This can't be normal!!!!!??

Thempolsoltch · 2024-04-11T20:19:42+00:00

I'm an only child and got married 10 months ago. I just turned 30. My husband and I originally planned to ttc straight away, but nothing was happening and around 4 months into the marriage DH said he wanted to wait a little longer for financial reasons. We stopped ttc for 3 months then decided not to waste time and started ttc again. So my mum and I aren't close and we have had a weird relationship since I was a teen. Shortly after we got married, she said she wanted to know 'where she stood' in terms of my plans to have a family. I told her, at the time, that we were planning to ttc. I didn't tell her when we decided to put a pause button on it as it just seemed a bit tmi but may have mentioned some things that hinted at it. I didn't tell her that we had started ttc again either. I've kept everything vague. Anyway to add another level of complications, an amazing job opportunity came up on the other side of the country. My current contract is coming to an end so it seemed sensible to look elsewhere. As ttc was up in the air/nothing happening, I decided to go for the new job. I didn't want life to pass me by while ttc and so decided to just keep going with career and baby plans until something happened and deal with it as and when. I got the job and we are moving next month. My mum has taken that to mean that we've sropped ttc so I can pursue my career and when i told her that 'nothing is happening (ie not getting pregnant)' she snapped at me that 'of course nothing is happening if youre preventing a pregnancy'. I didn't put her straight as it just felt too invasive and i felt shocked at what she said and how annoyed she had seemed. She went to bed in the middle of the afternoon and stayed there all night. She has basically gone really cold and funny ever since, and has been acting like I've done something wrong, being very quiet and stand offish. I didn't want an argument and assumed I was imagining things so didn't say anything. She gets very defensive so I have to choose my words carefully. Anyway, recently my dad told me that my cousin who I hardly know but got married a few months before me, was pregnant with her first. He said I couldn't tell mum as it would upset her too much, as I wasn't pregnant yet. He said she is really down about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but it all adds up. I think my mum is actually angry with me and really upset for what she thinks is me trying not to get pregnant. This surely isn't normal? I just don't want to get into my fertility etc with her and I also think its just none of her business. Does she have a right to know the ins and outs of our family planning decisions? Is it courtesy to let potential grandparents know what your intentions are? I feel like she is overstepping by expecting this but not sure if maybe I am being unfair and I shouldn't keep her in limbo? I feel like I'll tell her when I'm ready but feel really reluctant to open up to her about ^anything^ at the minute. This probably makes no sense but I'm very tired so thank you if you got this far!

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 17/04/2024 09:58

Thempolsoltch · 16/04/2024 19:50

Maybe it's partially because she knows I've always wanted children and she doesn't want me to go through the fertility issues she did. However I just have this weird instinctive urge not to tell her things.

Before we got married, my then fiance (willnjust refer to him as DH!) was staying with us for a few days. Mum had gone to bed and we were up with my dad. Fiance got an email to say that a guy that he worked with had been killed suddenly. He was so shocked. They weren't close but saw eachother every day and dh was upset. We told Dad what happened and DH went up to bed. My parents did not know him or of him. I followed DH up to bed and didn't go into my mum to tell her. I don't know why I didn't, I just didn't. I guess I wanted to go straight up to my husband.

The next morning, mum knocked on the bedroom door. She came in and looked as cold as ice. She looked at me and said 'your dad told me about X dying'. She looked through me as if she wanted an explanation as to why I hadn't told her the previous night. I sort of mumbled what happened to the colleague and she continued to just stare at me and with the coldest, emptiest expression, just shut the door. My DH turned to me and said 'is she annoyed that X died???'. I sighed and said 'she's annoyed I didn't tell her as soon as I knew'.

It's that weird level of entitlement to the details of my life that I'm realising are totally mad.

This is actually quite chilling to read - it's really all about her, isn't it?

What does your DH think of her behaviour? I do think you would benefit from some therapy to help deal with her.
If you do get a chance to move far away with work, do take it (if it's what you want!) & don't be afraid of her.

Katkins17 · 17/04/2024 07:31

Nope, you're an adult...regardless of if she's your mum, regardless of if you've got a brilliant or crap relationship...it's none of her business.

She sounds like an intrusive, confrontational person who's thinks she's entitled to know your private life.

Having children is a personal subject. And she doesn't have to know anything unless you want to divulge it.

