Should I encourage my dad to have a clear out or AIBU/ cruel

I would leave it. I know it’s stressful to see it all, but it will be more stressful trying to get him to part with it.

When the time comes, either way, you’d still have the time-consuming, important stuff to clear. The obvious clutter will be fast to clear then, much easier than trying to wrestle it from him now.

My dad's exactly the same. House full to the brim. Garage piled high and right to the front. It will all be left to me to sort out. It's really dirty too and he smokes so it all stinks, the walls all nicotine stained etc.

Dreading sorting it out when he dies but I'm resigned to it.

At least he's finally agreed to a gardener coming who is going to do a two day clearance of the garden before regularly maintaining it.

Does the clothing actually fit him? Maybe start from the idea that if he doesn't fit into certain coats/trousers then that's the time to pass them on.
Maybe suggest that the stuff goes to "the poor people in Ukraine/Gaza who have lost everything". Pull at his heartstrings.

Is it your childhood home? Can you pretend that you are looking for something of your own as a cover story for sorting the place out.

Can you help him with selling the unopened stuff if he feels it is too good to give away? Or ditch the old stuff with his permission and open the packets of new stuff. I would try and do it in small steps with his cooperation each time you go there. Or as you say just try not to let it bother you. Is he not worried that the house is not clean? What about kitchens and bathrooms? Are they hygienic as you could say you are worried for his health.

Just to say if it's really bad hoarding you need to register with the fire service. They have a list of hoarders as they need to know for fire risk purposes.

My grandmother only started decluttering at 85, for her it was seeing things go to a good home rather than just charity shop donations where it could sit unused for ages because of the high prices. She gave a lot of clothes to her cleaner who passed them on to poorer elderly clients who could use them. A lot of kitchen and household things have gone to grandchildren.

I know exactly what kick back the OP will get if she suggest Vinted/Ebay. Her dad is not going to be able to achieve anything like the price he thinks his clothes are "worth". Because he will remember what he paid for them, know that something has only been worn once or twice, and will want upwards of £50 for a very dated double breasted white dinner suit, bought in 1993 for a cruise and worn once.

(This may or may not have been the exact conversation DH had with his father last weekend).

In addition to charity shops / vinted etc there are some places that work like a food bank - ie people who are in need come in directly and choose clothes for free. I quite like that idea as clothes are going directly to those who need them. I struggle a bit with the charity shop concept as they price so highly at times.

If he sees himself as '85 going on 25' and doesn't want to give his excess clothing away, he could always give Vinted a whirl.

I know I'll get slaughtered for being ageist, but if he's not Internet savvy, is there a young adult in the family who could help him start off?

I don't have much advice, but after my DM died 2 years ago, it took me and my sisters 18 months to declutter and sell - I was there pretty much 5 days a week for about a year.

She did try to declutter about a year before she died, and it was quite cathartic for her, but there was So Much Stuff. It was a lot of work for us, but in a way I'm glad we didn't burden her final year / months with badgering her to sort through stuff.

Does your dad react well to tough love or does he become combatant?

I'd say to him "Dad, I love you very much but really, it's not safe having so much stuff around the place. There are so many coats and trousers and other bits and pieces. I'm going to be harsh here but we can either help you declutter the place now, while you're still alive or we'll end up donating it all to charity when you're gone. If we do it now, you can pick the bits to donate to charity or recycle and hang on to the rest, but honestly, how many coats does a person need and how many can they wear at the one time?? Let's start in here and see how we get on. I'll do the 'heavy lifting', you just need to sit in the chair there and when I ask you which item we're going to keep and which one we're recycling, you can tell me. Shouldn't be too exhausting for you, right?"

Would something like that work do you think?

Absolutely agree that it’s really important to know where all the important paperwork is. I’d also suggest going through photos and anything else that’s sentimental with him.

Having been through this while clearing my mum’s house after she died, while you can get house clearance companies to deal with everything else in the house (furniture, crockery, clothes, books), it was up to us to deal with paperwork and photos. Unfortunately nothing was very organised so we had to go through all the drawers and cupboards ourselves to make sure we’d got everything useful/ sentimental. If you can make a start on this now, it will make the inevitable house clearance easier at the end.

