This can't be normal!!!!!??

Narcissistic mothers don’t change and become wonderful grannies. I’m so sorry for you, but break free now.

She will be the type to want to be called mummy etc. run now and don’t look back.

Can I ask do you think your mum likely wanting to be a grandparent to gloat rather than actually be there for your and child?

Oh God she sounds batshit and totally not normal. Good job you are moving. Make sure it is as far away as possible and stay there!

Good luck with everything.

Do yourself a favour. When you move, tell everyone it’s to a different part of the country than it actually is. So if you are going north say wales not Liverpool. Tell everyone the same so when you do have a baby and your mum becomes unbalanced and tries to take over you can go nc and not be traced. It’s not a matter of if but when.

She is totally unreasonable. Good luck with your plans for a family and with the new job opportunity. Hope all goes well for you.

I wouldn't say this is normal, no.

My mum was certainly very keen for me to have babies, which was difficult for me when I was struggling to have one.

But I was 2-3 years older than you are now when I got married, and she didn't constantly press me about it or quiz me on whether I was using contraception or not.

At 30, unless you are particularly unlucky, you still have plenty of time to have children. The only women I know who were worrying about this at 30 were the ones with known fertility problems, or the ones who were still single and were worried about finding a partner in time.

It sounds as though you have been TTC quite half heartedly, and not for very long. If you have a few hundred pounds to spare you could get a fertility MOT with a private clinic, to check your FSH, AMH and antral follicle count, and your husband could get his sperm checked. It's not fool proof but will hopefully tell you if you are showing signs of premature ovarian failure, indicating that you can't afford to wait and really need to get on with trying seriously to have kids right away. You could also use a non hormonal method of contraception such as condoms or a copper coil and get into tracking your ovulation, so that when you are properly ready to TTC you are much more aware of your cycle and likely to conceive more quickly.

But none of this has anything to do with your mum, who needs to butt right out.

You could decide that actually you never want to have children at all, and as disappointing as that would undoubtedly be for your mum, that would be a perfectly legitimate choice for you to make.

She needs to keep her nose out of your uterus, and her opinions to herself.

Based on what you’ve said, by “you’re her creation” - he meant ‘property’. You weren’t supposed to be an individual in your own right, you were envisioned to be vehicle through which she could realize her fantasies. That she wasn’t able to have more children means that it’s all on you, with the added expectation that it’s your duty to provide her everything she feels she’s missed out on. Your father is also manipulating you, but he’s taken the role of ‘good cop’ to your mother’s ‘bad’.

You didn’t, and don’t, owe her what she think she’s entitled to demand of you. You’ve been conditioned like Pavlov’s dog to feel guilty for being ‘a bad daughter’ (aka being an individual with your own life), and that is something it would serve you well to unlearn. Therapy could help here.

When my mum got her first mobile phone I told her I was putting the home number down as ICE which stands for in case of emergency so if required emergency services would have a number to contact. A week later I was getting the silent treatment. I enquired why "you think I'm cold like ice which is why you have saved the number as ice family"

I have had a life time of "it was so hard for me when X happened to you" never any conversation about whether the various Xs were hard for me -at the time or later and during Xs I always had to save some energy for counselling her through my crisis.

She did not know I was TTC until I told her I was 17weeks pregnant. If there's a next time I might see if I can last until birth! She doesn't know my partner and I had a civil partnership last year and she doesn't know if I have a disability or if I'm ever ill. If she ever happens to phone and I'm clearly ill with a cold. I get phone calls over the following 3-4 months asking if it's better yet and how she is worried about me working whilst being ill. Ignoring all of my comments about me being better after a couple of days rest and have been well and back at work since.

My dad has joked about grandsons since I was about 19 but never seriously. As a broader family there has been a lot of pregnancy losses so whenever questioned about plans I used to always say "no one really knows if they will have a baby until they are bringing it home"

One thing I have learnt over the years is you do not have to share with anyone more than you are comfortable with, regardless of the relationship to you. As it happens I have discussed my thoughts of ttc again with friends in quite a lot of detail about the considerations and risks. Me and my daughter were both unwell after her birth and it's a risk and a fear. I could never have these conversations with relatives though as they are more invested and friends at more of a distance and it feels safer to speak to them as my decision doesn't cost them a fictional grandchild.

I am a believer in speaking about conception and decisions but absolutely don't do it with anyone that doesn't support you and focus on those that just lets you express your want and fears.

Nope not bonkers, it's true.

Im so sorry your mother is like this op.
None of what you have said about her is normal. I think it’s great you’re moving soon and I hope with some research you can develop some tools to help hold your boundaries (or go NC).
Congrats on your new job, I hope it and the move goes well xxx

It sounds like she's one of those people who spends all of her time day dreaming about how she wants scenarios to go and then when they don't she takes offence. Clearly she expects you to comply with her expectations and is carrying some serious bitterness around other people's lives, too.

