Wedding rings and DD/DSD

Perfect solution, problem solved

You do know women are allowed to own and wear rings even if not married? She may have her own mums or other female relatives jewellery to pass down as well.

i don’t see why dsd would want her step mum’s wedding/engagement rings anyway. It had never occurred to me that dsd would want or care about any of my jewellery.

They're your rings. Give them to your own dd. Dsd can have something of her dads of sentiment value.

I wouldn't want my step mums rings.... that's weird. Your husband is weird.

I think this is more him thinking you're rejecting the DSD

No, PP specifically said people should feel for step kids the same as they do for their own kids, which is the point my post was addressing.
I'm definitely a parental type person in my DSD life to a certain extent, but I don't pretend she's my daughter and she doesn't pretend I'm her mum and it's all fine.
My DH was the step child whose "new" daddy and grandparents and aunts and uncles disappeared like the entirely unrelated people they were when his mum split from his half sibs father. He didn't want that for his daughter, she has her own family relationships and no need to carry on as if me and my family are exactly the same.
She's still included and thought of as a member of the family, by me and all my family alike. Just none of this "like my own" stuff.

My ring is going to my daughter. If I had a step-daughter this wouldn't change no matter how much I loved her.

They are your rings and no one else gets a say. I would just let the subject drop now, and do what you want when the time comes. But, fwiw, I think it would be bizarre for you to give one to a stepdaughter.

Presumably she’s interested in what other people think, rather than she’s looking to be instructed.

Being interested in other opinions doesn’t mean you’re not confident in your own, or that you’re required to change it. It also doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with any opinions offered, and say so.

The idea often presented is that stepparents should consider their stepchildren indistinguishable from their own, and take one the role of a third parent.

No, the kids don’t get a choice, but then kids don’t get a choice when their parents split up either.

The idea as to what the role of an ‘adult family member’ entails varies wildly from person to person, hence why it’s up to the parents to make their expectations clear before they enter into a new relationship.

Why did you even start the thread if you didn’t want opinions? You sound pretty set in your decision.

Because children don't get a choice, obviously. The idea isn't that step parents should love their step kids as much as their own kids, it's that if they are not genuinely committed to being an active and genuine adult family member to the kids they shouldn't marry the kids' parent. It's a wildly unpopular opinion on here, but I really do think that 90% of second families are bad for existing children. If you really must remarry, don't have children with new husband.

I think you’ve learned that you need to write a will leaving the rings to your DD, and if you know it’s coming then you need to give them to her. Because if your DH gets his hands on the rings your DD won’t get them!

Honestly I wouldn’t argue about it. Drop the subject and just quietly give the rings to DD when the time comes. DSD can inherit rings (or cash or other items) from her own mother.

I agree with this. Can't you at least give her one?

100% agree. When I met my DH he was crystal clear that due to his horrible experience with a stepparent and being treated so differently from her bio child, he wanted different for his daughter. Her Mum had similar expectations for her stepdad when she remarried shortly after I married DH. It works for us. It can’t be demanded, some people value DNA above all else, and that’s ok. Not all of us feel that way though.

When you are long gone your dd will have those ringers to remember you by. To your SD they won't have any near significance to her as it would to your dd. Stand your ground on this.

It is honest for lots of people 🤷🏻‍♀️

People need to recognise the different set ups - obviously if you marry for a second time when your kids are adults this might not be realistic. Or when you’ve only seen your stepkids EOW. But in situations where you have raised a child since a young age like they are yours, it’s absolutely possible to say you love them like your own and mean it.

As to your second point, I’ve got two adult friends from two different families who say they have four parents having been raised by Mum and SD/Dad and SM from young ages and they do love them all. I’ve also got a relative who went NC with her mum as a teen but her SM is a much loved mum to her and granny to her child.

Families come in all shapes and sizes - it might be unusual but it’s possible and not dishonest!

Have you considered that the resale value would be less than the insurance value OP? You really should think about that 😉

I'm a step child and I would think it was incredibly weird if my step mum left me her wedding/engagement/eternity ring and not my step sister.

Her mum might have other jewellery to pass down to her and her dad could think about any sentimental items he might like to pass down.

I would imagine those are the exception rather than the rule, notable because it is unusual.

If a parent wants their partner to view their child ‘as their own’ then they should make their expectations clear from the very beginning, or you know, not split from the other parent. Ultimately though, it’s not something that can be demanded.

I always find it fascinating that this view is so widely held on here and yet I've never come across a poster stating that a step child should love and treat a step parent exactly the same as their own mother or father.
So we are left with this weird, lopsided expectation instead of everyone just being honest about the actual relationships at play.

Plenty of people do. Those that can’t shouldn’t marry people with existing children, in my opinion. It always shows one way or another.

your marriage to her father isn't an important part of her life really

On what basis can you assume this?! As a child who her dad is married to affects her life a great deal.

I think if all of your kids are getting a ring, then it's mean to exclude your SD. Why is your DH leaving his ring to his son? You could leave one of your rings to your son, and your DH leave his to his daughter. Unless you're expecting your son to wear DH's wedding ring? Because that wouldn't happen in my family, it would be weird.

It's always a bit dumb to expect someone who isn't your child's parent to feel for them as they do their own children imo.