Today's telling off from DH

My maternal grandmother was destroyed by her marriage. I have photos of her as a young woman - beautiful, smiling and carefree. After 50 years with my grandfather, she was a physical and psychological wreck, tanked up to the eyeballs on anti-depressants, tranquillisers and sleeping pills. She had numerous breakdowns and would literally shake with anxiety. I’m sure her awful death was triggered by the stress and medication.

It hurts me to write this, because I felt sorry for my grandfather (he’d had an awful childhood), but he wore her down like the OPs partner is doing. He’d yell at her as well. My poor mother suffered terribly from being caught between them. All her life she tried to shield my grandmother from my grandfather. In retrospect, I sometimes feel angry with my grandmother for not fighting back. She allowed him to get away with it, and that meant my mother had to grow up in the cross fire. To this day she’s a nervous wreck. She also can’t stand up for herself either, mainly because she spent her childhood tiptoeing around my grandfather.

My exh was like this. He once called me losing his mind when I was dealing with an emergency about an hour away, freaking out that he couldn't find a key for the shed - while he was holding the spare key in his hand... I could hear the DC hysterical in the background as he had been screaming at them about losing it. It was awful. Constant criticism about the house, my parenting, my decisions, constantly checking up on me and making passive-aggressive remarks. He was in the military (although even they had enough of him eventually and last I heard he was fired) and I found myself DREADING the weekends he would be coming home, and counting down the seconds until he left again. I was so much happier when he wasn't there.

I left him. He was NEVER going to change. All the posters telling you to sit him down and state your boundaries etc mean well, but the fact is it doesn't matter how many times you try to talk to him, he will never change. He doesn't care. He knows you are worth SO much better than a life with him, and he's bullying you, trying to control you, trying to belittle and demean you. Don't let him. Contact Women's Aid and start making plans to separate.

It's not easy, I totally get that, but it's so worth it. My kids are older now and cannot be arsed with their pathetic excuse of a dad - I haven't ever bad-mouthed him and didn't stop contact so they've figured that out for themselves. They're becoming amazing young adults, I'm so proud of them and credit myself in part for getting them away from him before it was too late and he had too much influence on their lives. And I'm so content - life is peaceful. I love it.

Anyway, that was a long way of trying to emphasise one thing - he will never, EVER change. You don't have to live with him truly feeling he has the RIGHT to tell you off. Fuck that!

What sort of age is this guy? He really does sound like a grumpy old man.

Does he ever try to be affectionate to you, intimate etc?

Does he have a mental health issue, a perfectionist? If he is like this just with you and not anyone else then it's just nasty.

This is clearly not a one off and you do not deserve to live like this . He clearly doesn’t value your work .

I am not going to be like everyone else and suggest LTB as the only option . This is due to personal experience and I hope it helps . Obviously - if there is any form of abuse then discount what I say . I am basing it on the premise of him just making digs and I get the impression that you are in a miserable place right now .

My marriage almost ended . I love my husband , I never stopped . But the marriage became draining with constant digs and little arguments. No matter what I did , it was wrong. Everything was my fault . If he opened a cupboard and something fell it was because I hadn’t stacked them properly . If he had no clothes - although he is a grown man capable of washing - it was MY fault because I was only washing my clothes when I washed ( I wasn’t necessarily, but I would look at what was needed for the next day for eg for me and the children and wash it but I didn’t see why I should check with him if he needed anything when we both work ! ) , pretty much just everything was my fault . We weren’t getting on - looking back now I was also doing the same to him in certain ways and I was nagging him but in the moment I didn’t see it as I was miserable and that’s how it was coming out . We were like strangers , didn’t feel like a team at all . We were barely having sex , he never stopped with compliments about my looks or letting me know he was attracted to me - but I felt undervalued as a person and neglected as a person so I did not feel like sex . Again, on reflection after talking to him sex is a way to regain that closeness for him, a way he thinks he can show love to me … without talking about things but that’s not what it is to me .

Anyway - to move on and get to my point . For us , and I think a lot of relationships, this constant bickering was the result of deeper , underlying issues . If there aren’t any other issues at play and he’s just a dick this is irrelevant… but for us there was . Now this is entirely personal to me , there is nothing to suggest this is YOUR ‘catalyst’ for the situation, but for us it was that my husband is an alcoholic. It’s something that really we had both avoided for a long time ( there was no abuse , children weren’t affected , he wasn’t pouring vodka on his cornflakes so he’s not an alcoholic , right ?! ) that gradually progressed . I knew deep down that drink was an issue but I didn’t think he was an alcoholic , I didn’t think he had this opinion of his drinking and I just thought all he’s going to see is me stopping him relaxing in his way ) so I never said anything . But our relationship deteriorated to the point that although I loved him , I was miserable . Later on after talking I found that he felt all I ever did was moan at him - I did moan a lot for me I was resenting him and unhappy and that’s how I showed it - he also later explained that he would be craving alcohol constantly and that every little thing just got to him .

Anyway , it came to a head. We had an argument after both drinking ( I have no issue with alcohol but it just so happened we had been out together, child free , and clearly we weren’t in a good place and in all honesty it was me who started the argument - I just felt angry and I didn’t say anything about his drinking but just kind of , full of emotion, went off at him about how our relationship was crap , why were we even together , i was miserable , he didn’t make me happy etc ) . Ended in a bad argument and us going to different houses . The next morning I woke up and just felt defeated . I didn’t speak to him but in my head I just thought “ I give up “ . I couldn’t carry on living with someone who found fault in everything. When I went home he was waiting and asked for an honest discussion . That’s when he opened up about his drinking , how he felt in its grip and he was addicted . How he knew it was the root of our unhappiness and that all the nagging and moaning etc came as a result of the grip it had on him .

