if you see signs of this. There are some good source of info online.

Sorry OP, it’s so hard to see it happening.

I have a few friends who have moved into 1 bed flats with 1 child as it is all they could afford and a few years and a few moves later they were buying bigger houses

It might not be ideal but it beats what db and his wife are doing which is quite frankly embarrassing

This is 100% your parents doing. It was their job to guide their children to independence. I suspect your parents still like having your brother and co around.

When you give your adult children free accommodation, meals, clean house and bills paid you are basically making it very uncomfortable for them to move.

They need to become independent for their own well-being as this situation will be keeping them under their parents thumb. Is their an unspoken obligation in the pipeline...like caring for them rather than sending them into a care home?

They must have saved up enough for a deposit by now.

So what are they expecting him to do after they have gone.

I mean willing the house to him is only going to put him in penury as he won’t be able to afford to run it

I have lived in a multi generational house and not one individual lived their bill free.

If anything everyday at dinner everyone put what they earned that day into the middle of the table. (a bit like the tv series Bread but we had a plate instead of a chicken)
We as a family could then move forward quicker and with less expenses

Think brother needs to grow up and stop thinking he is hard done by and your parents should stop enabling them

They will probably leave their house to their son so aren’t worried about how he’ll manage. They are already setting up the narrative that he needs it more.

I wouldn’t have any sympathy tbh, they could ask for a contribution but they don’t. They favour your brother massively and to a delusional level.

Sorry if I’ve missed this but does DB not pay any rent to your parents? This is an incredibly messy setup if so, and it’s not just your parents fault, your DB and SIL are freeloaders

Well then they are going to have to move away. Maybe nearer the school he works in,

If db and sil truly can’t afford to buy or rent anything then that is what benefits are for

I suspect db and sil can afford to buy but why make life difficult when your parents are paying for everything and doing everything for them. Are they expecting the house eventually

Your parents should be a bit more concerned about how their ds is going to cope after they have gone.

I would suggest that parents think about helping in a practical way for their ds and his wife to stand on their own 2 feet.
I would even broach the subject of what will happen after they have gone because if dB cannot afford a 1 bed flat how is he going to run a 5 bed house

Direct parents to look at what a teachers salary pays and a minimum wage job pays and what benefits they would be entitled to if they moved out on their own

I think they could be shocked at how much they are earning.

How do your parents think a family of 3 live on 2 minimum wage salaries
Do they think everyone moves in with their parents?