Should I encourage my dad to have a clear out or AIBU/ cruel

I was going to suggest doing a good deed thing to get him to donate but you have already tried that op. I think I’d go round and make a point of always leaving with a shopping bag full of bits you’ve managed to squirrel away. Grab a coat when he’s not looking and put it in your car, take a large handbag round and throw a few bits in when he’s not looking. And just donate it.

Or if you don’t want to take stuff against his will, suggest a garage or car boot sale…

not the same thing but my DH is a hoarder, stuff he’s bought years ago as an “investment “ is just sat in our house gathering dust, we have 3 children and I think of them in years to come having to deal with sorting it all out
He tells me-this is worth some money, I reply , you’re the only mug that’s bought it, no one else will want it,
it’s a tricky dilemma, you love the person but not all the stuff
having gone through the upset of dealing with our parents house/belongings when they had both passed on, it takes team work, siblings coming together or like others have said you pay for house clearance
not sure what help I have given but I feel for you

I think that's hugely disrespectful

I'd be livid if someone disposed of my belongings without permission

Could you say it’s a health risk in that medics won’t be able to help him if he is ill or a fire risk? Maybe you could thin out by 25% rooms he doesn’t use?

Is it affecting the quality of his life? You've said its annoying you and it'll be a job for you later on but is it negatively impacting him mentally or physically?
It didn't sound like it from your op so I would say leave it.

Similar position except I live with my mum.

she was fit until a few months ago and post op. is now frail. I had to get pro gardeners and she was ashamed of how much hoarding she did in her garden too. I’ve got about 6 lots for the tip and no time to do it.

she finally gets what a mess she’s leaving for us to deal with and it’s stressful.

the paramedics could barely get in her bedroom for all the stuff.

i feel for you but tread carefully as it’s a mental health issue.

He needs to do it now while he’s fit and healthy. If anything happens in the future they won’t let him out of hospital into a hoarders house and he’ll end up being stuck in hospital for ages while it’s cleared. Then he’ll have no input into what is kept and what is cleared out.

Tread carefully, my dad is a hoarder and I have done numerous clear outs with him, he's back to square one and just doesn't invite me round anymore, and won't let me in if I turn up 😕 we see each other at my house or meet for dinner etc, but I worry about him so much

I was raised in a hoarders house. My dad worked for a large furniture removal company and would bring all sorts of unwanted furniture etc. home.

Also, as an ex-engineer I'd keep devices, cables, conduit etc. as it would always come in handy. I had a large shed full! So in a way, I was a hoarder too. The come in handy need dissipated when I moved off of my tools.

The only place I really have stuff stored now is the loft. Mainly toys etc. from when my girls were growing up.

My wife passed away in January and I'm still struggling to motivate myself to start clearing the loft so nothing much is left for the girls to sort when I go. I will start soon and even a small amount daily will mean eventually it'll be sorted without too much stress.

The majority of my home is clean, clear and tidy and I love having clear worktops in the kitchen.

I've sent lots of stuff to our local hospice shop and I've told my girls that if they see something that has no use/value to anyone they can get rid of anything they want.

I don't want to give them any more stress if I can.

There is no harm talking to him about it. You could say you are doing the same and giving things you dont want (clothes) to homeless charities and would he like to join you in seeing what he might not need anymore.

What you need to do is test the water and see how he reacts. People become blind to the amount of stuff they have sometimes especially if they ate not moving house /down sizing as they not confronted with it in the same way.

Sometimes once someone gets started on de cluttering that first step (the hardest) helps and leads to more steps. Watch Clutterbug on Youtube she goes into the psychology of clutter and keeping stuff and how to work with family members on it!

You have said his house isnt clean and from what you describe there is zero chance he will use all these possessions again. So this is a serious hoarding issue and to be approached gently. However as the house isnt clean and that isnt healthy I dont think you should let the hoards increase until they further threaten his health.

Organising what he has and in the process encouraging him to donate some of it is not making him spend the rest of his life miserable, it's just reducing what he has to the point where his physical health is not at risk and he hopefully has more life to enjoy.

Balance is important.

The compulsive buying /acquiring is one part of it and relatively, can actually be the easier part to overcome.

The need to retain, why, and what it does for each individual, even when it is causing them more difficulties or expense than any pleasure or security, tends to be the more difficult part.

