This can't be normal!!!!!??

Your Mother does not get to choose when or if you start planning your family. It is none of her business. Her being upset by, or try to pressure you to follow Her timetable is way out of line. I would tell her kindly that she should not expect you to have an instant family, that is not your plan. I would discourage all conversations with her about when and if.

Me too, it's horrendous. It's very manipulative and controlling behaviour op- and it's your life and your business between you and your husband.

job sounds great, move sounds great, your dh sounds perfect for you. Your mum sounds terrible, and having a baby somewhere else sounds like a good plan. She will hate it but you will hate being closer. Can you tell your dad- you know what you said about mum being down about cousins baby? You know that’s not normal right? And Dh and I having a baby is OUR business, it’s not mums. She doesn’t get to be mad at me for not having a baby yet. She doesn’t own me.

I know I wouldn't dream of asking my adult daughters about something that is between them and their respective partners. It is nice when they have shared something though.

Her reaction does seem very strange, so I wondered whether there was something else at play. I haven't read the whole thread, so maybe it's already been covered. Do you know why you are an only child? I ask because my father was raised as an only child but had a severely disabled sister who died as a baby. My grandparents absolutely doted on me because of their earlier loss. I've known other couples who had only one child for less traumatic reasons beyond their control, and they were also desperate to be grandparents, although I think they kept that to themselves in front of their child.

Reading your post resonates with me a lot, infact I felt like I had written it, the gaslighting and the awful impact your mother’s behaviour has on you all feels too similar to my own mother and I really empathise with you, my advice? live your life without feeling like you’ve done something wrong (when you clearly haven’t ) your mum will have to get over it.

Fucking crazy.

so inappropriate Op.

Run to your new job and then leave the country. She’ll think your baby is hers, will have a room for it and will be trying to induce breast feeding next and allowing you access to see your baby one day a week.

Tell her to mind her own bloody business!!!

Not at all normal! She seems to be a control freak and no wonder trying to control your life and decisions; getting visibly upset when things don't go her way.. also she would be the similar controlling gm to your kids..

I have seen mother in laws behaving like this ( my own dear mil is exactly like your DM), not mums. You need to have boundaries set as to what she can force upon you and what not. It's not going to be a pleasant talk but it needs to be done. It's your personal life and you and your dp are the only concerned parties. All the best x

It's not normal. I'm an only child and decided long ago I didn't want children. Neither of my parents (who were divorced) ever mentioned children to me, not even once. The decision when, or indeed if, to have children is yours and your DH's, nothing to do with anyone else.

Your mom is controlling psycho. Asking you where SHE stands in regards to YOU staring a family?

create distance NOW. And keep it that way. It will only get worse.

That is beyond weird. My daughter also recently married and I know wants to try for children pretty soon. I don’t ask if they are trying as it just seems like over stepping! I’m also not really desperate to be a grandmother. I never think about it. How old is your mum? I’m 54 and DH is 51. Our main focus is travel and exploring far flung places. Is your mum quite old?

OP a lot of your posts really resonated with me and my relationship with my mother. I had some counselling sessions in my early 30s initially for what I thought was work related stress and ended up unpacking all the FOG, narcissism and parentification I had experienced. It was a lot and I'm still working through it now. If you can afford counselling or have free access via work I really recommend this to help you with boundaries and you'll feel so much lighter.

This flip side is I've found that having someone in your life like this has left me with super powers at work reading clients and staff emotional states and fantastic intuition to help create good relationships and drive performance.

Remember you are not responsible for her reactions to decisions you make about your life. You are not selfish or wrong for placing your needs and wants above hers.

"She wanted to know where she stood..."

She knew perfectly well where she stood. She was demanding you reveal intimate information between you and your new husband, backed by an uncomfortable level of entitlement in the way she continued to push you. No, it's not normal and it's time to enforce some boundaries.

Your mum is fortunate that you continue to engage with her about it, but move forward by managing her expectations asap. Setting the behaviour standards now will also save you having to deal with entitled grandparent through pregnancy and beyond. Trust me, you want to cross that headache off your list right now. Examples include wanting to come to every scan, decorate your nursery, be in the delivery room, be the first to hold your baby, etc. Most of us get tearful and overwhelmed in the early days but "homicidal" is definitely a comment you don't want in your red baby record book.

Reset the situation by saying this is putting you in a difficult position in relation to your DH. You feel it's a personal matter between the two of you, and you won't discuss it from now on unless there is information you both decide to share.

She'll turn emotional to get you to talk, but stand firm and remember the headache I mentioned earlier. It's an investment in your motherhood.

‘Where she stood’?

As far away as bloody possible!

I've read OP posts only, but I'm sure I'll be adding to a chorus saying please move as far away as you can!
If she's like this about TTC then she's going to be grandmother-zilla when you do have kids. I hope the advice here can help you set boundaries. Good luck with everything 💐 The world is your oyster!

She is DEFINITELY out of order. I'm longing to be a grandma, I feel so left out when all my friends are talking about their grandchildren. But I also know it is absolutely none of my business, and I wouldn't dream of asking about it or put any pressure on my kids. You must do whatever is right for you and your husband, and do your best to ignore your mother, however difficult that might be.

I'm amazed that you're so balanced and sensible with a mother like that! I would take a look at this site: https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Some tough reading on there, but when I referred my cousin to it (because her late mother, my aunt, was a raging narc) she found it helpful and it made sense of a lot of stuff. She had a weak enabling dad so it was a tough road.

But honestly, keep those eyes open now that you know it's not you, it's her!

Mother sounds like a classic narcissist- fact is she has no right or say in how you live your life, you’ve been an adult for over a decade and she needs to stop thinking she has any right to tell you what to do or try and make you feel bad and guilt trip you if you don’t do what she wants- no wonder you have not been close since you were a teenager, she sounds extremely trying. Only way to manage people like this is impose strong boundaries and be firm when she pressures you that it’s your life and your decision and your not responsible for how she feels and your not obliged to live your life to suit her.

This is absolutely NOT normal! Your mum needs to back off.

You need to be strong and set some boundaries with your mum. This is really unfair.

Of course you don’t need to tell her when you’re ttc. It’s ‘normal’ to tell family members once you are pregnant.

Did your mum want more children? Is she keen for you to have a baby to fill a void she had? Or is she competitive and wants to as she might see it ‘keep up’ with relatives?

I'd love to be a grandparent one day and my children probably know it but I wouldn't be demanding them to tell me their plans. You only get to choose how many of your own children you have (biology issues aside) you can't demand the next generation to work to your time scale or wants.

Gosh OP, I feel for you! Well done for looking into the research that has been sent your way! I was just wondering about your dad as I feel sorry for him being married to your mum! Do you think he’s okay?