To feel so incredibly angry all these years later

31 replies

ExhaustedGoose · 11/04/2024 21:27

Have NC'd for this as situation is identifying to those who know the details. I've recently lost my Mother and found in her attic a box of paperwork, including all of my medical records and school reports.

When reading through these, despite the paperwork being 20-30 years old, I've become furious to the point of rage crying and I need to know IABU.

When I was born I was immediately moved to a children's hospital, as I was found to have severe cardiac problems & antenatal checks weren't what they are today. My whole childhood was peppered with cardiac surgeries, clinics, treatments and the associated conversations.

My school reports up to the age of 9 say I am able to the point of being gifted, popular and happy. In the summer between being 9-10, I was sexually abused by a family friend who was babysitting while my parents worked. My school reports from year 5 onwards, dismay at my 'appalling attitude' and my 'unfortunate need for attention'. The theme continues into secondary school. In secondary, I was so badly bullied that an incident led to me having a broken arm and fingers (from having my arm slammed in a door repeatedly). The perpetrators were given a day in isolation then rejoined all our usual lessons. The reports go on to say that I don't work well with others and I must learn to respect other pupils.

I'm now mid 30s, with a wonderful DH, 4 DCs, a nice house and a management career I'm brilliant at. So clearly, I turned out ok, but why do I feel so monstrously angry? I think no one thought to ask why my behaviour changed so suddenly and so drastically after being abused. I was bullied to the point of near suicide and yet I was the problem in class. Why are all these feelings happening when I'm already vulnerable over the complicated feelings over the loss of my mother. I also feel furious that her dismay at my failures at school, led to our relationship breaking down beyond all measure. I don't know what I hope to gain, but please be slightly gentle (but honest) with me!

OP posts:

Restinggoddess · 11/04/2024 21:41

Working back to when you were at school - issues around bullying, mental health and general pastoral care were pretty poor
Unfortunately there are many teachers who - for whatever reason- never thought to ask why children had a change of behaviour
It was easier to blame the child or to do some surface intervention with the bullies

Many if us had experiences like this - however as you say you have thrived and are doing well. Therapy might help - but also take time to be kind to yourself. You are grieving your mum, your inner child and what could have been.

Original poster

ExhaustedGoose · 11/04/2024 21:41

My DH has suggested therapy before now, as he knows every horrid detail. But my fear is that there's so much to unpack, it could be like opening Pandora's box.

My DC are the most precious things on this earth, and I don't want anything to impact the way I regulate my emotions, or how I form my relationships etc. My understanding of therapy is that these areas can be affected as you attempt to 'heal' the trauma.

I'm honestly wondering if I ceremoniously burn all the paperwork, bury the ashes and try and move on with the life I've built for myself. But this evening at least, I'm having a cry and a bottle of very naice wine.

OP posts:

Yoe · 11/04/2024 21:41

This is a very very hard situation for you . As an adult with insight you are reading about yourself as a child and it is very very painful . It sounds like that little child ur reading about just needs a big hug and the adult may need help unpacking all that went on in the past so to heal .
from what you have said even though you had suffered in many ways as a child you bright light never dimmed and you went on to develope a lovely life. You deserve that lovely life and more . If and when you are ready to unpack what has happened in the past as mentioned seek a service or resource to help you . Take care and sending you a virtual hug 💕

Emotionalsupportsnail · 11/04/2024 21:40

Oh OP. That broke my heart reading that. Anger is the only reasonable initial response. I’m furious on your behalf.

You were let down badly. Back then we didn’t understand children as well as we do now and even now children acting out are still judged as ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’. We ask ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Rather than ‘what’s happened to you’ which is the much more helpful question.

You deserved better.

You have done amazingly to get to where you have. You are allowed to feel whatever comes up.

May be you need some time to grieve and rage and process it all. Some trauma therapy (EMDR) might help if things don’t shift after a while.

Is there someone you can talk to?

Sending you a massive unmumsnetty hug. 💐

BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 21:33

You are angry because your childhood was not as it should be and you weren't asked what was wrong never mind listened to or heard.

Please seek help.

Autumcolors · 11/04/2024 21:31

Because you have unresolved trauma. What you went through was horrendous.
Therapy - with a well qualified psychologist would probably be very helpful. But look at the difference branches/theories of psychology and find one in an area that appeals to you.

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