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Original poster

Today's telling off from DH

258 replies

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 21:00

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/04/2024 17:33

C1N1C · 12/04/2024 09:50

We all know 90% of the people here probably complain that their man folds towels wrongly, leaves water marks around the sink, or doesn't load the dishwasher properly... but nope, a man can't have his way of doing things... that's abusive and nasty.

So you think the way he speaks to his wife is acceptable? You think it's ok that he thinks he's the king of his castle? That he interrupts his wife's work?

Is this how you behave?

TeaMistress · 12/04/2024 17:32

Honestly OP, you need to have a really serious think about the man you are married to. He sounds totally unhinged, he texts you about stacking cups wrong, he sulks and interferes when you are trying to work. This isn't normal. He has the audacity and the sheer fucking gall to suggest that you aren't looking after your children well....how dare he. He then buggers off on weekends with his mates and leaves you with sole childcare. He's a controlling abusive piece of shit. Really and truly OP you are better off away from this cruel controlling abusive pig. Either put your foot down with him and put boundaries in place or kick this nasty little oik to the kerb and divorce him

SpiritOfEcstasy · 12/04/2024 17:29

I divorced my exH for this kind of behaviour. It is exhausting trying to deal with that level of ‘you’re not good enough’ every day! Once he left our home I realised I had being doing everything - the only thing that changed was I didn’t have someone continually telling me I was rubbish at doing everything… LTB!

tillylula · 12/04/2024 17:12

Go on your holiday and while there, leave him at the beach and come back with a new hunk you found on the beach 🤣

theholesinmyapologies · 12/04/2024 17:07

Have a think, OP.

I honestly think you'd be better off without him. He is grinding you down; don't let him. Life is too short.

Createausername1970 · 12/04/2024 17:06

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2024 21:33

You not in a good place because you're married to a complete dickhead.

I really am sorry. My advice is to seek a divorce. If you have to stay, I suggest going nuclear sometimes, "I'll stack the fucking cups any way I please. You're not my manager and I'm not staff. Stack them yourself if you care but don't waste your breath telling me. FFS." I could be more grown up and talk about assertiveness skills but he's clearly doing it in full knowledge he's a wanker.

Agree.

You seem to have two choices ahead of you - draw the relationship to an end or stay.

If you stay, then it needs to change and the quickest way to get your point across, if reason has failed, is to go nuclear a few times and make it clear you aren't putting up with this crap in future.

It will either encourage him to change or end the relationship.

EveningSpread · 12/04/2024 16:55

Wowohwow88 · 12/04/2024 07:08

So if I capl hin out for how many times he had moaned about something I have done in a day, his answer is well done something right then

He has made it clear he doesn't like my job. I genuinely love my job, am good at it and well respected, but he can't understand why I enjoy working when he hates his job. He also can't understand that if I leave my work at the end of the day it is still there tomorrow, in his job someone else comes in and does it

He says I am not fit to look after the children because of some of the decisions I make (youngest dc's favourite thing at the moment is to play with the tap, dh can't stand letting him play with the water where as I think its harmless) but dh thinks its perfectly acceptable to go away for weekend with mates for football and leave the dc with me

Sounds like he’s unhappy in work and he’s dealing with it by trying to bring you down.

The issue might be he has low self esteem/a low sense of self worth. People like this who can’t find the wherewithal to improve themselves often try to tear others down to make them feel better.

Justnavigating · 12/04/2024 16:47

I have read all your posts OP and despite what I’ve said in my previous post ( about my experience and that you can work at it ) I have to say that your situation feels very different, it seems very cruel . I have read that he has criticised your job , your parenting alongside the other things . Yes I had a rough time in my marriage but he never criticised my parenting and has never been anything but supportive of my career .

If we had arguments over his constant moans , he would say that he wasn’t always criticising me or that he was tired etc - he never then further criticised me by saying “ do it properly then “ . What an awful thing to say and it’s showing that he has no regret of the way he speaks to you and thinks it’s acceptable because you are not doing something in the way he thinks is “right”.

This sounds very emotionally abusive .

PampasGrass · 12/04/2024 16:29

He is trying to get you fired. No one thinks if you are on a work call you should hang up if he talks. He is trying to destroy your life. Honestly he’s adding up the control and isn’t a nice person

secondspring · 12/04/2024 16:28

Do you really want to live like this?
Your children will copy his behaviour
.

LavenderPup · 12/04/2024 16:23

You have a great job, he’s being controlling and an asshole as he can’t control your work. Is this what you want for your life? You deserve much more.

Sharkysharky · 12/04/2024 16:13

God the curtain not being done properly - Jesus wtf. You poor thing.

I'd be a total nightmare: cups stacked upside down, curtains done the wrong way. All on purpose mind you.

This is your life, so something needs to be done and I don't say that in a hire a hit man sort of way You have to ask yourself what do you want? Surely not this.

SheilaWilde · 12/04/2024 16:13

I'd leave him on holiday. That's not a way to live.

extrasushiplease · 12/04/2024 15:53

Drive him out to the middle of the wilderness and let him go. He can happily criticize what nature is doing wrong for the rest of his days without bringing anyone else down with him.

januaryjan · 12/04/2024 15:52

On reading your post it seems that your husband is not happy with his life and is jealous that you are content in parts of your life (your job being a prime example). So your husband crushes you by repeatedly putting you down which then makes him feel bigger and better about his own perceived failings iykwim.

If I were in your shoes I suppose I would be thinking long and hard if I could spend the rest of my life with this face ache and what it would do to my own spirit in the long run if I decided to stay with him.