Good luck op x

TorroFerney · 17/04/2024 07:21

Thempolsoltch · 16/04/2024 19:50

Maybe it's partially because she knows I've always wanted children and she doesn't want me to go through the fertility issues she did. However I just have this weird instinctive urge not to tell her things.

Before we got married, my then fiance (willnjust refer to him as DH!) was staying with us for a few days. Mum had gone to bed and we were up with my dad. Fiance got an email to say that a guy that he worked with had been killed suddenly. He was so shocked. They weren't close but saw eachother every day and dh was upset. We told Dad what happened and DH went up to bed. My parents did not know him or of him. I followed DH up to bed and didn't go into my mum to tell her. I don't know why I didn't, I just didn't. I guess I wanted to go straight up to my husband.

The next morning, mum knocked on the bedroom door. She came in and looked as cold as ice. She looked at me and said 'your dad told me about X dying'. She looked through me as if she wanted an explanation as to why I hadn't told her the previous night. I sort of mumbled what happened to the colleague and she continued to just stare at me and with the coldest, emptiest expression, just shut the door. My DH turned to me and said 'is she annoyed that X died???'. I sighed and said 'she's annoyed I didn't tell her as soon as I knew'.

It's that weird level of entitlement to the details of my life that I'm realising are totally mad.

thats a classic narcissist behaviour I would suggest.

Original poster

Thempolsoltch · 16/04/2024 19:50

Maybe it's partially because she knows I've always wanted children and she doesn't want me to go through the fertility issues she did. However I just have this weird instinctive urge not to tell her things.

Before we got married, my then fiance (willnjust refer to him as DH!) was staying with us for a few days. Mum had gone to bed and we were up with my dad. Fiance got an email to say that a guy that he worked with had been killed suddenly. He was so shocked. They weren't close but saw eachother every day and dh was upset. We told Dad what happened and DH went up to bed. My parents did not know him or of him. I followed DH up to bed and didn't go into my mum to tell her. I don't know why I didn't, I just didn't. I guess I wanted to go straight up to my husband.

The next morning, mum knocked on the bedroom door. She came in and looked as cold as ice. She looked at me and said 'your dad told me about X dying'. She looked through me as if she wanted an explanation as to why I hadn't told her the previous night. I sort of mumbled what happened to the colleague and she continued to just stare at me and with the coldest, emptiest expression, just shut the door. My DH turned to me and said 'is she annoyed that X died???'. I sighed and said 'she's annoyed I didn't tell her as soon as I knew'.

It's that weird level of entitlement to the details of my life that I'm realising are totally mad.

OP posts:

WYTrio · 16/04/2024 13:12

A couple of further thoughts. This mother is a (late) middle aged woman not a child she shouldn't need her expectations managed.

I came along when my parents were married 3 years, some people have kids straight away, but some settling down after getting married is normal even if the couple want kids. You should be able to confide in your parents, and not hold things back as if they are a five year old unable to understand that the holiday they are going on is not happening tomorrow.

Bassetthoundears · 16/04/2024 10:12

OldPerson · 13/04/2024 19:29

With hindsight you all could have handled this a lot better.

You got your mum all excited by saying you and hubby were trying for a child.

In the meantime you want a child, you don't want a child, you want to explore life, then you want a child again, you're moving house and getting a new job. All of which are stressful events, which inhibit you getting pregnant, but you're going to run through the pinball machine of life and see what it throws at you. (Good for you.)

And secretly you don't really want to become pregnant in the first 6 months of your new job.

And are you moving further away from wannabee excited granny? (Of course she knows cousin announced she's having a baby after 1 month of marriage. If your father knows, she knows.)

With hindsight, you would have told mum that the first 18 months of your marriage was going to be hectic, because there might be career changes and house moves, but children is a goal of yours.

But you didn't. You leapt straight in there and announced you were trying for a child.

And now instead of respecting her, and telling her, you're putting children on hold for a year (whether true or not) you're being evasive and keeping her at arm's length.

Give her a story. Let her go wail to her friends that her beautiful daughter is wasting the first 18 months of her marriage on a career. And get her off your back for 18 months.

But a little bit cruel and stupid to tell her you were trying for a child and now not telling her anything - and defending your right to privacy.

Should have asked for privacy at the outset. You are playing with her emotions, in a non-nice way.

As the mother of two young adult dds I have a very different perspective on this.

