This can't be normal!!!!!??

With hindsight you all could have handled this a lot better.

You got your mum all excited by saying you and hubby were trying for a child.

In the meantime you want a child, you don't want a child, you want to explore life, then you want a child again, you're moving house and getting a new job. All of which are stressful events, which inhibit you getting pregnant, but you're going to run through the pinball machine of life and see what it throws at you. (Good for you.)

And secretly you don't really want to become pregnant in the first 6 months of your new job.

And are you moving further away from wannabee excited granny? (Of course she knows cousin announced she's having a baby after 1 month of marriage. If your father knows, she knows.)

With hindsight, you would have told mum that the first 18 months of your marriage was going to be hectic, because there might be career changes and house moves, but children is a goal of yours.

But you didn't. You leapt straight in there and announced you were trying for a child.

And now instead of respecting her, and telling her, you're putting children on hold for a year (whether true or not) you're being evasive and keeping her at arm's length.

Give her a story. Let her go wail to her friends that her beautiful daughter is wasting the first 18 months of her marriage on a career. And get her off your back for 18 months.

But a little bit cruel and stupid to tell her you were trying for a child and now not telling her anything - and defending your right to privacy.

Should have asked for privacy at the outset. You are playing with her emotions, in a non-nice way.

My mum kept banging on about grandchildren, despite having 2 from my brother. I basically told her she was asking if we were having sex. She stopped asking.

None of her damn business.
And id tell her so.

I agree!

Are you an only child by choice or circumstance? Do you think your mum might have wanted another and couldn’t for wherever reason so is now trying to live vicariously through you?

Oh my goodness my love - you own your own body and decisions. She should respect that! You must stick to your guns. I had a terrible first labour and swore never to have another. I was pressurised by Hubble and MIL to have another and I held out. Even my own mother said no more. So the point is you must be your own person at this point in life. Otherwise you risk making decisions that aren’t your own and that will eat away at you - believe mw I know - good luck and be strong. Remember our patents aren’t always automatically wise just because they are our parents ❤️❤️❤️

It's none of her business. Tell her to back off, she's being unreasonable.

Is she a bit lonely and desperate to get closer and feel better connected to you? Obviously being a grandmother would be an ideal opportunity for her.

Hi OP, you are not unreasonable for finding this uncomfortable. She is being very invasive and insensitive - what if you were struggling with your own worries about infertility or had found out it wasn't possible?

Definitely would recommend putting some boundaries in place - you don't owe her a grandchild. Children aren't ever guaranteed, even if you're young and healthy, and nobody should act as if they are entitled to them. The only people who matter in the decision to have babies are you and your husband.

Not saying you should do this, but when I was in my early 20s my mum didn't like that I was dating my now-husband and living with him out of wedlock. She made a comment about him 'only being with me for the sex' or something equally as humiliating and degrading. Something snapped in me and I gave as good as I got, replying 'well I must be pretty good in the sack coz he's been with me 6 years!' She blushed and never commented on it again. Might just take one embarrassing comment back to shame her out of commenting again. Incidentally my mum loves my husband now we are married lol.

I think you just need to have a conversation with her or wrongly it she feels she needs to be able to plan she’s made some assumptions that need putting right. No it’s none of her business in many ways but also much more of a shame it’s not something you can have an open conversation about. There’s probably no malice in it annoying as it is she just wants to be a grandma she’s been silly in her reaction though . Obviously stuff has gone on in the past which makes the conversation/ relationship more difficult.

Mum is Batshit!

She’s nuts.

You don’t owe your mother a grandchild. She needs to be respectful of your life choices and understand that you will never be close to her while she imposes her desires on you. And the thing with cold shouldering you over someone else being pregnant is really childish. Poor you, she’s being horrible

Parents have children so they can live their own lives, not live ours for us. I have two kids in late teens and I have no life outside of them and their dad because I’ve been his carer since they were toddlers so not had the opportunity.
BUT their life is not my business. Have they picked the education paths I’d have wanted them to? No. Have they picked the hobbies I’d have wanted them to? No. Heck they didn’t even pick the bedroom decorations I’d have chosen but that’s their choice. As long as they are not doing anything harmful to themselves I support them. You sound like a thoughtful, kind, intelligent woman and resourceful to put on a wedding on a shoestring budget in this economy! As long as you’re happy that should be enough for your mother and if it isn’t that is her problem not yours.

That sounds completely mental. What’s going on in your marital bed and marriage in general is no one’s business but you and your spouse.

She may WISH to be a grandma, but no right to insist upon it or interfere with your decisions. However, not sure we are getting full picture here as you said you DID tell her you were TTc. Depending on your own grandparents’ input/ previous discussions/ the reality of expensive childcare perhaps she thought you would be depending on or expecting her input with childcare/ babysitting etc?? On that basis possible she has made plans around that- only to find( in her view) you are now heading far away and avoiding getting pregnant?? If you genuinely have never implied ( intentionally or otherwise) that you would hope for any support or input from her then yes, she’s being unreasonable; but in that case why did you share with her that you were ttc in the first place?!

Hmmm i've seen this before. Even more of a nightmare when/if you do get pregnant. Whining why she isn't babysitting or questioning you going out for the evening. Arguing about your choice of baby clothes/childs name etc...

Nip this in the bud. Tell her your family planning agenda is of no concern to her. If/when you do get pregnant she will be the first to know but how the child is raised will be your choice.

THIS. Where she stands is that when you and your partner have children she will become a grandmother. Whether she will have an active role in the lives of her grandchildren depends very much on you setting boundaries and her demonstrating she is able to respect them between now and then. This emotional manipulation is completely unacceptable and others pandering to her emotional manipulation of others is also completely unacceptable. Put them all on notice and observe what happens - their behaviour will determine your future choices.

It's no one else's business when you have a baby other than you and your husband! 😁

It’s none of her business!
tell her nothing until late pregnancy or when you have had a baby because she is going to be such an interfering gm and she will stress you out unless you get some distance between you and her as in move far away so you and hubby can enjoy your pregnancy together in peace.
Good luck 🤞 op!

It was none of my DP's business 40 years ago so I can't believe a modern couple would discuss it with their DPs!

I understood my mother a lot better when I realised that every unpleasant thing she said about me was projection of her own feelings about herself.

This response really amazed me. Thank you.
I always ask myself this question (having a mother like OP's).
It sounds very possible. They can't be happy for you, it's like they are in a competition with you for anything you achive, academic, friendships, etc and that weird competition started in my early teenage years.

OP I found having my own children is very healing. You are so happy for their achievements, (even more than your own!)
Having a totally different relationship with your children is really rewarding and in a way helps with your past/ present crappy relationship with your mother.

@Thempolsoltch

Somebody said that they would be proud if I was their daughter. Gosh, that hit me! I just don't understand why I seem to annoy her so much. I did well in school and university, and make friends everywhere I go. People often tell me that I'm a good friend to them and all of my friendships are easy, chilled amd rewarding. I just love people and feel like I can relate to nearly everyone. I always do really well in any job I've ever had and I just have a good reputation as a nice person and hard worker. I think I'm a very balanced person and I generally am a very happy person, aside from this.

She is jealous of you. Who you've developed into, your ambitions and achievements, your friendships, including your friendship and love from your husband who encourages you to reach to be the best person you can be, is supportive, etc.... 🌹

"I just don't understand why I seem to annoy her so much... It's like literally everyone likes me except her!"

because, despite her failure as a nurturing loving mother, you have become everything she is not & more than she ever could be. And it irks her. The problem she has with you are the problems she has with herself.