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AIBU?

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Original poster

This can't be normal!!!!!??

332 replies

Thempolsoltch · 11/04/2024 21:19

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again.

So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague.

Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month.

My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night.

She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully.

Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant.

This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about anything at the minute.

This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thempolsoltch · 12/04/2024 05:35

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2024 05:31

It's by Helen Villiers and Katie Mckenna, they do the podcast too

Sounds like she didn't like the wedding because it wasn't about her

There were some legitimate aspects that didn't work as we had hoped and a few things went a amiss but I organised the whole thing myself, on a shoestring and it generally came together really well. It was really different but beautiful. I just cant seem to do anything right without it being a problem. Afterwards she said that she'd no other children so that was the only wedding of her child she would ever have, and that basically I'd messed that up for her. She just keeps saying things to me that make me feel like I've been punched. I don't think it's normal for a mum to make her child feel like this?

OP posts:
imforeverblowingbuttons · 12/04/2024 05:32

She sounds like a really difficult person. When you grow up with someone like that it can be hard to know what's normal and what's not as it's all you have known. And it's only when you see relationships played out on tv or speak to other people that you start to think maybe this isn't the norm.

It sounds like moving might be a positive for you. If your mother is pushing boundaries now this may get worse when you have a baby. You might need to be firm with her. Be wary of subjecting your child to too much time with her . Make sure you supervise.

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2024 05:31

It's by Helen Villiers and Katie Mckenna, they do the podcast too

Sounds like she didn't like the wedding because it wasn't about her

Original poster
Thempolsoltch · 12/04/2024 05:27

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2024 05:22

It's not normal, and it's probably just one example of her behaviour

Listen to the podcast - insight exposing narcissism because some of the examples on there might resonate, there's also a book called you're not the problem

Can you remember the name of the author, please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thempolsoltch · 12/04/2024 05:24

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2024 05:22

It's not normal, and it's probably just one example of her behaviour

Listen to the podcast - insight exposing narcissism because some of the examples on there might resonate, there's also a book called you're not the problem

Taking notes!! Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thempolsoltch · 12/04/2024 05:23

Mum didn't like how my wedding day went and told me she didn't leave the house for a week after it, but she 'should be used to being disappointed by now'. For context, my wedding day was great and lots of people said it was the best they'd ever been to. It was a small and quirky but she didn't like certain aspects and I said I didn't include her enough but I did my best. A few months beforehand we were walking past a jewellery shop and I asked if she wanted to look at wedding rings with me? She snapped 'no!' and said she'd meet me in Tesco when I'd finished. When I met her she had the saddest face and I kind of made a sad face at her as I'd to say 'are you OK?'. She snapped 'Do not mock me!'.

She is very difficult. I'm happy to be moving away actually. Sometimes I think she hates me!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/04/2024 05:22

It's not normal, and it's probably just one example of her behaviour

Listen to the podcast - insight exposing narcissism because some of the examples on there might resonate, there's also a book called you're not the problem

Original poster
Thempolsoltch · 12/04/2024 05:15

stargirly · 12/04/2024 03:44

she sounds very controlling and intrusive, hope you’re okay op and she backs off a bit, congratulations on your new job! <3

Thanks all. I've started wondering over the past few years if she is a bit of a narcissist. As I've no siblings I feel like I've nobody to bounce things off and I've been boiled slowly, like the frog.
No she has no friends, job or life outside me and dad.

My cousins mum is my dad's sister, who mum cannot stand.

OP posts:
stargirly · 12/04/2024 03:44

she sounds very controlling and intrusive, hope you’re okay op and she backs off a bit, congratulations on your new job! <3

SmallIslander · 12/04/2024 02:43

You say you and your Mum aren't close but you seem very willing to share intimate details of your life with her.

It's really no-one else's business but you and your husband. I just told everyone I didn't want kids until I was pregnant and avoided all the invasive questioning.

Universalfamily · 12/04/2024 02:43

Two weeks after I married my American husband I took a flight to visit his mum and family for a few days while waiting for my work visa.
As soon as my MIL met me at the airport she greeted me with "Are you pregnant yet?" TWO WEEKS after the wedding.

A few months later she sent me a stack of (unasked for) information in the mail about fertility issues (DH and I were 27). I just sent the entire packet back to her with no comment. A couple of years later she adopted two children and I feel sure she did it because she was so desperate for grandchildren she ended up going to get them herself.

We did have 3 children but the ridiculous comments and pressure from MIL was not remotely helpful! So grateful we lived 2 states away!

Spencer0220 · 12/04/2024 02:38

YomAsalYomBasal · 11/04/2024 21:32

No, that's weird. And if she thinks this level of intrusion is normal she will be a very interfering grandmother I expect.

This.