PinkyFlamingo · 12/04/2024 15:44

He's abusing you and you're exposing your children to it which will have a huge effect on their emotional health growing up. The longer you stay the worse it will become

Pipsquiggle · 12/04/2024 15:36

He sounds awful OP - exhausting and depressing for you.

Do you think he would go to marriage counselling or acknowledge how his behaviour is affecting you?

I do think you need to know what is your breaking point. He just sounds like a dickhead

BlueMongoose · 12/04/2024 15:35

First Rule of This House:
Anyone who has a beef about the way any job is being done, is free to do either of the following:
1.Take the job over
2.Shut the F up about it

DeeCeeCherry · 12/04/2024 15:32

Ive just read post about OP being sent a photo by her H to show she'd left the top off the milk.

Are you the same OP?

Anyway whether or not you are - its 2024 I'm actually astounded that women are putting up with these tedious, passive aggressive men. What on earth can be attractive about them?

Anyway youve had good advice on thread and I hope you take it. This is a nonsensical way to live.

11oclockrock · 12/04/2024 15:25

This is abuse, OP. You deserve better. Ducks in a row time.

ValancyRedfern · 12/04/2024 15:23

He's not going to change. You can try and sit him down and discuss but I don't believe it will do any good. He is grinding you down with constant criticism and trying to make you feel incompetent. He is undermining your work precisely because he knows you love it. I'm afraid I think it's either leave him or leave him later, and if you leave him later, you will regret the wasted years.

GingerPirate · 12/04/2024 15:09

Hartley99 · 12/04/2024 14:41

My maternal grandmother was destroyed by her marriage. I have photos of her as a young woman - beautiful, smiling and carefree. After 50 years with my grandfather, she was a physical and psychological wreck, tanked up to the eyeballs on anti-depressants, tranquillisers and sleeping pills. She had numerous breakdowns and would literally shake with anxiety. I’m sure her awful death was triggered by the stress and medication.

It hurts me to write this, because I felt sorry for my grandfather (he’d had an awful childhood), but he wore her down like the OPs partner is doing. He’d yell at her as well. My poor mother suffered terribly from being caught between them. All her life she tried to shield my grandmother from my grandfather. In retrospect, I sometimes feel angry with my grandmother for not fighting back. She allowed him to get away with it, and that meant my mother had to grow up in the cross fire. To this day she’s a nervous wreck. She also can’t stand up for herself either, mainly because she spent her childhood tiptoeing around my grandfather.

Show quote history

OMFG, I'm so sorry to read this, sorry and enraged.
What a bastard of a Grandfather, I have to say.
My own father was a pig, probably because of his "experience" in the Army (another country).
I didn't care and moved out as soon as I could and don't regret a step.
Also, apologies for my earlier OCD comment about this pathetic, whining t*at of a "husband".
OP should imagine her life without him and slowly make it reality.
😔

Womanofcustard · 12/04/2024 14:55

Long time lurker here. I’ve never said this before, but LTB.
If he thinks it is acceptable the way he speaks to and texts you, there’s no point in considering counselling.

Hartley99 · 12/04/2024 14:50

constantreader · 12/04/2024 14:35

My exh was like this. He once called me losing his mind when I was dealing with an emergency about an hour away, freaking out that he couldn't find a key for the shed - while he was holding the spare key in his hand... I could hear the DC hysterical in the background as he had been screaming at them about losing it. It was awful. Constant criticism about the house, my parenting, my decisions, constantly checking up on me and making passive-aggressive remarks. He was in the military (although even they had enough of him eventually and last I heard he was fired) and I found myself DREADING the weekends he would be coming home, and counting down the seconds until he left again. I was so much happier when he wasn't there.

I left him. He was NEVER going to change. All the posters telling you to sit him down and state your boundaries etc mean well, but the fact is it doesn't matter how many times you try to talk to him, he will never change. He doesn't care. He knows you are worth SO much better than a life with him, and he's bullying you, trying to control you, trying to belittle and demean you. Don't let him. Contact Women's Aid and start making plans to separate.

It's not easy, I totally get that, but it's so worth it. My kids are older now and cannot be arsed with their pathetic excuse of a dad - I haven't ever bad-mouthed him and didn't stop contact so they've figured that out for themselves. They're becoming amazing young adults, I'm so proud of them and credit myself in part for getting them away from him before it was too late and he had too much influence on their lives. And I'm so content - life is peaceful. I love it.

Anyway, that was a long way of trying to emphasise one thing - he will never, EVER change. You don't have to live with him truly feeling he has the RIGHT to tell you off. Fuck that!

Great post. When it comes to people changing, I think we have to be realistic. Fine, sit down with your partner and ‘state your boundaries’ and so on, but it’s pointless unless the faults are minor. I feel the same about marriage guidance. Marriage guidance should only be for happy couples, not unhappy ones. If you are in a shit relationship, with someone whose company you don’t enjoy, leave. He or she won’t change. You can’t change what you fundamentally are. A nasty, petty, miserable, picky little bully isn’t going to transform into a warm, broad-minded, good-humoured man.

If you really love your partner and they make your happy, then it’s worth talking out your problems or visiting a counsellor. That way you iron out the petty irritations that are ruining something good. You can only polish up a good relationship. You can’t polish up a bad one.

MichaelFlatulence · 12/04/2024 14:48

What I’m left wondering is why he gets to be boss? No discussion, no compromise, it’s his way. Why? Do you not count?

For goodness sake do NOT leave your job. Leave him, but do not leave your job.