Lots of people have strong hoarding tendencies and find it difficult to stop acquiring/ let go of or dispose of what isn't logically needed. Most can to some extent reason themselves out of the worst of the situation.

When it tips into being actual hoarding disorder it tends to have developed as a maladaptive response to hidden trauma. There are often crossovers between the strong tendencies and full on HD groups.

The 'stuff' is the symptom that draws attention to the fact something is terribly wrong that is unaddressed. People see the 'stuff' as being the issue because it causes visible problems.

It is like anorexia in that it is easy to see the terrible loss of weight as being the problem, but it is actually the visible symptom of it, if that makes any sense.

Getting food into an anorexic, or possessions off a hoarder, with nothing else done, is a method of reducing the visible symptoms, not the condition.

Symptoms themselves can be very dangerous, but it's worth remembering that they are symptoms, as it is almost impossible to treat them without addressing the causes.

(One of the difficulties of organized hoarders is it doesn't look like most people's idea of what hoarding is. It's presentation is more socially acceptable so it is dismissed as not real hoarding. Useful for chaotic hoarders, disastrous for organized ones.)

I have just accepted that my parents are not going to get rid of the hoarded stuff, and indeed it will probably get worse in their remaining years. I hate seeing them live with that chaos, especially as my mum's sight declines and she can't find anything, but they are otherwise mentally competent adults and it is their choice to make.

The sad thing is it will literally all have to go into a skip, whereas if they had a normal level of stuff I would like to keep some genuinely meaningful items. But I know they are not going to change, and I am not going to waste our time together fighting about it.

@TheNurdnugget “If the latter then I'd be inclined to be harder and tell him when he dies you'll get professional people in to clear it. Whereas he if has things he wants people to inherit then he needs to clear it out so that it's obvious.”

Are you for real? He’s a grown man not a child, and why should he spend his time worrying about what will happen when he dies? Let people live instead of policing their choices and reminding them that they might be due to croak

Does he buy them because they are good value and he will "use them one day, so I will buy them now as it's a bargain" or does he buy them because "I can never find socks when I need them so need to buy more"?

The first is a compulsion that is hard to resist/overcome, like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter, it's just that his winter never comes because the socks, etc, are always there to be purchased.

Perhaps you could encourage him on some charity work. He could make up small parcels for the homeless. Being secondhand, but in good condition would be quite a nice thing to give. The more personalised giving might make it easier for him to declutter?

How did you overcome your hoarding? I am facing this issue with my elderly parents. Their house is unsafe and unsanitary. It’s killing me seeing them like this.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t make it your job. Let your family know now that you will not be taking this on.

Could you maybe encourage a carboot sale when the weather gets better? Something you could do together and perhaps get him thinking about getting rid of more things?

I think I'm going to have to let it go, and work on not being bothered by it. that sounds a sensible approach.

It would literally take me months. It doesn't need to. There are house-clearing companies.

Would your dad notice if you thinned out some stuff? that would be outrageous behaviour and effectively stealing.

It doesn't sound like hoarding. He has a lot of belongings, but he's not got stacks of stuff blocking access to rooms or blocking corridors, and he's not hoarding rubbish like old newspapers or empty margarine tubs or toenail clippings.

We were lucky when my dad passed away that he didn’t really have much stuff to sort through. We wentt in, took out everything confidential for a proper confidential waste service. We took things we wanted to keep and paperwork we thought we might need then we just got a house clearance in to basically clear the whole lot. It was quite ruthless but I’ve nowhere to keep things and my sibling lives abroad. We have about 4 storage boxes kept in my garage and that’s all.

My DM on the other hand is a complete opposite. She’s not a hoarder bit does hang onto things ‘just in case’. I have been blunt with her and said I’ll be doing the same with a house clearance so if there’s anything she especially wants us to keep then she must sort through and put it somewhere labelled. Otherwise it will mostly go to clearance too. Her house was never my family home as she moved after I left home but it does hold alot of sentimental value to her and my children who stay there a lot. There are things we will definitely keep and some bits l’ll get rid of at my home so I can keep her better quality versions 😂😂😂. But there is a lot stuff that no one’s going to want. She has started to clear out. She does have fitness and mobility issues but she has been clearing bit at a time. She had some renovation work done recently which also helped clear one room. She has loads of kids stuff from when my kids were little and I’ve said just to take them to charity shop or put on marketplace etc. I’ve not pressured her into it though. She actually wants to sort through and declutter.