Also think about if there is anything of yours that you could remove now. Again, I didn’t do that, and had to deal with old school and university papers while clearing mum’s house, which was extra work I could have done without.

Of course, if If the house is dangerous (fire safety issues etc), you’ll need a different approach.

At the minimum I'd ask for a fire safety check from the local fire service.

If you are up to doing all the decluttering yourself I'd have a go. But if he just can't let anything go, don't make both of you miserable over it.

He doesn’t sound healthy to me. Hoarding is a mental health illness. Trying to get him to declutter isn’t as straightforward as persuading him. Has he seen a doctor or psychiatrist?

My MIL sorted her bungalow so well that when she and FIL died, it took me and dh only 2 hours to quickly go through it, get the photos and documents, pick up bits and pieces of theirs that we were going to keep and authorise the rest for clearance/sale/donation by a company - and it was essentially done. It was a very thoughtful thing for her to have done.

In your position OP, you shouldn't spend months doing it once he's gone. You can get house clearers - it won't cost you if there is stuff that they can take and sell - and there will be. For example all of his kitchen appliances presumably work. You could go in whilst the house clearers work and take photo albums and paperwork.

I would encourage him to have some sort of organisation, rather than asking him to chuck it. So you can find the important stuff. eg it doesn't matter if he has 70 coats if they are all in the same cupboard and you know there's nothing there that's valuable/necessary.

there will be nothing in my DMs house worth keeping at all, with the damp, and the mold, and the rats...

I'd burn it down if i had the chance

When the time comes, take anything you particularly want, and stick a very visible label on anything not for clearance (e.g. too valuable) and get a house clearance firm in.

We’re not hoarders but that’s what I’ve told dds to do. Because even if the house is reasonably uncluttered, I’ve done it and it’s a sad and horrible job

I hear you @AtTheCopaTheyFellInLove

We recently had family visiting from overseas. My mum is a hoarder and there was no space for the visiting family to stay. My dad rented a lockup and we took loads of stuff there to make room.

Interestingly, when moving it back into the house my mum looked less than impressed with it all being there, but she is stuck on this cycle of it's worth something so she can't throw it away.
Or it's useful.
There have been a few occasions over the years where this has been proved right, but so many other things are still sat waiting for their potential to shine.

Someone mentioned above about planting the seed of the people who will be left to deal with it all. She knows this, she did this after her parents passed. In fact, it's some of their stuff that's part of all this excess.

I wish I had an answer. Sadly, it will only be cleared after she has gone. My poor dad just wants a clear house where he can get on and do the jobs he wants to finish, and sadly I don't think that will happen.

Hoarding is a mh issue. He won’t be able to just chuck it out. You could encourage him to sell stuff, but selling second hand clothing is not, ime, cash rich. You could just leave him to it-it’s his house, his choice. Just get house clearance in when the time comes, we did this for my mil when she needed full time care in a home. None of the family wanted anything.

My rule is - if it's not been used for 6 months, then chuck, sell or give away. No use mulling things over.

The important thing is to find out if he knows where all the important paperwork is and make sure you know too. This can form part of a more general declutter - ie getting rid of very old receipts and helping to to marshal other categories like photographs. It might also help you to help him to eliminate redundant vacuum cleaners and other things like that, by suggesting a one off electrical goods disposal collection.

Of course, he does have to be willing to do some of this. The important bit is knowing where any important paperwork is. If you help him make his house more comfortable on the way to this then that’s helpful

You can only have a conversation with him about it, but he is an adult with his own choices and consequences. Don't ruin your relationship with him.

The conversation could be slanted around preserving memories and history for the family.

If he goes jnto care, or when he dies, then get a clearance in.

Call Stacey Solomon?

Definitely don't get rid of his stuff without his consent, that could be really traumatising for him. Maybe you could get lots of boxes and encourage him to have a sort out with you. If he can't cope with getting rid of stuff, storing lots of it in boxes will take up less space, and also means that when then time comes you will have a lot of it pre sorted to just go straight to the tip or charity shop. Make sure you label the boxes.