To feel so incredibly angry all these years later

Sorry, but I think you need to unpack the box - with a therapist's help.
Why? Because you've already had a glimpse of what's inside it and it's really affecting how you feel.
As PP have said, you've clearly gone on to move upwards, but this may be the one thing that drags you down when you're feeling low.
Being angry and having a few drinks is all very well as it reduces your emotions for now, but they will always be there.
My situation isn't the same as yours, @ExhaustedGoose, but I do speak from experience. I was very lucky to be able to work through things that were a problem for me, including a chronic health problem and a troubled childhood. I'm not 'fixed', but I can recognise now when things are spiralling and the help I've had gives me the tools to deal with it.
All the best.

You are angry because that is the appropriate, healthy and natural emotion to express over what happened to you.

I am so sorry that all the adults who should have looked out for you were so inadequate.

Be angry, be really furious. But express it somewhere you are properly supported - in therapy or a group for survivors of sexual abuse and/or childhood bullying/school brutality. Try not to take it out on your DH or let DC see it as that could harm your strong positive relationships - and you deserve to keep those intact.

You could write too - journalling or a memoir could be therapeutic. I recently read an extract of Charles Spencer's heartbreaking account of his childhood. It's a long time ago but he's only recently felt able to face what he endured. Writing it down is a very powerful way of honouring and authenticating what actually happened to you.

Someone I know very well was in a similar situation. At one point feelings that had been shoved into a metaphorical corner started to come out. Anger is ok and an appropriate feeling right now.

You say you’re afraid to open Pandora’s box, but I’m afraid that it’s already opening. It’s unlikely that the anger and hurt are going fit back where they were before so you might as well face it and get some help.

I will say that the person I know came out the other side… it’s not forgotten but they have tools to help them now.

I don't have anything particularly helpful to add but feel upset for you as a child. No wonder you feel angry. Well done on building a wonderful life and family. All the best.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

The same thing happened to my sister when she was a child and as is usually text book she was also badly bullied. She was abused from probably birth til the age of 9. She does to this day have problems. She manages them. She holds a well paid position in child protection for the MET. In many ways I think that is like therapy for her also. Saving other children in a way she could never be saved.

What I will say is if you push feelings down. They will come back up - sometimes at very inconvenient moments.

I have had EMDR. For some reason it didn’t particularly work on me but it should and does work for many people.

Its worth remembering you can’t control your thoughts. Let them come and go without judgement. You are entitled to feel all the spectrum of feelings you feel and you should be so proud of that little girl for surviving and going on to raise beautiful children of her own.

It is a lot to revisit your childhood. Especially when there has been abuse. If you ever need to talk please feel free to message me. There’s not much I haven’t been through growing up in the house of horrors that I called home as a child.

I promise you’ll be okay.

So sorry to read about your experiences. Like another poster said, you are encountering a child part of yourself here, and the trauma that child went through - at the same time trying to deal with feelings of loss. I second the recommendation to find a trauma-informed therapist. Many parents past and present have doubled down on their own trauma/shame but this does not justify bad parenting/abuse. Getting help from the right person could also help you to see any toxicity in family patterns and help in your own parenting. See also the Insight podcast which I have found hugely helpful. Good luck.

Sending you a big hug, OP. I’m really sorry you went through what you did with such little support xx

So sorry OP, for what happened back then and for the loss of your mother, both then and now.

You have every right to feel furious, what happened was a gross injustice and it’s a shocking oversight that no one at the time thought to consider that something might have happened to precipitate this change. Also, wtf was the deal with the way the bullying was handled. Contemptible response from the school. None of this was your fault and you deserved better. It is saddening that the situation this utter prick created also impacted relationships with those around you. You should have been safe and looked after and should never have had this burden to deal with. Putting myself in your shoes I think I might feel robbed and just so very angry at the unnecessary sadness of it all. It sounds like an additional grief on top of the loss of your mum.

What an achievement that you have gone on to build such a thriving life for yourself.

Re therapy, it can be incredibly freeing. You can usually arrange an introductory chat over the phone with any prospective therapist, so this could be an opportunity to share your concerns and find out what approach they might take to address these concerns (and consider different therapists). You can go along and speak about what you like – there shouldn’t be any pressure to go more in depth than you’d like or discuss anything that feels uncomfortable or too heavy.

Enjoy the wine this eve xxxx

Theres a saying, i think its actually Dr Phil lol but it always stuck with me, as it applies to me.
Sometimes you have to rise above your rearing.
And thats what you have done. Its what ive done. Ive had therapy, its hard. But years before therapy, i cosntantly worked to rise above my rearing. To do better. To be better. To know better.

I was a much better person, friend, wife and mother because i learnt how not to be.

Youve done this. All by yourself.
How fucking amazing are you to have done ll that?
All by yourself?
Dont be angry. Be fucking proud. Proud of the fabulous person you carved out of the shambles.
Thats what matters. You owe them nothing. Not even your anger.
Burn it if you want. Or stash it in the attic for when you are ready to burn it.

I have had EMDR. You do have to think about the tough times. So it is pretty difficult but really works.

You are amazing OP that you have come through all that.
And now you are bereaved all sorts of emotions are going to surface.

Just be one day at a time, being gentle with yourself and if and when you feel ready, put out some feelers for a group or a counsellor/ therapist for some additional support.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. You are entitled to grieve for the childhood you didn't have. Once you have grieved and come to peace and acceptance, you will find ways to give yourself the nurturing and joy you need going forward.