Fast forward 4 months and I am the happiest I have ever been. He’s completely sober . He’s a different person and as a result of that , I am too . We don’t argue , we feel like a team , we spend quality time together . Everything is better and I feel more in love with him than I ever have .

Im not saying your DH is an alcoholic- but I’m saying is there a deeper issue between you ? Because your post - I could have wrote it - I was utterly miserable , but by addressing things and finding that deeper issue and by being open and honest and that goes for now too - we still have to be open and honest - we were able to save our marriage .

DH and I only interupt each other's work days for emergencies like child pick-up arrangements changing. I don't like the wsy my husband does certain chores but many years ago I accepted if he does them then he'll do them his way and I'm lucky I didn't have to do that chore (he does more than his share). Your husband sounds awful and you should leave him. You sound like a happy successful person and a good parent and he is just bringing you down.

@Wowohwow88

Serious question, why do you put up with it? Are you afraid of him, either physically or 'verbally'? I'm not 'victim blaming' you. I just want you to think about why you don't tell him to fuck off (or words to that effect). If my DH criticizes something I do with no justification I tell him "If you don't like the way I do it, then from now on it's your job" and I don't 'fear' his reaction.

Your DH is doing this to keep you 'down' and make you feel unworthy, especially the part about hating your job. Men do this when they know they are not worthy of us in order to keep us from opening our eyes one morning and saying "Oh, hell no!! and walking out". And they 'hate' our jobs because they give us independence. The constant criticism is to wear you down to the point where you quit just to stop his verbal abuse.

You really, really need to think about what you want for your life. Is this the way you want to live the next 10,20, or even 50 years of your life?

I haven't flippantly said that I'd leave him, as I know how hard that can be, - especially when you have kids - but yes, that is exactly what I did.

Coercive control.

He won’t change. Make a safe plan to leave. This will escalate if he thinks you might leave.

sounds to me like he's attention seeking...

Roll your eyes and tell him to stop bleating

My sister was in this sort of marriage. He ‘trained’ the kids to speak to her like this too. They used to gang up, mock her, criticise her and nothing she ever did was good enough. Like the boiling frog, she didn’t see what was happening but we used to walk out of their house fuming. I did on occasion say ‘don’t speak to her like that’ but it was futile.

She left after 25 years at 50 and bitterly regrets the time she wasted. She’s never really got her self esteem back and the kids still have a tendency to pick her up on trivial mistakes. Don’t be my sister.

You don’t have to live like this, OP

This is not normal behavior and honestly I would divorce him. ASAP! You don't need someone like that in your life, this is domestic abuse!

He sent you a text to say you’d stacked the cups wrong! Oh my good, wtf is wrong with him? He sounds like a miserable, nasty, fussy, petty little twerp. Ugghh. You don’t have to hit or yell at someone to abuse them. You can do it through lots of nasty, passive-aggressive little acts, gnawing away at their confidence and making them feel worthless. He’s obviously unhappy and taking out his misery on you.

In your shoes OP I would be very clear and lay it on the table this isn't acceptable and either stops or you divorce him.

Realistically it sounds like he is controlling and its best to leave him full stop but that might be too much of a daunting step at this point. But this behaviour is not normal and should not be accepted.

@Wowohwow88 what a beautiful reply from @Longlazyday
That really touched me.
Please take it to heart.

The more you say the more it comes out. I posted earlier and my advice still stands.

He is saying you are not a fit parent despite birthing them because you let them play and don’t micromanage them with the order they stack cups. I would actually meet with him and set out my earlier boundaries and then say ‘you ever say I’m not fit to parent my own children who I birthed and love and collect and drop off and meet all their needs including playing and downtime and not being frightened of being moaned at by you (as you have subjected me to for x years) and you can fuck right off - you ever say it again it’s a divorce. I’ve had enough - enough

I am so sorry you are living with this.

him saying you’re not fit to look after the children is horrendous. Hideous. Stop for a minute and think, how would you feel if someone else spoke that way about their spouse?
I’m so sorry. Know you sound amazing to us, and as others have said, maybe write it all down t keep a record.

Keep the good job, ditch the moaner.

I'm so sorry, OP. He's very clearly an abusive bellend. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life waking up in the morning wondering what he's going to be complaining about that day? Bollocks to that.

And truth is partly I nag because he won’t push back,

So you want to cause arguments?

If he walks in when I am on a call he expects me to stop the call to talk to him and gets annoyed when I ignore him as I'm on a call

Wtaf?

I've been married for nearly 30yrs & have never been told off/criticised or corrected for the way I do stuff-obviously because it's not normal!

I have to say that playing with a tap would wind me up as I can't bear to see water wasted!

That aside he's abusive isn't he?

I am a nag myself about petty stuff and having read this thread, I am inspired to cut it out now, must be a real pain for my DP. And truth is partly I nag because he won’t push back, so maybe you need to stand up for yourself.

@Wowohwow88 my dh got a bit critical when he retired, strangely the previous 40 years when he worked I’d been doing everything right!
In his case I told him that he’s not my boss. I never load the dishwasher now because he always rearranges it. Occasionally he’ll ask could I put something straight into the dishwasher and I tell him no, that boat has sailed.

You need to ignore him op. Don’t respond, don’t correct whatever it is just act like he’s an invisible mute.

You are his equal.
Dont ever forget that.