If one of them had honoured me with the information that they were trying for a baby, I would wish them well and say nothing more until a pregnancy was announced or they chose to speak to me about infertility or whatever. I certainly would not be making it about me and asking “where do I stand” as if my dds had to get pregnant according to a timetable that suits their mother. It would be intrusive, insensitive, and impertinent to do that.

Nor would I assume that ttc is always easy or is not sometimes interrupted by career changes, relationship issues, stress, illness, and again, those things are none of my business unless I am ASKED for advice. I would certainly support any career changes my dds pursued.

Finally, I would not be putting pressure on my dds to do things to make me happy! I am responsible for my own happiness thanks!

Surely it is evident that any nt adult who deals with relationship disagreements (self inflicted in this instance) by sulking and taking to their bed for the afternoon is immature and manipulative? And however the op “handled it” she would be in the wrong! Op probably only told her mother in the first place because she felt pressured in to doing so!

Bassetthoundears · 16/04/2024 09:47

I’m not usually one to say go LC but honestly op, this is way out of line and a massive red flag. It’s none of my business if, when, and whether or not my dds plan to have babies as long as they are happy. This is none of your mother’s business. You need to correct her every time she claims it is.

I’m sorry but imagine what she will be like if you do
go on to have dc. It will be hell. Move as far away for your career as you possibly can op 💐

WYTrio · 16/04/2024 09:34

I remember when my sister was with her first husband, her brother in law and his wife (I think she was a well paid lawyer) didn't want kids, they felt it was selfish. Which wasn't my perspective but understandable, but my mum was v disconcerting in that they were being selfish because they were denying their mothers grandkids.

So, unfortunately I have to say it is normal, even if it isn't reasonable or acceptable.

SunSparkle · 15/04/2024 09:55

My parents in law were a bit weird like this. They were just bored with life, most of their siblings had grandkids and they just wanted something 'new' in their life. Spoiler alert - the novelty wore off for them. Promises of childcare and early retirement went out of the window. TTC only on your terms, for you and when you're ready. They don't get to have a 'do-over' at being a parent and your child isn't there because they are bored with life and one another and need soemthing to entertain them.

My PIL kept trying to take our infant/toddler on holiday because 'it would give them something to talk about'. What a terrible reason.

Robustrobin · 15/04/2024 09:53

Everyone is different and your mum is no exception, although hard for you to deal with. Sounds like she has her own problems and shortcomings, desperate for grandchildren, perhaps because she would have liked more and wants to control you. I would say try to understand her without taking her comments personally. Sounds like you have to be the adult here! We don’t always get the mum we would like!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/04/2024 09:51

@Thempolsoltch I would absolutely not put your career on hold to TTC.

It took me 15 months to conceive my first, with multiple miscarriages along the way. My friend went to her GP because she was struggling to conceive a year ago and is not even on the first rung of the ladder for IVF on the NHS yet. She's talking about giving up on the NHS and going private. There are women on Mumsnet who tried for years and years to have a baby and never managed it.

If you take a new job and get pregnant straight away, the most likely outcome is that your employer is a bit annoyed and you don't get decent maternity pay because you haven't been there for long enough. Not the end of the world. In an extreme situation you lose your job and for whatever reason aren't able to make a claim for discrimination and unfair dismissal against your employer. I would far rather take the risk of either of those things happening than take my foot off the gas and end up stagnating in my career because I thought I would be having babies soon but didn't.

If you have the opportunity to move abroad, it may be to a country where IVF is cheaper and more accessible than it is in the UK, which is also something to consider.

Your mum is being completely unreasonable. It's probably not even worth telling her that her behaviour will ultimately have a negative impact on her relationship with you and any future grandchildren, because she won't want to listen. It sounds like your dad has also enabled her by not telling her to wind her neck in.

It's really sad - and, frankly, bonkers - that she is complaining that your lovely wedding day was a disappointment to her because it didn't go the way she wanted. It was your wedding, not hers, and as long as you and your husband had the day you wanted, she should just be happy for you. It's probably a sign of things to come. Will she be disappointed about the number of children you have? If you only have boys will she be disappointed that you didn't have a girl, or vice versa? Will she be disappointed about the names you choose, or whether you decide to breast or bottle feed, or where you live?

She needs to stop trying to micromanage your life in this way and take a back seat.

Talking about "where she stands" in relation to you having a baby is just really fucking odd.

