Wedding rings and DD/DSD

Appropriating another woman’s child 😂🙃😂

”I don’t care for my SD for her own benefit”

If this pony wasn’t so damaging to the children it would be laughable.

I don't need to do anything.

Too much loves doesn’t lead to as much therapy as being treated as less than in a blended family.

You need to stop trotting that line out.

Absolutely.

What? Where else is it supposed to make sense? Don't know about you but I do my thinking with my head, yes.

Sorry, just saw not married, but point stands if he bought her anything of significance

You handing jewellery down to your daughter, which you have with your husband, is not a slap in the face to your SD. Have you asked him which one of his ex wife's wedding and engagement rings your daughter is being bequeathed? I understand that with blended families, the parent who already has kids doesn't want their child to feel less than part of the family, but it isn't an equal situation. His DD will be in line to inherit jewellery from her mother, potentially also his parents- your daughter won't (in regards to his ex wife obviously) so why the heck because he is the common buyer, should you have to? He's the common buyer for any jewellery he bought her too- which is obviously ridiculous, but maybe he'd understand it put that way?

Is your DH aware that the resale of the rings would be so poor? Perhaps he is putting up a stink because he thinks it’s significant inheritance value when it’s not.

YANBU to pass the rings to your DD

Your rings, your choice. Unless she lives with you full time and you're actually doing the mother role.

If he cares that much about it, he can ensure he leaves her something of similar sentimental value. Like thw watch you mentioned, or something left by his parents or whatever.

HMRC look into insurance policies I found out recently. We've rings and antiques and a couple of pieces of artwork. They'll add them to the value of the estate. This annoyed me because as stated the insurance replacement value of jewellery is always lower.

Yep! You can have totally secure relationships but when siblings come along and you are treated differently most kids feel that! Even kids with two bio parents together get jealous of new siblings. Imagine dealing with all those natural feelings as a small child PLUS the diversity that comes with not being treated equally.

As others have said, children don’t get to choose. The very least they are owed is the happiest and most secure life possible.

I'm sure kids do suffer if their parent has allowed a step parent into their life who is mean to them, doesn't include them in ice cream at the park, obstructive to their relationship with their parent, makes them sleep in a cupboard under the stairs etc etc.
Whether a secure child needs therapy because they only inherited their own mum's diamond ring is what I have my doubts about.

Again, you are talking complete crap.
Obviouslt it entirely depends on the situation. But there are plenty of situations where children suffer in these situations which has nothing whatsoever to do with an underlying pathology in the child or the quality of their relationships with their biological parents.

But then I also think it's fine for a step parent not to treat a SC like their own either which I know PPs will think a massive no no. If they have two active parents I don't see why they need me as a third personally.

If you think kids who are completely happy and secure in their relationships with their own parents are affected to this extent then that's your look out.
I'd be looking closer to home, not seeking to blame a third party for being closer to their own kids.

I'm not necessarily disputing that per se. But I still think it's completely normal, and acceptable, for a step parent to not love and feel for a step child the same as their own. And I think it's unreasonable for any parent to thunk badly of anyone for not doing so.

How do you know she would sell it? My dsd is very sentimental about things and I'm pretty sure if I left her something she would treasure it. Just because they aren't a blood relation doesn't mean they don't understand significance. With 3 I would leave one to the dsd.

There are those stepchildren that don’t expect their stepparent to love them equally to their biological children, as they don’t love their stepparent equally to their parent. What is perceived as a negative to one child won’t be to another who doesn’t expect/isn’t led to expect a blended family to fit the mould of a nuclear one.

Ultimately though the onus is on the parent to not create a blended family if this scenario is to be avoided. As another poster said upthread, ‘my ex said he loved my children as his own but he’s dropped them now that we’ve split up’ threads aren’t unusual.

The breakdown of their original family is well established to be traumatic for children, yet children are expected to accept and adapt to it. Stepparents don’t have a greater responsibility for their stepchildren than their actual parents do, yet a lot of people seem to expect them to have greater consideration.

There's a bigger issue at play if a person who isn't your mum not behaving like your mum (when you have your own mum anyway) leads to a lifetime of therapy

bullshit.

The problem is it’s difficult to separate the two. Feelings and behaviour both feed into each other. And how we choose to think about situations plays a role too. This is literally the whole theoretical basis on which CBT is based which is very well evidenced. If you are the type of step parent who is determined to think about and behave a certain way towards your step child , your feelings are well likely to follow from that. Especially over the long term.

There's a bigger issue at play if a person who isn't your mum not behaving like your mum (when you have your own mum anyway) leads to a lifetime of therapy. And it's unlikely to be because they weren't given a diamond ring.
There's a big wide ocean between not appropriating another woman's child and ostracizing said child from the family unit

This is where we differ because I believe the feelings show even when kids are not being treated “badly”. Over a decade of teaching primary age children has shown me that young kids are smarter and more perceptive than many of us adults believe. They pick up on tiny nuances and it can impact them forever.

Exactly

Treating and feeling are different things though. I'm sure it's possible to treat your SC the same without feeling the same.

Whether or not you should treat SC the same is something else entirely and something again not everyone agrees on!

I think it comes down to everyone having expectations based on their own experiences.

I’m fine with families who don’t have that expectation doing what works for them as long as it doesn’t impact the child. This is where it bothers me, because my experience, both as a wife, stepmum and teacher, is that when a step parent (or biological parent for that matter) doesn’t treat all children of the family equally, kids often feel left out, neglected, “different” and not like a real part of the family. This impacts on behaviour, relationships, emotional and psychological health, and the impact often lasts well into adulthood.