When does someone change from a boyfriend to a partner?

Partner makes me cringe. I said boyfriend right up to the day we got married.

Tbh, if I hear of a couple together 40 years with 2 kids, all I think is why aren't they married.

I feel that being married is the committment he had to make to elevate himself from a boyfriend.

I find the term partner ick as well!

I thought it was just personal preference which name to use

mother-in-law
/ˈmʌð(ə)rɪnlɔː/
noun

1. the mother of one's husband or wife.

In our case it went boyfriend, fiance, then husband. I always found the term "partner" cringey and weird - it's kind of something and nothing. I wouldn't be happy being called someone's "partner".

It's when you feel too old to refer to someone as your boyfriend.

For me partner means partnership and having an emeshed life where you rely on each other. For me it's when you share a house, bills, children and you are actually a partnership. Whilst living separately and responsible for your own house and bills you are independent so I wouldn't class that as a partner even if you've been together years.

But that's just my thoughts and really that doesn't matter much do what you are comfortable with. I'm sure there are probably couples that live separately that are in far better partnerships than someone liking with a cock lodger or man child where everything really falls on them

@Dacadactyl I'm puzzled! What do you think I should call the man I have shared my life with for nearly 40 years, and have two children with? Is he my boyfriend?

Big life event eg moving in together or having a child,
or doing something together financially that's a long term commitment eg investing in something together
or length of time together.

That's not the sort of relationship I'd ever entertain (never getting married), so I'd still think "boyfriend" rather than "partner".

@Dacadactyl What if you never got married?

I think a lot of the comments are when someone (often younger/first proper relationship) on here says her "partner" has done something shitty or controlling when it's some jackass they met on a dating app 3 months ago. There's a bit of convincing herself that it's going to be for the long haul in that. It is not.

I think the reason it's usage has increased is because there are far more women in their 30/40s, with dependent children who are rightly wary of financially entangling themselves. They are perfectly able and willing to have a romantic and emotional relationship with someone and can manage their own finances and household bills. To me, the fact that there is ONLY our feelings binding us together makes it a more legitimate relationship than one where people really can't stand each other but it's too difficult or expensive to separate.

IMO boyfriend turns to partner when you move into the same property together - could be one of your existing ones or a new one. If you spend evenings and nights at each others' homes, its still boyfriend.

I always thought partner was adopted as it seemed wrong to refer to an older man as ‘a boyfriend’ , as they’re not boys. It’s a term that I don’t recall used much back when I was a teenager (80s) and its usage has increased over time.

@JaninaDuszejko
Or maybe we should change the word for someone you live with but aren't married to. Live in lover? Bidie-in?"

Here's a thought! How about partner?

I personally don't like the term partner. To me, it means nothing tbh.

He was a boyfriend til he married me.

I have never used the term 'partner'. I lived with a boyfriend for a few years. He was always my boyfriend. My husband went from being my boyfriend to being my husband.

When you both start sagging.

Financial ties.

My partner of 8 years and I have a relationship just like that. Having been cheated on and left for ow and had the entire infrastructure of my life upturned because of it, I will never put myself in that position again. If partner decides he wants to sleep with someone else, that's the only thing that changes. I'll still have my house, my job, my routine and childcare that I have now. But we message daily, are there for each other in good and bad times and plan ahead to when our kids are grown up and we can build a more permanent life together, but even then I will retain independence. He is absolutely my partner and it's not for anyone else to judge that he isn't.

When it's long term.

I have never lived with my partner (now husband)

I have no idea but partner seems to imply some kind of commitment and a role of support. Your boyfriend might not support you when your ill, but a partner would. I'd think a partner to me would be an established relationship, but it isn't to others I know. My friend has a partner after three months and no Co living.

It's all just words that really as a dyslexic person arent set in stone. It's open to interpretation and the strength of feeling to that individual.

Partner, probably deliberately, glosses over the exact nature of a relationship which doesn't matter most of the time but does in the context of asking for relationship advice on MN.

Yeah I think what bothers me is the assumption that you have to be financially entangled to be partners.

It assumes that most women are seeking some sort of financial codependency with the men in their lives and that if the financial codependency isn’t there the commitment isn’t there. Because of the baggage of history it’s always assumed that if a man is really committed to you he will support you or part support you.

And if you have shared children then clearly that’s a big consideration. The last thing you want if you have kids is someone who won’t pay their way.

That model doesn’t really work when you have your own money though and you might be seeking to actively avoid becoming financially entangled with a man.

I will never get married again. I have a shared mortgage and split bills but I never want to have to rely on a man to pay for my lifestyle (and don’t want one to have access to my assets other than the shared house). So financial interdependence isn’t something I seek. But I still want emotional commitment and respect. I want my partner to be faithful to me, to consider my needs etc.

Bit of a ramble but this is why it irritates me when people bring up the cohabitation and “shared life” thing. It doesn’t apply to everyone equally.