If you’re this angry, and you’re right to be, it may just be it is time now to really work through these traumas. I think with the right therapy you can go at a safe and steady pace and it doesn’t have to be like a floodgate opening you can’t shut.

My experience was it went in waves - like you I was very anxious about opening up the box as it were and maybe having some sort of breakdown and not being able to parent properly. But my MH was affected anyway and I was dealing with a lot of unresolved pain and so of course in some ways my parenting was already being impacted just with the sheer effort it took to hold it all in.

What I found was the mind is kind of an amazing thing sometimes - I was able to work through layers bit by bit in stages of therapy, over time. It didn’t all come out in one massive go, it was like slowly allowing each part and working it through.

All in all it took about four years of therapy - I didn’t go for four years solid, I did four ‘rounds’ of about 6-8 months each time with breaks in between. It was the best thing I ever did for my health and I would consider myself basically ‘healed’ -in that these experiences no longer have such a grip on me and i’m so so much happier.

Whatever you choose to do I think will be right for you, you may want to wait a bit longer or test the waters sooner. I’d say that you’re writing and talking about it here is maybe a sign you are ready but it is completely up to you.

I’m so sorry reading your opening post. It is heartbreaking you went through all that.

Therapy would help deal with all the anger and other feelings have. An exploratory first session to discuss your worries about how you opening the Pandora’s box might affect your children will help them understand what is important to you and how to help you.

I'd go down the burning and getting pissed option.
You don't have to revisit it.

Sounds like your mum was left to muddle through and didn’t know how. I'm so sorry for what happened to you and hope you find peace

Burying emotions is a false form of forgiveness; it gives very little peace. The freedom you get when you acknowledge and confront pain in past relationships is a different kind of forgiveness entirely. But forgetting wrongs isn't the same as forgiving them.
People have written to me on my mother's death that my relationship will change and deepen after death and in a strange way that has been true.

have heard that emdr is highly effective for trauma and it isn’t a talking therapy exactly so won’t dredge up the past in the way that you fear.

I wouldn't burn the stuff yet. I'd get therapy first. You can burn later but you can't get it back if you change your mind.

I often wonder whether our parents didn't have their own traumas which made them double down...it was as if they protected themselves from their own personal suffering by refusing to acknowledge their part in our distress. It's very complicated. I read my grandmothers account of my mother's acute homesickness being sent to boarding school, this a woman who hated her own school days and herself was acutely homesick. Why did she let my mother suffer and then accuse her at the time of surly ingratitude, aged 12/13? And then my mother inflicted her own version of this on me (not school related though)
Sometimes the pain doesn't settle on the right target though, it was the abuser who hurt you and the school that let you down and allowed the bullies.

Your mother failed to protect you however, and surely that is a mother's first duty to protect. When our mothers don't protect us it is like a visceral betrayal of the child bit of us and it feels like abandonment ....something to howl and scream over, justifiably. I certainly have gone over a certain situation in my mind over and over again (not child SA), wondering why my mother or father thought it best to act the way they did.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I can look at the situation more dispassionately now as her own way of protecting herself, low self esteem, conviction that to be good parent required X y z, fear of being thought a bad parent etc (my mother died recently and we were on good terms). EMDR helped me recently

You know you .. if your gut is telling you not to unpack or reopen old wounds ..well then that is the way to go . Everyone is different and going different routes is ok it’s about you being comfortable

For sure burn the lot …I actually would do this myself tbh …. It’s a really good idea … you enjoy your wine … be happy healthy and continue living your best life .

I might be jumping to conclusions here but did you have parents that didn't like to make a fuss and were worried about what people may think? I have a friend whose parent's need for the family to be seen as respectable and untouched by drama over rode any need/help their children were so desperate for. It wasn't until my friend became a parent themselves that they realised that their own parents desire to be seen as respected, upstanding and successful quashed any of their children's need to be heard. There was no talk or anything unseemly or problematic. Ever.

A good cry is good.

A well trained trauma therapist will work with you in a paced way. The first stage is stabilisation so processing only happens when you feel ready. With EMDR you don’t need to go into all the nitty gritty. You mostly just need to honestly feed back what’s happening in your mind and body so the therapist can pace things and look after you.

You have so much to unpack here and trying to do it all in your head must be so hard. I’m glad you can talk to your husband.

You will get through this. So much personal growth can come from trauma but it is so very very hard. You sound so strong and capable and your values as a parent will help you to keep going and look after yourself.

My one very strong piece of advice is (and I’m going to shout this) BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Allow yourself to feel and think without judgement.

💐 🍷

You're justifiably angry and she's dead so you cannot even have a chance to redress this issue. Find a good person to speak to, someone suitably qualified and open Pandora's Box. You've done very well to keep all those plates spinning but your anger and pain is righteous and you need strategy to deal with it now the perpetrators and those who ignored it aren't here and you're left holding the trauma. You're a remarkable and strong person to have persevered and succeeded against the odds but give yourself the opportunity to heal, that much is within your control. And fwiw, I am so sorry you were hurt and weren't taken care of, you deserved better.

I work in education dealing with students with behaviour issues. There is very rarely no reason for the behaviours they display and the first thing I do when getting to know a student is seeing what background info we have on them-is there known past/ present trauma? Is there bullying? What do we know about the family?
Not sure how old you are but there was no-one who actually gave a shit when I was at school, they just punished bad behaviour.
It's absolutely understandable that you feel anger, I'd feel the same.