I’ve watched som of those hoarding programmes though and that is a whole level of mental heath that needs dealing with properly and sensitively. My dad’s lack of stuff was also down to mental health issues but was easier to deal with. It may well be easier to do as previous poster has suggested and leave it til he’s gone to get house clearance in. They can quote depending on how much there is and how they’ll get rid. Ours was really honest and found a couple of things which could have been worth money and left them for us.

I have HD and a life time struggle against it. There are various sub types. I'm 2nd generation with a parent who was a squalor hoarder. It's a MH disorder that no one chooses to have, and is very hard to overcome even with good levels of self awareness. It generally worsens with age and other circumstances when there is little to look forward to. Attempting to start tackling it very late on, can be a death knell.

My sub type is an organized hoarder, possibly because of my childhood. Like with like, tidy, everything categorized and kept in a way it's easy to move and rotate to clean. (organized hoarders tend to need clean as well as tidy)

In case this is useful, I've successfully worked with other types of hoarders and go in with an 'I'm not here to get rid of stuff.' The aim is to get them back a level of control, order and cleanliness. In the process I know if it's is done well it will also result in them deciding to shift out some stuff, but that's not on the table until they put it there, then I facilitate it and ensure it works well for them.

'Organized hoarding' automatically helps overcome some of the more serious issues around general hoarding, and can be borrowed from by all types. (doesn't cure HD, but creates better environments)

So I'd advise you to head there in encouraging your dad to create a safer cleaner environment for himself, without hustling to get rid of things. You may be surprised how getting people organized without pressure to shed stuff, actually can cause them to decide to let go of some of it, especially when it's grouped together. They can see they're one person with a max of five visitors, who owns cutlery to feed 100 and they are likely to have only a few years at most left to entertain again. Being positive and keeping things light and getting to a point where they can laugh at things, can go a long way towards internal change.

I'm quietly glad to hear you're going to put the relationship first. Getting it cleared professionally when he's gone, can actually be done very easily and quickly and without stress. Fees for it should come out of the estate.

I can also tell you from the other side how heart breaking it is listening to older people with HD who have realized their children want them to loose the last few good years they have, going through misery throwing away what they want to keep, so their children can have an easier time getting their hands on the inheritance they feel entitled to, at the expense of the bequether's happiness.

It can also backfire.
One elderly lady become absolutely desolate as her family cheered on her spending her last year disposing of all that mattered to her. They consoled her, and told her how good she was being, and how relieved they all were for her.
She did it and with help, got to a point where it was a pretty normal home, but was so deeply saddened on may levels. She died as we got to the last leg.
The family were pleased so much had been achieved. But then furious to discover she'd been so hurt by their charade she'd changed her will and left the family home to a charity. They spent way more on legal appeals than it would have cost for clearance once she was dead, and lost. Her will was upheld.

It's very late on for him to try to elicit change without causing misery, so I'd say hold onto the good relationship you both have, while encouraging safety and a reasonable level of cleanliness and organization that is genuinely about him while he lives, and his quality of life, and while it's all a pain in the butt, you will come away happier in the long term.

PIL are like this. Stuff everywhere and even roped together on the driveway. Old bread makers, kitchen worktops from 20 years ago, rusty childhood fishing rods. FIlL has been saving some of it from his own parents to pass on to us.
No thanks. The best stuff will be auctioned and the rest in a skip.

It’s hard work! I cleared out my mother’s laundry today and got rid of two bin bags before she poked her head in…she does want stuff gone so it’s okay as long as she isn’t there but as soon as she gets involved, getting rid of anything is a struggle.

I'm trying to do Swedish death cleaning, it's hard. It's hard for 2 reasons. Clearing he paperwork side of it is incredibly boring. Sometimes things have memories attached to them and you are not ready to let go of the younger person you were when those memories were made. Sometimes you grew up in hard times so you knew you would struggle to replace useful items if you gave them away but needed them later.

I'm doing it (slowly) because I want to make life easier for those who will have to sort it out. Tell him that and start the process with him now. Tell him what you'd like him to keep and what you will send to a charity shop.

Do you have a local Facebook page? Maybe he would give stuff away to local people or to a homeless shelter. Does he like animals - rescue places love old towels.