Where she stands is that her adult daughter is off living her adult life and can make whatever decisions she pleases. Where she stands is that she needs to find other things to fill her life rather than obsessing about whether or not you are going to produce any grandchildren.

Packetofcrispsplease · 15/04/2024 09:26

She’s bonkers .
I didn’t ask or assume about my daughter and son in law .
We are delighted to have our grandson of course but never asked or pried and certainly didn’t have a strop

EmeraldA129 · 15/04/2024 00:29

Your mum sounds like a horror! For all she knows you could have been trying and had multiple miscarriages or found out there was a fertility issue or anything & she is adding extra stress to make it all about her.

id tell her that you don’t need to put your career on hold to conceive, but that you don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be so invested in your personal decisions.

Ultimately this is about you, your husband & hopefully your future child. Not your mum.

SameAsItEverWas24 · 14/04/2024 21:12

Run! Its not normal at all and if you do have a child, she will have opinions on everything and you'll be miserable and very vulnerable. My MIL was a nightmare and we still haven't recovered. You don't get that time back.

getsomehelp · 14/04/2024 19:49

Sounds like she messed up your childhood, so debatable whether she should be allowed much contact with any future child anyway.

greengreyblue · 14/04/2024 19:49

@Trishthedish you sound great.😊

Goldengamer · 14/04/2024 18:27

I have 3 grown up children , 2 of which have no children and not sure if they even will . Not even a comment has passed my lips about them having some …none of my business . I love them regardless and up to them if they do …. She sounds awful

FarmGirl78 · 14/04/2024 17:20

Why the actual chuff does she need to know "where she stands" with whether or not you're and DH are using contraception? Bizarre phrase. Absolutely none of her business.

Trishthedish · 14/04/2024 16:02

Thempolsoltch · 13/04/2024 21:08

The new company I'm moving to has offices/links all over the world and there is an option to move abroad down the line, depending. Before all this happened, I wouldn't have entertained the thought of moving away but now I'm starting to wonder why am I staying when the world is my oyster? I've been researching some of the destinations and think maybe it's time to spread my wings a bit, who knows. This whole episode has left a sour taste in my mouth and this year I have constantly felt like I keep doing something wrong by just living my life and being me. Every time there is a self pitying comment which paints me as the bad guy, it goes straight into my heart. I feel like a bystander walking along the street and getting attacked while minding my own business. Does that make sense?

Yes that makes perfect sense. I always beli with my two that my job was to raise them to be independent, educated people. I believe I have achieved that. One lives overseas is married and has no intention of having children. My other lives locally and is married and is having a baby. I’m delighted but it’s none of my business. If they need me I’m here, but I have my own life to live, and they have theirs.

spread your wings, live your life and if you’re mum can’t cope with that, then it’s her problem, not yours. Good luck with the new job.

Mags1001 · 14/04/2024 16:00

I'm thinking she might have a few issues, maybe empty nest syndrome & hopes she will get along better with a grandchild, however that could end up turning your child against you? Granny's best buddy, maybe I'm just thinking out loud. She sounds a bit lost, needs something new in her life .
A bit too intrusive.

Blanketpolicy · 14/04/2024 15:56

Standrews · 14/04/2024 15:37

What does TTC mean?

Trying To Conceive

JMSA · 14/04/2024 15:39

Wow, it's all about her, isn't it OP?

Good luck with the move, new job and baby plans

Standrews · 14/04/2024 15:37

What does TTC mean?

shepherdsangeldelight · 14/04/2024 11:40

Eastcoastie · 14/04/2024 07:06

My parents asked me if dh and i intended to have children. I didnt realise that was abnormal? They both said they were excited to become grandparents.

It is a bit ott your mum would be upset at someone else in the family having children but it sounds like she is worried about losing you and not being a part of the babies life if you are far away.

Asking in general terms as part of a wider conversation is normal.

Wanting progress updates and behaving manipulatively when said grandchildren don't appear within the timescale you expect is not normal.

OP is basically being made to feel guilty because she hasn't produced the child that her mother wanted.

GreatFish · 14/04/2024 11:20

You should only have a child when you yourself are ready otherwise this will cause resentment against whoever may be pressurising you.It sounds to me your mother uses the silent treatment as emotional control .This is a very narcissistic trait which you definitely do not want in your life or the life of your child.Do what is right for you and your partner not for someone who needs to control you.