Ds is 13. He has this friend, also 13, who is polite enough but is a bit cocky, a bit 'streetwise'. His mum seemed lovely when we met her, and ds speaks highly of her. He's become pretty obsessed with this one friend, to the exclusion of other friends, and has spent a fair bit of time with him over Easter (sleepovers, fishing, cinema etc). He lives about a 30 minute drive away. His mum has said that ds is good for her son, and she's been very encouraging of the friendship. She goes out of her way to collect/ drop off ds at home when we said he couldn't go because it was inconvenient for whatever reason (for example, a mid week one hour round trip just so ds can have dinner there seemed a bit much, but she always comes back with "I'll bring him home" so in ds's eyes there's no reason for us to say no). The father is on the scene, but we don't know much about him, and ds doesn't speak much about him, but says he's 'alright'.
My problem is that it feels like this boy's mother is now massively overstepping the mark, but I can't work out whether I'm being unreasonable and overly jealous/ protective. She messages my son, directly, a lot. She invites him over to theirs, gets him excited by promising to take him fishing or whatever, and then I end up being the one who spoils it all in my son's eyes if I say no. She always asks me/ dh directly in the end, but only after I've spoken to ds about not making arrangements we don't know about and pointed out that things like that should be arranged parent to parent.
I get Mondays and Fridays off work, so had wanted to do something with ds and 7yo dd this Friday as the weather is good. She's been messaging him asking him if he wants to go over, go fishing, stay for dinner. Dh overheard ds in his bedroom discussing it with her. Of course, after that was put in his head, ds had no desire to spend the day with me and his little sister, and who could blame him? I know that friendships are important and I don't want to stand in the way of that. But he's still part of our family, and I want to do things together.
I looked at his phone last night. This isn't an invasion of privacy, ds knows that I spot check and it's a condition of him having a phone. There are no messages or communication between him and his friend. All the banter and arrangements are between him and his friend's mum. She's clearly one of these mums who likes to be seen as a 'friend' (by both her own son and his friends) rather than a mum. A few of the messages contain swearing, in a bantering way. There's a message on there in which ds lies to her about telling me to fuck off (he's never said that to me, so I can only assume he was trying to sound cool).
Everything about these interactions makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable. I remarked to dh yesterday that it almost feels like grooming, with us and our rules being undermined by her (she encourages him to go on his xbox with this friend straight after school, even though ours rules are homework first, then an hour of xbox). That sounds dramatic when I read it back (grooming) but it's how I feel, and dh agreed. I'm starting to think we need to take a firmer line on this.
Aibu to feel this is inappropriate, or am I being over protective and prudish? I'd never make plans with another person's child directly with them, and I said to dh that if this was a man doing this with a 13yo girl, it would be deemed grossly inappropriate.