She's giving main character energy, but only in her own head!

I wouldn't feed the beast, OP. You've got a lot going on with moving, new job and ttc in the backgound - all of those things are stressful and stress can affect conception.

Focus on you and let her get on with her own problems.

This is not normal and potentially emotionally abusive to you, i.e. going off to bed in the afternoon. Very childish behaviour from her. Your fertility is none of her business and if and when you do have a baby I expect she will be an interfering grandmother.

@Thempolsoltch
Your Mother is being entirely out of order.

Absolutely none of her business what you decide to do regarding having children and the timings of it.

My son {an adult} will never have children as he is getting a vasectomy.

So that means zero grandchildren for me.

Your mum is being very unreasonable.

Has she always been a narcissist ?

It’s your chance now to put some boundaries in place. Point out that you don’t own your children. You're not a brood mare. Your life is your own and I’d say that if she continues to behave like this you’ll distance yourself.

3 people knew when we were TTC - me, DH & my best friend. BF knew as she'd supported me through losses.

Your mum is weird, as is the relationship and the comments from her. It sounds like she would be a nightmare of a grandmother too

Ridiculous reply. OP's mum is being borderline abusive. Your comment about egg quality over 30 is totally bonkers.

The reason I said what I did in my pp is that I’ve seen all this behaviour before. A colleague stayed in bed for a week when her DS got with a new gf and bought a house. It takes the spotlight off of him and makes her the centre of attention as they all worry what’s “wrong” with her. Also, the child is an ‘extension’ of her. She needs to bask in his achievements which must be tip top to put her in a good light. If others of your age are having babies, well fuck me, she mustn’t be left behind. It’d be interesting to know about her own background and childhood. These behaviours often stem from trauma at a young age x

My god she's being awful. And imagine if you were having difficulties with fertility, this would be much worse for you. It's none of her business if and when you have kids. Congrats on your job, and that's a good attitude to have to not put everything on hold whilst TTC

I can relate.
We didn't tell my parents when we were going through IVF, but did let them know that it hadn't worked, afterwards. Apparently that made me a truly abysmal daughter. The aftershocks rippled through our relationship for the rest of my mother's life, although we did manage to have a very honest conversation a few weeks before she died, when (I think because she felt ill and had stopped the power play) she shocked me to the core by WhatsApping me an apology for her behaviour.
It only took 25 years, but I think that she had felt entitled, then enjoyed the power of being wronged by her terrible daughter.

Possessive/batshit mothers are pretty difficult things. Distance yourself, and get on with your life, your way. You will manage. She may see sense and be shocked into re-engaging...(or may not, sorry.)

Congratulations on the new job.

Ask your mother if she wants you to share a fertility tracker app with her or if it is enough for you to text or leave a voice note the next morning if you have unprotected sex? Some people don’t understand that bedrooms have doors for a reason.

Some people are close to their mums and talk about these things, some don't neither is normal or abnormal. It is up to the individuals.

Sounds like you mum is keen to become a grandparent. Just tell her she will be the first to know when it happens and ignore her "keenness"

Your Dad mitigating is him enabling her.

Two things - 1) Do the Freedom Program 2) Stick around on MN for a year or two. It's a masterclass in how to spot toxic behaviours from everyone and the vicars cat! I was able to work out so much about my childhood, early life, issues with my sister and why my relationship with my ex foundered after reading threads on here. It's the gritty underbelly of life in print. The stuff you can't discuss in real life with people you want to continue to stay friends with and it's invaluable IMO for navigating the world.

OP, this sentence in your reply really leaped out at me: “I feel like I'm waking up from a long dream where this was my life and I went along with belonging to someone like a possession.”
You need to instigate “the talk” with her. A similar talk to the one I had with my DC when COVID hit us, and we were going to be 4 adults under one roof.
We discussed that the family dynamic was now different, and although the DC would never stop being our children, WE were going to stop parenting them in the same way as we had while they were minors, and THEY were going to stop behaving like kids, step up and take on the basic household responsibilities more fairly. It’s worked!
Your circumstances are different, in that you have moved away, but you are not a possession, you’re an independent woman, and your DM needs to stop behaving as if you’re a child, and start realising that she has done a really good job of raising you to be that independent person.

Yow !! OP it’s a good thing that you’re moving away. This is batshit, entitled, controlling behaviour and if she’s roped your dad into it too, it’s well on the way to being abusive. If you do go on to have children, you might want to think about how much of a relationship you want them to have with your mother, because this level of intrusion and overstepping of boundaries is likely to ramp up massively once a baby is on the scene. She’s over invested in your life and that’s not healthy for anyone.