All the best on your ttc journey 🤗

Saschka · 12/04/2024 02:33

Your mum is bonkers. None of this is normal.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 12/04/2024 02:14

firstly i have two very close friends who have only children (one a dd and the other a ds) both mothers are extremely invested in their adult (now 38-39) yr old children's lives. fully aware of both ttc and sexual activity or not, fully aware of all finances and fully active in parenting/grandparenting (yes the line is very blurry).
both were extremely anxious to be grandparents. based on my experience mothers of only children often have a very unique relationship.
it was a very long time before i became a grandparent compared to my work colleagues and it was very painful to not have any. my workplace admin assistant younger than me was anxiously expecting grandchild number 13!!! (from 3 sons).
i had zero :(.
so although i fully understand that on mn many will say it's not normal for a parent to be invested want to know etc. my life experience is that many are and many really look forward to the opportunity to grandparent in some form.

splashofcolour · 12/04/2024 01:39

LIZS · 11/04/2024 22:30

Oversharing has given her an expectation. Sorry but you have rather brought it on yourself.

No she hasn't! You should be able to tell someone "Yep I'm trying for a baby" without this cu-cu reaction

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 12/04/2024 01:20

She is way out of line. I'd let her sulk and just ignore her. Once she's done sulking I'd actually like it never happened and just shut down any attempt to raise the subject again.

There are circumstances where grandparents do get say, though it's pretty rare, but applied in my case. I'm disabled and really struggled looking after my first as a baby so the my parents and MIL all threw themselves into helping. Given the level of help they gave we did consult them before trying for a second. They were all very enthusiastic about helping again, which is just as well because I was stuck on the sofa from 5 months pregnant and couldn't look after the toddler so they drew up a rota between them.

Probably a bit more information than you needed. I just wanted to demonstrate that the circumstances have to be pretty extreme for grandparents to have a say on TTC.

ClareBlue · 12/04/2024 01:11

Not normal and the exact reason nobody should ever discuss family planning outside the two involved or if it's one involved then just them.

YorkshireWelsh · 12/04/2024 01:10

Ah OP I feel your pain.

Just for some light relief….the only person I told we were planning to ttc was my FIL. Sounds odd, but he was planning MILs big birthday celebration and he was erring towards us all going rally driving / zorbing / etc, you know, not at all pregnancy friendly(!!) and I thought they’d be disappointed and feel bad if I couldn’t join in. - we’re all pretty close. He was happy to plan accordingly which was lucky, as SIL and I were both pregnant by the time the big birthday rolled round! MIL thought she’d won the birthday present lottery, getting told about two new grandchildren 😂

Dita73 · 12/04/2024 01:06

Sorry but she sounds nuts! I’m really close to my mum but if she’d have acted like this I’d have looked into having her sectioned! When/If you have children it’s your decision and nothing to do with her. If she really believes that you should organise your life around her desperation to be a grandparent then she’s not only bonkers but unbelievably selfish. Whatever you do don’t back down to her,in fact I’d be inclined to tell her as little as possible. I can’t help but think that if you do have a child she will be an interfering nightmare. If you start putting some boundaries in place now regarding your relationship with her then it will probably be more tolerable in the end

Bluedabadeeba · 12/04/2024 00:46

Oh dear gawwwd. This is where it all starts. The crazy Grandparent. And the baby isn't even born yet! Well, conceived!!!! I'd think hard about the role you want her to play in any future kids' lives. Put boundaries in place now.

Mayflower282 · 12/04/2024 00:42

Are you expecting her to do a lot of childcare for you? Maybe she’s stressed and uncertain how much help you want and when, maybe her life feels on hold too and she’s in a bit of an unknown, helpless limbo until she knows what your plans are.

Itsaloadofbollocksbut · 12/04/2024 00:26

I told my mother that every time she mentioned or hinted about grandchildren I would add a year to the point I made a decision about having one or not. Did the trick.

CRE2024 · 12/04/2024 00:15

She doesn't sound very well. It's not normal to take to your bed when you find out that your daughter might not be having a baby right now! I'd be tempted to let her know that your hope is to have a child at some point in the future BUT that it is also something that is not completely within your control. And be clear that any pressure, comments, or coming down with the vapours on her part will have absolutely no impact on you and your desire or ability to get pregnant, but will make you want to spend less time with her.

Maray1967 · 12/04/2024 00:03

We had rather intrusive questions about when were we going to get on with it - a year into trying and referral to infertility clinic. The worst offender was FIL who DH shut down very quickly with some vague comment about us having problems and he was not to say anything in front of me. MIL was more subtle but I also left her to DH to deal with.

They were nothing like as bad as your DM sounds, but I did realise that they were expecting GC and seemed to think they had a right to question us.

Frangipanyoul8r · 11/04/2024 23:50

She sounds controlling and manipulative, you can’t reason or rationalise with someone like that. It’ll be a status thing - she wants to be the first grandma.