This can't be normal!!!!!??

I am an only child and my mother couldn't have more. She played a long game though. She always said children were a tremendous responsibility and you had to be sure. When she found out she was going to be a grandmother when I was 34 and married for five years, she was overjoyed. But the first thing she knew about it was when she got the phone call - she lived in another city. The same with the second when I was 37. She was a great grandma and the children loved her dearly.

That looks like a dodgy link but it's a psychologist talking about narcissistic mothers. Promise!

Op, I have no doubt you'll resonate with this:

vm.tiktok.com/ZGeuuxfHe/

Your mother is not normal. Your father may well know this but has ways of managing.

One of my DC is the same age as you - their reproductive plans are none of my business unless they choose to tell me. There is nothing more stressful than parents and nosy friends constantly half asking about your plans.

The only thing I've ever said to any of them on the subject is "please don't struggle in silence" - if they were struggling I would want to help and have the resources to help.

Unsurprisingly many of my friends have children around this age and take pretty much the same line. Happy to listen, but its not something you demand to know.

I'm still wondering what the saga of Beautiful3's 'friend' has to do with the OP's problem. 😂

Quite sure the OP is capable of making the decision about a child for herself, without scaremongering stories about not being fertile over the age of 30

Exactly what I came here to say. Take the job, MOVE.

Congratulations on your new job!
Sorry for what you are going through with your mum.
It sounds like this weird behaviour is a mixture of projecting (she didn't have more children) competitiveness with her SIL about being her grandma first, wondering what she's going to do now you are grown up and moving away.
She is bang out of order asking you so many intrusive questions.
It's no one business when anyone has children.
I have a young daughter and I can never imagine pressuring her to have children. I think also if you have an only you have to face up to fact that not being a grandmother is quite likely. I say this as an only child mum too. The choices we make in life.

Hope the move goes well! x

I don’t understand this pushing for grandchildren. You get your own chance to have your own or adopt, that’s your personal choice. What your DC do is theirs. I have two adult DDs of 23 and 20. The eldest has often said she doesn’t think she sees herself having children and I totally support that and have told her so. It’s a totally valid life choice with so many benefits. Children are a massive undertaking that more people should consider before jumping in.

If I were you I'd seriously consider telling her children are off the table. Then if it happens and you want to share once you're already pregnant, you can tell her.

My mum is nothing like this and is a nice mum, but has also been pushy about grandchildren. I phoned her to tell her I was pregnant at 10 weeks, a good month after telling my close friends and DP's family.

Oh that is so not normal. You are doing totally the right thing by carrying on with life opportunities until things change. I’d be so proud if one of my adult DDs did that. So sorry your mum is like that. Hopefully your move will create some much needed distance.

I'm not one to throw diagnoses around but she sounds like a true narcissist. The statement about you being "her creation" sent chills up my spine. You do not belong to her and you owe her nothing. Please get therapy to undo the damage she has done to you so that you can recognize her manipulations. Moving is a great idea as you need separation from her desperately.

It's none of her business!
Tell her to stop being a needy weirdo and that you'll have a baby when you and your DH decide the time is right.

No it's not normal at all and you don't need to get embroiled in it. Any further comments or questions, it's fine to just say 'that's private'.

No, her reaction is not understandable.

Your response suggest you never lived with a narcissistic parent so you cannot understand the intensity of this.

Narcissits don't change, they don't want to change and its very destructive. You have endless talks trying to explain how you feel, what you expect from them to treat you and they just don't listen. They are manipulators.
Until one day and after decades you see the light and realise you have to stop being their therapist/ fill their needs/ fix this relationship because you can't be walking on eggshells for the rest ot your life.

I know it's difficult to understand. Lucky people who never experienced this.

I hope to God, that you do not live near her, as if you do have a baby she will make your life misery. Do not use her for child care, ever.

I have no children, but wanted them. I married when I was 34.

After we'd been married a few years, an aunt took me aside and 'kindly' lectured me about the fact that my mum wanted to be a gran.

Next time I saw Mum, I told her what had happened and explained that I'd been upset since we actually wanted family. Mum then became a bit annoyed at her sister.

It's entirely up to to you whether you tell people, OP. You're behaving perfectly reasonably.

Just curious, what age is your Mum?

Not an excuse and I suppose you do mention long term issues, but could she be perimenopausal? And just slightly depressed, very lonely and bored (never a job, no friends, no hobbies, doesn't get on with in laws). Sounds as if she is just way over invested, not coping very well and has no trusted friend to act as a sounding board or to let off steam with. You and your Dad are it. And you are moving away to further your career, something she has had no experience of. She must feel she has very little purpose in her life atm - not for you to fill the void though, but maybe worth checking in with her to see how she is doing in general. If she could spread her wings a little it might help her mood.

Difficult, lot of pressure there as an 'only'.

That;s just weird.

I only told my parents when I was 12 weeks- and that was 4 years into our marriage.

Although my mother soon after we got married started sobbing and wailing at the dinner table over the awful thought that I was at that time vegetarian and what if I got pregnant and damaged the baby by my vegetarianism.

After that she was not told a thing about anything.

Definitely not normal.

I'd move to the other end of the country before TTC because it will make it clear to her that having a career and a child aren't mutually exclusive, and neither of them are any of her business unless you choose to share.

I have not read all posts but I have read all the OP's.
Comments about her DH are not obvious.
if it were me who had just realised the probs with my DM. I would be on the Mirena and going 100% for career. Far away.. . . . . .

@Thempolsoltch I had a mother like this. I agree it's a nightmare being held to ransom this way, emotionally. I'm early 50s now with two teens and my mother is no longer with us. But it took me until I was in my 40s to learn the term "narcissistic mother" which I learned about on Youtube via a friend who had the same. Look it up. There's a few types. She will definitely fall into one category or another. If your father enables her, which it sounds like he does, you've got quite the situation. Anyway, congratulations on the job that is actually something to be excited about. Maybe the distance from her (physical distance) might help a bit.

Getting married means that your new family (DH and any future kids) have to take priority over your parents, if it comes to a choice. At some point your DM has to realise that she is no longer entitled to a say in how you plan your life.

But this can be hard on the parents, especially if you are an only child. Your Mum has probably defined herself in terms of her relationship with you for the last 30 years. Now you are going your own way and she is looking at getting older without her current relationship with you. Her reaction is understandable (which doesn't mean you have to excuse or tolerate it). The question is how you get her to come to terms with that...

Google enmeshment and parentification. She doesn't see you as a separate person. Be prepared to feel very discombobulated as the assumption you had that you had a close/normal relationship gets more eroded the more you read and understand.

I had the therapist thing as well, some of the stuff she told me about her and my dads relationship makes me feel sick. Had the baby thing the other way round "don't be getting pregnant just because you think I want to be a grandparent, i don't want to be looking after a baby". What is more odd is that, at the time, i didn't see anything odd in her saying that!

Would echo what others have said, dont tell her stuff, don't see her/be as available and, if she does fall out with you or gIve you the silent treatment don't go crawling back. It will be agony/you may be physically ill because that's how you've been groomed, you exist to serve her emotional needs.